10. Dee Snider punks out the PMRC - For all you youngins out there who don't know who the PMRC is, they were a group of bored ass wifes of U.S. senators who formed a group to control and censor extreme metal and rap music. The PMRC, (parents music resource center) are the ones responsible for those annoying litte "parental advisory" stickers you see on all your favorite CD's. Having a huge impact through the mid 80's and early 90's, these bitches had a pretty successful run of violating everyone's first amendment rights by pulling off such brave acts as getting 2 Live Crew's "As Nasty as They Wanna Be" and Body Count's "Cop Killer" pulled from record store shelves. The albums were later re-released with censored artwork and lyrics. The song "Cop Killer" was removed completely. Through a series of blowjobs and giving them permission to fuck hookers, These radical cunts managed to convince their husbands to give them a senate commitie hearing in which they planned to put several rock musicians on the stand and defame them for their music. One such artist pulled up was Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider. The PMRC wasted no time in calling out Dee on his band's lyrical content and imagry. Snider sat there, often times laughing at them, answered all the questions asked with scathing sarcasm and calm irritation. Calling them out on their own hipocracy, Snider often left the entire room speechless with such callouts as "what gives you the right to rewrite the constitution?" The hearings ended in a stalemate of sorts after further salt was rubbed in when folk singer John Denver took the stand and violently picked up where Snider left off. In a final statement of defiance, Snider, amid a slew of press photographers, grabbed the american flag and shoved it in his mouth. METAL!
9. Vince Neil challenges Axl Rose to a fist fight on national television. - Rival rockers Motley Crue and Guns and Roses had always had a bit of a rivalry of sorts. This all came to a head when G'n'R guitarist Izzy Stradlin said and did some rather insulting things to Neil's then stripper girlfriend Sharise Rudell. Being the drunk, bloated knight in shining armor Neil was, He rode in on his noble steed and promptly knocked Stradlin the fuck out in front of the rest of his band. Only after security and police were on scene to escort Neil away, G'n'R frontman Axl Rose began a verbal onslaught saying such witty shit as "try that shit with me cocksucker." Oh but time heals all wounds they say. Not in this case. After months of Rose running his mouth in the press, Neil finally got fed up and on national television, challenged Rose to a fist fight. Neil further suggested that the fight be broadcast on pay per view with all the proceeds going to charity. After weeks of waiting with no reply from Rose, it became apparent real quick that the spineless ginger was pussin' out. The punk out did shut Axl's mouth but the fight that never was caused mass depression with glam rockers everywhere causing a drastic decrease in sales of aqua-net and bandannas. So much for charity. METAL!
8. Metallica's middle finger to the Grammys - In an "accidental" act of defiance after losing the metal nonmination to Jethro Tull (WTF?), Metallica took the stage at the 1988 grammy awards to perform "One". The band who was already salty after the extreme miscarrage of metal justice, was warned prior by the shows producers to watch the language as the show was being broadcast live. The band took the stage and in the five minutes they were up there, vocalist James Hetfeild and then bassist Jason Newsted both quickly but clearly blurted "fuck" into the mics during the performance. The producers up in arms, Hetfeild dismissed the incident as "force of habit" and refused to issue a formal apology. The show was replayed several times with the freudian slips edited out. Jethro Tull indeed. METAL!
7. Mick Thompson knocks the fuck out of Fred Durst. - While touring together at Ozzfest, metal band Slipknot and nu-metal cocksuckers Limp Bizkit seemed to have problems sharing the sandbox. Whom iv'e long since declared as "the biggest poser douchbag in the history of music", LB frontman Fred Durst had made a habit of talking shit about Slipknot in the press during the tour. While doing an interview for MTV backstage at an event, Durst was on a tirade and failed to notice Slipknot guitarist Mick Thompson walking by. OOPS! Mick, (whom is about 6'6 and about 230 of solid muscle) grabbed Durst by the throat and proceeded to throttle the shit out of him slamming him several times off the side of a bus causing massive damage to the little cunt. Suprisingly, the epic asswhippin was never reported all that much and Durst still denies it to this day. Talk shit, get hit, so says the man in the iron mask. METAL!
6. Glenn Danzig eats floor. - OK, unless youv'e been living under a fuckin rock and have never seen youtube, we've all seen the video. Yes, that classic, wonderful video. After a backstage dispute, Danzig FINALLY got his arrogant cocksucker shut in grand fashion when, after being shoved by Danzig, Northside Kings vocalist Dan Marianino layed the elf out with one shot. I would like to explain something to all the little disillusioned "glennites" out there whom have repeatedly dismissed this as a "sucker punch". A sucker punch is when you run up and hit someone when they aren't looking or expecting it. A punk ass move for sure but watch the video again. This clearly was not the case. Sorry. Danzig further went on to humiliate himself by stating in an interview that the only reason he didn't "lay Marianino out" was because of his martial arts "dicipline". HOLY FOUR SLUTS ON A BARSTOOL!! SERIOUSLY? you got your ass beat and that's all you can come up with to defend your gigantic shattered ego? Enough said. metal is not enough. TITANIUM!!!
5. Bruce Dickenson challenges Nikki Sixx to a sword fight. - Yup. you heard that correctly. While on a european tour with Iron Maiden in the mid eighties, vocalist Bruce Dickenson's wife at the time, climbed into Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx's hotel room (via bathroom window) and proceeded to fuck his brains out. After this information came to light a week later, Motley Crue was promptly kicked off the tour and Bruce (highlander) Dickenson openly challenged Sixx to a fucking swordfight to mend his poor honor. Dickenson, never recieved his oppertunity to take Sixx's quickening. Sixx appropriatly laughed the incident off. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! douchbag. METAL!
4. Sharon Osbourne's great dissing. - In keepin with our Iron Maiden theme, This gem took place while Maiden was playing dates on Ozzfest. (can't recall exact year) Apparently, Bruce Dickenson had his noble honor insulted yet again by Sharon's set time and slot arranged for the band. After backstage arguments, Maiden took the stage and proclaimed that they were "Iron fucking Maiden" and they'll play as long as they want. Nope. Halfway through their set, Sharon pulled the power on the band and then stormed the stage yelling "noone wants to see iron maiden.." The band left the tour and packed up and headed home. One of the greatest bands in metal gets pwned by the biggest bitch in music. METAL!
3. Rob Halford comes out of the closet. - It was indeed a dark day for aggro testosterone driven mullets everywhere when Judas Priest vocalist Rob Halford confirmed that he was, infact, gay. While holding the title of king leather daddy throughout his entire career, and with such song titles as "Forced Entry", "Ram it Down", "Turbo Lover" and "Hellbent for Leather", I quickly realized that I was the only non-retard on the planet who figured this out years before he went public. This was worthy of mention because it did my heart good to watch an entire generation of beer swilling, mullet rockin rednecks drop from fright and disgust. Good job Rob. METAL!
2. Ozzy pisses on the Alamo. - While on tour supporting "Bark at the Moon", metal madman Ozzy Osbourne decided to drunkenly see the sights during a stop in Texas. While visiting the Alamo, Ozzy decided to take a nice long piss on the side of the national monument. For fuck sakes, this took BALLS! He may as well have spread an american flag out on the whitehouse lawn and took a huge steamy shit on it. After a night in jail, a slew of apologies and a hefty donation to the Alamo preservation society, Ozzy was free again to ride that crazy train.
1. James Hetfeild turns himself into a roman candle. - While on tour with Guns n Roses in Montreal, Metallica frontman James Hetfeild drunkenly pulled the "dumbfuck move of the century" by walking directly into a 30 ft. tall wall of pryrotechnic flame while onstage. The incident caused massive damage to Hetfeild including third degree burns on his arms and face even melting his rings to his hands. ouch! But most tragically, The flames decimated at least 40% of James's mullet causing widespread panic through the metal community. After extensive rehabilitation and hair extensions, papa Hetfeild was back onstage kickin metal ASS! The incident was blamed on the pyro technician of course but I still cry foul as the pyro was place and timed the EXACT same way as it was every goddamn night of the tour. This fact was admitted and Het claimed we was given "mixed signals" and was "confused" as to where he should be. Right. Jagermeister is a bitch. TITANIUM!
Big Sleazy - 2009
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Awesome. Awesome. AWESOME!
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