The Misfits - Devil's Rain | Hydro & James Only

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to the Misfits without the interruption of the present Jerry Only drops one of the worst albums I’ve heard in a while. I am Hydro and I am here to give the B.O.P.’s loyal legions the skinny on The Misfits™ new record “The Devil’s Rain”. This is a bloody shit storm as well. As Jerry Only states in the opening title track “It’s pouring down”. This is a fucking travesty to the legacy of the Misfits and Glenn Danzig. If you expect any semblance of the Danzig or Graves era Misfits than go check out those two and not Jerry Only’s traveling side show. That statement is a bit of an insult toward hardworking side show entrepreneurs. I think you may have more time watching the bearded woman suck off Aloysius the Alligator boy than you will with this sorry attempt at family friendly punk rock. Those words should never go together…EVER. However, in true fashion I, Hydrolicus, will attempt to keep an open mind and leave the bias behind for this review.

Well now, my venting shall be at length and hopefully in no way premature. First and foremost, I should address the best portion of this record. That would be the artwork. If one would pick this release up via face value there would be a misconception of badassery. However, the cover artwork is where the shock and awe stops. Another thing that annoys me about the way Misfits Records and Jerry Only have been marketing this record is the name dropping. This or that producer and this artist with tons of punk cred worked with the Misfits. Who the fuck gives two shits and a fuck about punk cred these days? I give more credit on DIY work ethic than anything, but maybe my priorities are in the wrong places. Maybe I should care about how long your devilock was or that you once used the same smack needle that Johnny Thunders did. No…No. I think I’ll stick with my first option. I don’t feel like telling who created the cover art, because he won’t get any name dropping from me. The cover is great and that is all one need know.

Now, we proceed to the meat of this new recording. First let me comment on the production and tones of the songs within. Here I’m going to name drop…and my animosity stands. It sounds as if John Cafiero had his anime reject hands all over this audio diarrhea. If I didn’t know it was a Misfits™ album I would think it was a fucking Osaka Popstar album. I was waiting for one mention of I, My, Me! Strawberry Eggs or the theme song from Gigantor to come on at any moment. The guitar tone was abysmal to say the least. What we expect from the Misfits is something that equals a chainsaw and what was received was far less. I might venture to give this more of an annoyed lawnmower status. The mix is fair if not a bit monotonous. That could also (and probably is) be the song writing. The drums are fair as well, but could have used some more kick. I’m sure for the money Misfits™ Records pumped into this recording the engineer could have done a bit more. Keep in mind that I’m listening to this through studio monitors so I am getting a dynamic mix that is slightly different than a common stereo. Which leads me to Jerry Only’s up front and in your face vocals which come off very monotone and uninspired. Like the man is going through the motions. I do like the mix on vocal tracks. Proper amounts of reverb and depth in the music is what I usually say a competent engineer strives for. That is something good so far other than the cover art. I can only hope I find more like this.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Project 1950 was a better album all around. There…I said it. At least with P1950 the songs were at one point good and just being butchered. I get not one ounce of the same mystery, excitement, and fire I would from any other Misfits™ release. Even “Cuts From the Crypt” (The best Graves era album I would argue), the B-side release, gave me a thrill when giving it a spin. Project 1950 evoked an emotion too. I don’t, however, like to talk about a crying rage where I beat Jerry Only action figures into small chucks of child choking plastic and then ritualistically melt them in the name of Danzig. After this album I think Bobby Steele is going to have a bit more credibility. Granted over the past several months many past associates (and band members) of the Misfits™ have been saying how much of an ego maniacal control nut Jerry has become...even Graves. Do I believe this? I don’t have to believe anything. The proof is in that everyone else is putting out well made music. I’m not a particular fan of Graves music, but I think he has talent and releases good music. I think Bobby Steele is crazier than a one legged hobo dressed as daffy duck chasing children at a petting zoo, but I also think he still puts out well made NEW music. I feel that this record is actually just a giant cry for help from Jerry Only. The man is having a late life crisis and this is the result. Let me now dive into “The Devil’s Rain”.

Track 1 - I hope you are ready for this, because I’m not. As the rain drops begin to fall I sense this will be more like a golden shower. Jerry is just teasing with the sounds of a storm. I enjoy rain. This track is not rain. The title track “The Devil’s Rain” is a mid tempo rocker with some potential, but falls short. Only’s vocals are beyond uninspiring. I can tell that I’m going to sound like a broken record all the way through this. Musically, this isn’t terrible. The guitar could use some more balls. The drum work is great and I enjoy the mix; a semi highlight to the inevitable shit storm.

Track 2 “Vivid Red” keeps the same tempo as the title track as well as Only’s limp vocal styling. Something just feels missing with this track. Thematically this would fit well with an Earth A.D. type of set list, but the vibe of the song has about as much violence as a pissed off Care Bear. The whole tune strikes me as something a band would write in the process of learning to play their instruments. This is such a backwards step in these fellow’s careers.

Track 3 The lead single from this record is called “Land of the Dead”. A track that wasn’t all that hot to begin with and totally played out by the time it even reached this record. I’m sure Jerry wrote this for another Romero movie. Actually, 99% of these songs have movie titles. It was as if the man went through his DVD collection in a lazy mans effort for inspiration. Unfortunately I don’t even have to suspect, I know, what the reason for this is. Jerry Only has a trouble past with writing songs for movies. 1 out of every 5 movies accepts those songs. Songs such as “Mar Attacks”, “Scream”, “Bruiser”, and “American Psycho” were all written for the movies of the same name. Here we find around half of the songs with this same stigma. For shame! Any director with integrity will not just put a song into his or her movie just because it has the same fucking name.

Track 4 …a new…bloody…low. A song based on a Disney movie? That’s right “The Black Hole” is the name of this song. That probably means Hollywood is going to remake this little gem. I never thought I’d see the day when the same band that birthed “Demonomania” would be cursed with a song called “The Black Hole”. I wish that black hole would take every copy of this album with it. I think hell froze over (yeah, I’ll get to that song in a minute). John Cafiero has his slimey little nubs all over this track. It would easily fit better on the next Osaka Popstar album. And for the record, that goddamned project better not happen. If I see another Osaka Popstar album while I breathe it will be too soon.

Track 5 “Twilight of the Dead”… More mid-tempo bulldrek… More Romero idle workship… Go visit track 7 Jerry…just…go! NEXT!

Track 6 This album is just getting pathetic. “Curse of the Mummies Hand” is next on the track list. Hey Jerry…try letting Dez sing more. Please?! Lyrically we have a youth monster romp. A poorly written youth monster romp. Did I mention that the tempo hasn’t changed…at all. I will say that whoever mixed the vocals has a smooth hand. A skilled hand. A non-cursed hand. I wonder what a hand job by a cursed mummies hand would be like? Then again, that may be a bit to X-rated for Jerry’s family friendly Misfits. Family friendly punk…for fucks sake. Johnny Thunders has turned into a damned dynamo in his grave over this farce.

Track 7 “Cold In Hell” is what happens when the Misfits™ take over the weather channel. Inspiration from the Doppler Radar is not how to write a song, Jerry. This song is so forgettable I don’t even know what it is/was/will be about. It’s the same tempo. You know what Doyle’s guitar tone was respectable. You could even understand what the beast was playing. Doyle’s tone is a damned chainsaw. Dez’s tone is equal to a hedge trimmer. Dez is a good guitarist, I mean no blatant disrespect. However, his style does not fit in this band. And just like the Rolling Stones, he needs to retire. Jerry Only vocal update, it will be partly cloudy with a strong chance of suck.

Track 8 Next is a song about aliens called “Unexplained”. I’ve heard this song before. It sounds like…like…EVERY OTHER SONG ON THE ALBUM! Minus the decent guitar solo by Dez this song is trash. Little things, such as a whip lash guitar solo, help. Moments like this make me hard pressed to even bat an eye at this band anymore. I must be morbid (more than normal) to even keep paying attention. Hell, the direction of this record is unexplained. That should be the name of the album.

Track 9 No…just…NO! Ok…I’m named after a character from Dark Shadows (true story). I know Jerry wrote this trying to get the song placed in Tim Burton’s atrocity of a remake. For one, this song audio dynamic feels as if it were trying to rip off the German horror punk band “The Other”. Might I add, Jerry Only and camp are doing a very poor job at this emulation. I could write an entire album about this show and never use the damned name as a song title. Get some proper inspiration you yeasty yak boil! Children in the single digit range a more inspired artwork than this album.

Track 10 Here we come to the best song on the whole record. Wait for it…wait for it…”Father”! If this isn’t some sad dig at Glenn Danzig I don’t know what is. You could also call this a silent cry for acceptance. Both songs are even in the key of B. Glenn’s “Mother” is about the PMRC bullshit back in the late 80’s. His giant hit that got him a ton of money. Not his greatest song, true, but not terribly bad either. Jerry Only take the twilight road and sings about a vampire siring a youngling. Catchy enough, but one mediocre song isn’t enough to save this brown stain of disappointment. Track 11 HOLY FUCKING CHRIST THE KONQUORER!!! The Tempo did something different. I may faint. Semi-catchy riffs are throughout this song. Though, again we find a poorly written and obscenely weak vocal line. “Jack the Ripper” is doing less ripping and more floundering. For a Misfits song this track has far too much of a solo at the end. One of the defining points of punk would be the lack/simplicity of the guitar work. Jerry’s quest to become Kiss may just be one step closer. Looking back at the Gorgeous Frankenstein record, I’d rather be listening to that.

Track 12 My Hydrosenses are tingling! Dez takes lead vocals on the track “Monkey’s Claw”. This is a mid-tempo rocker with a mildly pleasing vocal line. This is definitely not an “A” list song, but fair enough. I’d put this in the top five songs on the record. The classic 1950’s feel is a bit more prominent within the “Monkey’s Paw”.

Track 13 The magic of this song, called “Where Do They Go”, is in the chorus. Unfortunately, the whole song would fit better in a musical, such as “Grease”. I don’t really get a horror vibe at all from this. I believe this is a Dez track as well. The tempo follows the previous track as well. I’m by no means amused with this song. Actually, I’m a bit more confused than anything.

Track 14 Son of a bitch! This must be the Dez section of the record. This is the third track in a row with the same mid-tempo lull, entitled “Sleepwalkin”. Dez keeps telling me to wake up…I only wish I could. Maybe I could get out of this nightmare review. The record is dragging worse than zombie with a broken leg caught under a wrecked car. Dez writes some very subtle songs in the horror genre. They strike me more as his every day routine…euphemism?

Track 15 Well, “Ghost of Frankenstein” starts with some interesting violin sample and leads right back in standard issue new school Misfits drivel. Thematically, this song is a bit more on par with what I would expect. The tempo is back to being…oh wait…the tempo hasn’t changed (save one song). I have to say that I’m enjoying the lyrics. If they were sung by a competent front man I might enjoy this song more.

Track 16 Finally! The last track on this album is here. I have been in bands that were shorter lived than this album took to get through. The track is called “Death Ray” and if you made it this far without skipping through any tracks the effect will be the same as immolation. Other than the nice punk drum beat and repetitive guitar work this is a very forgettable track. Though, the song is one of the best on the record…which speaks volumes about the total work. This being the last song on the album, we have a feeble closer. If you look at American Psycho and Famous Monsters, both albums had strong closing songs. However, with the Devil’s Rain finds a closer that trails off into monotonous ray gun sounds. The end of this record shows the lack of artistic direction this band mustered.

Jerry Only pay attention! I’m speaking to you as a representative of the Fiends. If you were hoping to gain credibility by putting an album out showing you didn’t need Glenn, Graves, Chud, or Doyle, you have failed. It is painfully obvious who the proper talent was and still is. This record should have been released within 6 months to a year of Graves leaving the band. Your window was missed. The honed talent needed to properly craft a Misfits record isn’t there. Not to mention, eleven years later we finally get new music. During the past decade you have toured a sub-par circus which is ghost of its former self around the world in the guise and name of the Fiend Club; this being a terrible weight to place on the backs of true and proper Fiends. Needless to say, with the absurd wait for new music, lack luster live shows, and subsequent new record the proverbial back of the Legacy has been broken. Jerry…let the Legacy go. I can tell that you will not. I’m sure you and Dez will put out a new record a bit more quickly this time. The true Fiends of the world will hide their Misfits paraphernalia because of the shame of these fresh records. You see, Jerry! You are making Fiends embarrassed to listen to your music (obviously not the old material).

My thoughts on the “Devil’s Rain” are grim. The album suffers from a lack of creativity. No one in this band is maladjusted enough to write a decent punk rock album. The members of this band are lacking hellfire in their bellies. This is nothing but a marketing tool to Jerry. He is and always will be a business man first and a musician second. Stand out tracks are “Father”, “Ghost of Frankenstein”, “Monkey’s Claw”, and “Death Ray” (a weak ending). Don’t buy this album unless you have a coupon or two. For example…go buy the new Danzig Cover’s album when it drops. The first single has more of a Misfits feel than anything Jerry has EVER done. So take my advice and go buy a better album by a band that still has a passionate artistic fire. Don’t encourage Jerry Only’s mid life crisis.

Listen to 3 live songs off this atrocity.

Age of Distrust - Whispers of War EP

It was sideways on their facebook

Oh, hell!?!? More Ohio metal… If my loyal readers have noticed, I am not exactly a large metal head. A good band I can listen to as long as the melody is right, but after my lengthy touring as a metal road tech you can have it. The genre’s of steel that have been shoved down my throat reach from hair to bald and everywhere in between. In this case, I have heard what Ohio has to offer and 9 times out of 10 I would rather partake in a self induced brain biopsy. Actually, if I have one more metal head sing a Man-O-War song in my face I think I may commit a very heinous act of violence.

So why, you may ask, would I be reviewing this morsel of Midwest metal? I’m friends with the band…that tends to get one shoe horned into a tight corner at times. Judgment dictates that my taste in music is going to really hate this EP. I get apprehensive about anything but 80’s thrash when metal is the subject. I also fancy the aesthetic atmosphere that black metal offers; that would be the end of my liking of Viking North extreme metal scene. So why keep meandering around the subject at hand…

Age of Distrust, native to Chillicothe, Oh, deliver a six song EP of fair devastation. I dare say the best album this town has seen since Lunarium or maybe Woe of Tyrants (if you like a cookie cutter Metalblade outfit). What does this mean to you? If you haven’t heard of Lunarium or Woe of Tyrants it won’t matter. The Whispers of War EP has a feel that is of its own (at least in this decade) and certainly in this area is unique. But what does it sound like? Don’t ask me to compare this to other bands. I could give two fucks about 90% of metal out there and do not know many bands. I know what I like and stick to that. What I do know is good music what it crosses my pallet.

The front line of A.o.D. is a ferocious animal consisting of Kurt Miller (lead guitar), Jacob Davis (rhythm guitar), and Matt Harper (bass and lead vokills). I shall start by addressing the guitar line. Kurt is a pure death metal guitarist and he brings the grit and speed to this veritable thrash outfit. Jacob Davis is a solid motherfucking rhythm guitarist. These two weave some extremely catchy guitar lines. There are elements of all types of traditional, thrash, and power metal to be found here. If you ask me that is part of the problem. Nothing is worse than a douche-bag in leather pants with a mullet following talking about how much he love bud light and bitches. These guys aren’t in that vein, but metal is metal. If they get to “metal” at least they have me to try and de-mullet their habits. Matt Harper, in all of his game loosing ways, supplies the low end to this record and the voice. Whoever mixed the bass on this EP is wank residue. I can generally only make out a solid bass line now and again. A low end is prevalent. If a person just wants a lick of the salt block than you will enjoy this. The engineer needs his nuts smashed with a meta tenderizer until he learns how to mix properly. Harper is a damned find bassist and his lines deserve to be felt more than this. Vokills are my major problem with this record. We find Harper to be stuck somewhere between Anthrax and DRI; just enough grit to hammer things home, but not enough range to be truly magical. I think with the full length in the barrel we can see Harper really starting to come into his own behind the mic. It just needs an edge more grit and he will be just perfect. Plus there are some pitch problems now and again…hence…more grit. And yet again, the man mixing this album doesn’t do Matt justice. Seriously, should I take my bag of medieval torture tactics over to his studio until this mix is correct? Maybe a few turns of the thumb screw will teach this person to be more mindful.

I’m sure everyone is asking: Hydro, what do you think about the percussion? If you must know, I took shelter from the fucking nuclear assault that came from my stereo. John Dayton is a fucking artillery machine behind the kit. He writes intelligently passionate drum lines that have some natural fire. I can appreciate some blast beats and this supplies just that. Oh and did I mention Kurt’s death growls are pretty evil. I’m sure some aging metal head in Florida just felt a disturbance in the force.

Out of the six songs of (what I’m going to call) power thrash the last three are the highlights. Frozen Infinity and Execution are brutal masterpieces with great writing. Trinity is a minute and half outro that salivates the ears for the chambered full length. The opening track, Retribution, has become the lead single from the EP and is genuinely radio accessible, but in no means a sellout track. Chains of Oppression, their oldest track in the current catalogue is found to be the weakest song on the EP. Yes, they have eliminated many older tunes after they obtained the guitar slinging expertise of Kurt. Personally, this one is a little much in the Metallica worship department. The track Age of Distrust is the hump song. Didn’t I mention something about stereotypes and Man-O-War earlier? Musically it’s a great track. Lyrically I don’t think there is enough demon slaying and sword slaughter. *rimshot*

I give this a solid 7 out of 10. The EP is above average and swinging out the gate. It is by no means original. Could they really bring the fire on a full length? Yes. What they do have is a VERY solid EP with great musicianship and a so-so mix. I hope they don’t get caught up in bad metal cliché and stereotypical lyrical content. However, those two things just come with metal territory. If a person would want to check this band out they will be opening up for the mighty Death Angel at the Alrosa in Columbus, Oh November 16th 2011. This is only one music snob’s opinion. Venture out, support local music, and make your own decision. I will be looking forward to their full length to see what the band can really bring to the table. If they fuck it up…I’ll be waiting in the shadows to rip it to pieces.

What do you know! I didn’t want to commit seppuku after listening to this. Though, my metal quota for the month is maxed after this review.

69 Eyes - Paris Kills

Well, it’s Hydro back with some venomous album hazarding. October, month of bats and pumpkins, is now in hindsight. Monthly events had me bustling to the sound of the macabre beat. But never fear! I have returned to give you a grave review from a band that suffers from broken English and bad clichés. No, they don’t hail from Japan. This is a band from Scandinavia, Sweden to be exact. The majority of monster outfits from the snowy north that make it over the pond are in general pretty good. I can name a plethora of bands from the area that great. I would even wager to say that most of those bands are top notice in their genre. However, like every genre there are those…unfortunate...souls that come off with every bad cliché from the genre that can be scared up. I’m sure some people have guessed what death rocker’s are on my mind. I’m talking about the 69 Eyes.

For years I have had a love or hate relationship with this band. Their imagery was never quite dark enough, but had hints of a sophisticated gothic sleeze embedded in some areas. However, when they go wrong it is in catastrophic proportions. There is something in me that really wants to like this band, but logically there is just so much that belongs in Hot Topic that I just can’t. Oh, the things that is wrong with this band…let me count the ways.

Hmmm…actually, I think I will count the ways.

1) These guys suffer from gothic bug. There is nothing wrong with being of the gothic persuasion, but just dressing a way to fit into a niche market is just annoying. Plus, these guys have a nice dose of 80’s glam metal in them. That is never all right with me. Some fucking people may like the glitz and glam but I would rather not have Nikki Sixx and the New York Dolls invading my death rock. Thankfully, on the record “Paris Kills”, which I am looking at here, the band goes for a much more toned down look. To me this is much better than the blatant drive into horror rock that the band later attempts. However, they fail so hard.

2) ENGLISH, MOTHER-FUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?! The one thing the Europeans and Scandinavians seem to be far better than Americans at skills wise is their grasp on languages other than their native tongue. I’ve heard better poetry coming from a bulimic glass eater on a purging spree. Jyrki 69, lead singer and lyricist, needs writes worse broken poetry in English than most Japanese bands. His sentence structure is fine most of the time, but the context of what he is writing doesn’t make sense half the time. For years I have tried to like “Paris Kills”. The album’s theme has so much potential, but the lyrics are full of so much fail. My person bitch fest comes in the French and English mish mash called “Dance D’Amour”. The harmonies are great, but the chorus drives me goddamned bananas. “Dance with me to the night” (As if the night is some kind of music box) “To the serious moonlight” (WHAT THE FUCK IS THE SERIOUS MOONLIGHT!?!??! As opposed to what… the not so serious moonlight. Go die in a fire for writing that piece of shit chorus) “Brighter than the stars above you shine” (I wonder where he is going with this. Does the “serious moonlight” have some kind of glowing aura…oh wait. Okayyyyyy….so that line isn’t too bad) “And the loving feels alright.” What kind of loving is he talking about? First they are dancing to the “Colon Powell” of extra-planetary illumination and next thing you know the “lovins” are feeling alright. If it is just alright then this guy needs to work on his moves. The French bits of this song are so ragingly clichéd it is painful to listen to. I think Jyrki just started watching English Dubbed French romance movies and copying lines to make them fit into the song. The whole album suffers from various degrees of this problem. Lyrically the album is like a bad gothic harlequin romance novel. The only tune that stands up to any scrutiny would be the Doors cover of “You’re Lost Little Girl”. That being said the doors suffer their own issues now and again (I love the Doors!).

3) We are off to a great start by not having Jyrki spouting horrid amounts of broken French at the audience with the tune “Betty Blue”. This is a mid paced rocker that melds into the first two tracks. Forgettable at best. Bad lyrics again, but at least they make sense. This band has a wonderful knack for vocal harmonies. Back vox in the chorus of “Betty Blue” portray this nicely. Not a bad song, but, as I said, forgettable.

4) I need to work on video reviews, because you could see me face palming myself into unconsciousness with these lyrics. I’ll get to those in a moment. Musically this track, “Grey”, strikes me as a throw away track. This has to be some of the lowliest stereotypical gothic schlock on the album. That is until we get to the a-typical Christian mythology track. Now for the lyrics. I’m thinking that Jyrki just chose a word that sounded like it could make a good “dark” theme and rolled with punches when rhyming with it. “As the night draws its shadows in on you; And the darkness turns you blue; Don’t let the moonlight burn you.” Listen up kiddies. This is how NOT to write lyrics. PERIOD!!! I think I was writing better bad goth poetry when I was in high school. Every line ends with the words blue, you, away, or grey. I’m surprised I even know what the music sounds like after hearing these atrocious attempts at poetry.

5) OHHHHHHHHHH!!! I found the lamenting vampire opus. Yet again, musically this song is interesting with a firm use of keyboards. The track has a very mellow vibe that could send one into a different world. That is if not for ghastly attempts at lyrics. The track is entitled “Radical”. Essentially, the song is from the perspective of a vampire who wants to not be forever young anymore. He’s a “radical”. Oh the hook is so fucking broken on an English level. I think he got Poe mixed up with San Fernando Valley girls. I can very much see the grey area to get lost in (/sarcasm). “I don’t want to feel like forever young anymore; Just catch my fall before, I crawl on the floor.” The interjection of a like into the first line is extremely classy. Things such as this really make me want to listen to this album more often…for a good laugh.

6) “Don’t Turn Your Back On Fear” is up next. I must say the addition of a female choir and some string orchestration is excellent. One of the stand-out tracks musically, if anything for diversity. Yet again, ignore the short bus lyrics and you’ll be fine.

7) Found it!!! “Stigmata” fills the roll of Christian inspired goth schlock track. This is an all around forgettable piece of shit. The music is uninteresting and the lyrics are confusing and make no sense. Somewhere along the line I get the vibe that Jyrki tried in his best broken English skill to give this song a love vibe. Boy did that not work. The chorus says it all. “Stigmata, Blood and Gasoline; A thought of you and the fire between.” I should really stop trying to figure out what this mental midget is trying to say through these ball-shit lyrics.

8) For a bad goth love song “Forever More” isn’t to bad. You’d think by this point, eight songs in, I’d be completely sick of this shit. Well this is one of the first good ones I’ve heard. The music is catchy (they haven’t had a problem with that) and the lyrics stick to a theme that make sense and stay short so not to be mucked around grammatically. The essence pouring from this album is faithful to the atmosphere the band is shooting for. I applaud this single track.

9) “Still Water Runs Deep” is musically a great goth rock anthem. However, yet again Jyrki fails on many levels of lyrical writing. He just wishes to have the skill of Andrew Eldrich (Sisters of Mercy). Though, this would be a fantastic way to round out the album, but we could only be so lucky.

10) A mellow tune that is very synth heavy called “Dawn’s Highway” rounds out the originals of this album. The lyrics stumble into one another attempting to weave a story. It’s like attempting to watch a blind man break dance. I sound like a fucking broken record by this point.

Finally, the album tapers off with a cover of the Door’s “You Lost Little Girl” That set’s a very somber mood. This is a not-so-perfect marriage of 60’s psychedelia and early 90’s ambient gothic rock. A problem arises when the song tries to gain forward momentum. There is a sense of perpetual intro to this cover. Not worth being on the album. Way to fuck up a doors song, douche bag. Finally, the album has two remixes (Crashing High and Stigmata). This is to my utter displeasure. I dislike millions of remixes. This is my major problem with most of the EBM, IDM, and electronic music genres in general. What’s even worse is that these two songs sound nearly the same as the album cuts. Ok…well actually the Stigmata cut is different, and sounds better than the original. Even still the better sounding track should have been the only one to make the album. I look at remixes at space fillers. If you think the album needs more running time GO WRITE ANOTHER SONG!!!

My final comments…If you want something dark and full of gutsy rock go and get a Sisters of Mercy, Seraphim Shock, or Killing Joke album. At least with those you know you are getting quality music with well written music. I’m sure in the future I’ll have to take a look at a few more 69 Eyes albums. I hear they venture further into horrorpunk. That should be interesting to see how they try and rip off most of that scene. However, I digress. This album is for anyone who likes a good bit of gothic rock and can overlook horribly written lyrics.

Let your ears bleed from the worst gothic lyrics...EVER.

~~ Hydro

Death Dealer - Demo

Upon my infiltration of the Warriors of Metal Open Air festival I tasked myself to get as many albums to review as possible. During a moment when I was working the side stage and putting up with a raging douche-bag Pantera fanatic who thought he was a shred master, he was nothing of the sort, I met a kid named Brandon. This is one of those rare oldschool styled fans. He looked like a cross between Joey Ramone and any nameless fan of early 80’s thrash. I must commend him on his fashion sense. I met him at the shred competition, and needless to say I was curious if he was part of some musical outfit. It should be evident that I am no huge metal fan. However, I LOVE gen. 1 thrash metal (and even some of this new wave…Toxic Holocaust, Skeletonwitch, Municipal Waste, etc). I figured with Brandon’s eclectic taste in metal and raging teen hormones that he would play some noxious speed metal that is black as pitch. Well, the music is only as good as your fellow musicians. If one musician composes great music, but the drummer can’t keep time the band could have a problem. This can go for any member or even multiples. I’m sure this is just preaching to the choir, but you get my drift.

So I acquired the Death Dealer demo with all the force my BOP wielding powers could muster. I figured it was going to be pure shit, but I love getting underground music to test drive. Some reviewers get really jaded to new music. My jaded heart falls more toward the bands that keep on moving, yet loose their relevance. We all know which bands these are and no names need to be mentioned. Death Dealer delivers demo artwork that is completely awesome. Demo packaging like this should be a standard for up and coming artists. The vibe I get is purely DIY and some real care was polished into this. Take note you myspacefacebooktwitter heads. There are better ways to promote other than the internet. As far as I know the Demo image was also made into a T-shirt of some kind or maybe Brandon just mentioned the idea to me. Either way that is a T-shirt I would wear.

Youthful harboring of nocturnal delight and Necronomicon filled lullabies make me feel all warm and tingly inside. Just like if Cathulu were writhing up through my very bowels. Death Dealer delivers five songs that clock in just less than fifteen minutes. By the three minute mark I wanted to turn it the fuck off. Honestly, this doesn’t surprise me, but I’m giving this an honest listen and opinion.

This demo starts off with a song called “Return from the Crypt”. The guitar work is pretty mean. The drummer (who at this time has moved to vocals…good move) needs to start a wicked cocaine habit, because he is SLOW!!! I don’t believe the band had a bassist at the time of recording so no low end can be found…and trust when I say that the music needs it. This vocalist doesn’t have the chops for this style of metal. So far I’m getting a garage punk vibe. Like really old D.R.I. with a bad drummer. That isn’t a bad thing. Brandon needs to get a solid line up together so they can grow as musicians. Next up is a tune called “Evil Desire”. Not an all together bad riff. The vocals are still a bit annoying with no punch at all. This song needs bass like Stephen Hawking needs to get laid. This tune isn’t too bad. The drummer can even keep up. OH! One other thing is that these kids must have no knowledge about recording. Live recordings are great and all, but when soloing it is always good to dub in a rhythm guitar backing track. “Thrills in the Night” is the third song. Taking a chainsaw to the singer’s anus would produce a better effect than his attempts at “evil”. NEXT…”Hidden Terror” be the name of this demo crapster piece. The only thing on my mind is that this needs bass. Attention Death Dealer…you know you can over dub and mix in a bass track. Seriously, this yearns for a rhythm guitar track and a bass track like Robert Downy Jr. staring at a bottle of aged scotch. Strong riffage on this song though. Finally, we have the worst of the five songs. “The Great Awakening” is like a giant misnomer. The drummer, either ran out of creative steam on drum beats, or never gained consciousness with the rest of the band. I will say it again; the best thing the drummer did was move to vocals.

So that is that. The band has potential, but needs a steady line up to grow. That can be hard when living in the asshole of Kentucky. I would imagine that finding metal heads that are into Venom and Kreator in the loins of redneck breeding grounds can be hard. I’m giving this demo a 4 out of 10 severed heads. That may sound bad, but it is a fucking demo and these kids have heart. It may be black and hard like one of Dolemite’s pimp slaps, but it is still heart. I dig this just for the effort. If I gave that a rating it would be at least a six. This is a young seed that will hopefully grow into something face melting. Dig that shit like your Saturday night dates grave.

Hidden Terror by Death Dealer

The Graveyard Boulevard - Toe Tags and Body Bags

Let’s drag something from the late 90’s Mansonite camp, shall we. Who here knows about Wednesday 13 and the Murderdolls? Who remembers Wednesday 13’s first band called the Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13? If you do and you liked them then you need to be eviscerated by a plastic spork. The Frankenstein Drag Queens were the sort of band that appealed to a person who went for shock value. They would dawn a prom dress (be they male or female) and some torn up fishnets/stripped socks and splatter back make up and blood all over themselves (including the band). The appeal was surely not the damned music. The Drag Queens were known for horrid musician ship and songs that made Static X look like Bach. Some of these songs made it on to the Murderdoll’s first album. There is a second album in the chamber, but that is a review for another day. As Wednesday split the Frankenstein Drag Queens to pursue other endeavors, his former band mate Abby Normal rounded up some fellow locals to form “The Graveyard Boulevard”. The first album came out on the infamous horror punk label Antidote Records. I could probably write a whole review just on the short stint of that label and the sloppy book work and douchebaggery that Sin, owner, slathered the then infant horror punk world (back when the genre didn’t really have a name…yes I was around working with bands at the time). Yet again I digress… So the album is called “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. My copy of this album was given to me by Abby Normal. Funny story, the only record I ever actually paid for from Antidote Records was the one an old band of mine was on. I’m rather happy that I didn’t pay for this album. I learned quickly that the amount of fake blood slathered horror crap was already creeping into everyone’s hands. It comes to two things when listening to music inspired by horror: 1) Do you want something different and trying to actually bring some original art? And 2) Do you want something that fits the “mold” of horror punk? Back at this time there was no real mold just yet. Some of the bands that played this style, like The Graveyard Boulevard, had no woahing and no 50’s vibe. Honestly, they might have really mucked that up if they tried to put some harmony to this music. I’m really happy I never paid for this piece of professionally pressed shit.

There is a bit of a silver lining to this record. Unlike much of the current horror punk scene these days there was no mold at the time of this record. Many bands did try to copy the styles of the Misfits, the Cramps, or GWAR, however, the Graveyard Boulevard is not one of them. They were somewhat unique in their sound. I can sense a vibe of the Frankenstein Drag Queens all through this, and that just reminds me of what utter bullshit Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids spawned back in the mid to late 90’s. The Drag Queens, in my opinion, were part of that “I’m so shocking this must be cutting edge” type of theme that many bands seemed to jump on around the late 90’s. I suppose this style has its place in the world, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I think I dislike many of the fans more than I do the music. None the less, the music doesn’t strike me, but I do like some good horror schlock. This Graveyard Boulevard album has some high points, but ultimately lacks in the (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) strong song writing department that Wednesday brought to the Drag Queens.

Another aspect that annoys me is the engineering of the record. The levels are pretty good; in the respect of being able to hear all of the instruments. The bass is buried in a low frequency overdriven growl. I would venture to say that whoever mixed this didn’t know what they were doing. I get the sense that there is a low end, but can’t pick it out when the guitar is playing. The guitar tones are pure shit. Not sure what the band actually wanted here, but they just make me think of Marshal half stack turned up with no thought or effort put into tone. On second though, maybe I just hang out with to many guitarists. This is supposed to be punk rock and I’m nit picking. The drums are another thing all together. They could have been bigger. Judging by the sound it seems all the drums were properly mic’ed. Which really makes me think that whoever mixed this only had half a grasp on what they were doing or didn’t care. I will give it that the mix isn’t as bad as The Misfits album “Earth A.D.” or the Black Flag LP “Damaged” (Iconic albums both recorded and mixed by a fucking idiot), but still pretty bad.

So now to delve into the murk that is pure audio sewage.

If you like the Frankenstein Drag Queens/Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids style of vibe than whatever I’m about to say won’t mean two shit or a fuck too you. The intro track has a very harshly forced wannabe spook factor, but comes short when Abby Normal opens his face hole and sound comes out. I do not like the way he sings. I enjoy some harsh vocals and have heard worse, but his style is not my cup of blood. The intro works into the first song, by name “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. This fails to be interesting and the guitar tends to sit in the chair next to you.

Venturing into the mediocrity of rock n’ roll is the second track, “Popcorn”. I will assume the theme was inspired by the movie of the same name. The guitar work in this is solid, but boring. That will be a growing theme with this record. We almost have some catchy lyrics here, but they just fall short.

I’m starting to see a theme of every song being in the same key. This can happen with many rock bands, so that is just fairly nit-picky. However, when the rhythm of each song begins to blend into a giant homogeneous mixture, then you have a problem. The main riff is a bit catchy, but since there is little else to the song a mechanical boredom forms quickly.

I’m four tracks in and not sure I want to put you all through this…I will push forward, begrudgingly. “Really Rotten” is next and sounds like some mid 90’s grunge meets Danzig reject with Normal’s bad vocals. I would venture to say that Abby was trying to ride the coat tails of his former band mate, Wednesday 13. He failed miserably.

Oh good. Just what I needed, a song about a guy pissing on some ones mother’s grave. As far as songs go this is pretty catchy and one of the better songs so far. I’d like to order some more songs like this (and a new vocalist).

Here comes the attempt at a lamenting song; something a bit more on the mellow side. A creepy beginning slathered with echo and chorus turns the harshness down a notch. Abby dispensing with his singing for spoken word until a minute in is a nice change. However, the softer vibe is ruined when the vocals try to do something they were not built to do. I have to say that the lyrics depict a haunting story of love and loss. If Abby could sing less like he is gargling glass I would say the song would be great.

“Choke Yourself”…I think it sounds like a better idea than finishing this album. Horribly cheesy lyrics dawn this decent punk song. Not much more can be said. I get sick of this want to be shock rock bullshit. This is the same reason I’m not a big mentors or GG Allen fan. I would also like to point out that this is an old Frankenstein Drag Queens song. I wouldn’t surprise me if this album was littered with roll over songs. My familiarity with the Frankenstein Drag Queens is, i'm sorry to say, limited.

Oh, I was wondering when we’d get to the crypt keeper talk. He is a tune called “Lady Killer”. I think I know the problem with songs like this from TGB. They sound like rejected songs from Motley Crue. Fuck hair metal and fuck you if you like it. I say that knowing I have a bunch of friends who like that bullshit. I’ve said it to them and I will keep saying it. I’ll skip on this leather clad come on.

Attention: Abby Normal! The Dickies did this same type of song and it was/is WAY FUCKING EPIC!!! Yours is just a sad replica that has a limp dick. Yes this song is called “Circus Horrificus”. It is a some what solid song if not horribly unoriginal. This has far too much cock rock in it to be something I could get into. It wouldn’t surprise me if Gene Simmons felt a disturbance in the force when this song was written.

Now a song for the children…or about the children I should say. “Feed the Children” is a bit miss leading. This is about eating children as opposed to actually nourishing them. Ohhh, how shocking is it to talk about eating children. The music is boring and the lyrics are silly. Everyone knows that babies are the best to cook up and are very versatile in the kitchen.

Way to fuck up a good story douche hole. “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” has more mechanical style music. That is not the down fall of the song. The vocals…all of the vocals make this song unlistenable. Thankfully the song is short. I’ve heard men grunt at high volumes. I have friends who watch football, but seriously preteen voice cracking and Abby’s broken glass flavored croon make for some gawd awful recordings.

“Terror TV” does something different. The recording utilizes a xylophone to enhance the “melody”. I would wager that this was actually a keyboard, but at least it is something different. Yet again this track fails to deliver. Honestly, it seems the most annoying songs got thrown at the end of the album.

But wait…there is more! A bonus track fills the 13th slot. How…fitting. “Night to Dismember” is the name of the track and when I think of crypt keeper talk in songs it better come like this. It isn’t a bad song, but it isn’t a good one either. This one at least has some dynamics to it. Abby’s vocal scrawl fits the nut kicking cookie cutter punk rock. There is even a solo which is more than I could have asked for.

That is about it except for a hidden track and it is another shock rock failure. My disappointment was high when I got this album. Abby Normal gave me the damned thing, and I wanted to like it when I got it, but intelligence and taste have dictated that this album stinks like shit. A few stand out tracks such as “That’s My Mom”, “Dear Dead Delilah”, and “Choke Yourself” are about the only reasons to pull this album out and they aren’t worth the recording costs. Save your sanity, save your money, and save your CD rack space for something better.

Audio Diarrhea: Dr. Chud's X-Ward - By She Who Can Not Be Named

Back in 2004, someone thought it would be a good idea for Dr.Chud, of Misfits fame, to become a lead singer. If there is one person responsible for this action they should be cut to pieces with a dull butter knife. Seriously, why do EX-Misfits think it's their horror punk rights to form new bands? Not only that, but to SING! Anyone can start a new band, that's cool. If you were the drummer or the guitarist there is solid ground why you weren't the fucking singer!!!

Let's get this fuck fest on! Let me say first that I did get a copy of this CD when it came out, I do like to give things a chance. After one listen it got tossed into that pile. You know the pile, the “let's pawn this off on some unknowing victim” pile. So, I had to get the CD again to complete this review, which was probably the most painful thing I have done in a while or possibly that was the headache this shit gave me. Before you judge me and say I never gave them a chance - I beg to differ fine reader, I have even seen them live. So hah! In your face!

OK, tracks ready to go. Hit play. Hmmm…

Track 1 - Powerless - After 45 seconds, I am feeling quite powerless, I must agree. Powerless, to come up with words to describe the onslaught of shit I am hearing; muddy guitars, poorly mixed drums, and horrible unspeakable vocals. No form of Pro-Tools or likewise could make this song audible to my hearing holes. What the fuck is this song even about? Powerless to what? The lyrics are complete shit, choruses are good but over repetition is bad. "I'll take your life, I'll take your life away...." Please would you? Jumpin' Jesus on a fucking pogo stick!!!

Track 2 - Mommy Made Luv 2 an Alien - Well if the title doesn't hint at what I'm going to say then you are more stupid than I gave you credit for dear reader. I will say that the music is catchy in this one. Catchy as in heard this rhythm 8 million times before. As far as vocals, shit!! The lyrics and content of this song make me feel dumb even listening to it. Horror punk has always been campy, given. Horror punk has had content about aliens, given. This is just some of the stupidest shit I have heard. Cookie cutter is one thing, appealing to 13 year old girls who have yet to menstruate seems to be the going theme for this song. Oh, my poor fucking ears.

Track 3 - Heavy Metal - Oh this should be good. Oh no! Chuddy please don't try to hit those highs!!! OH, fuck me. Seriously? If this song is supposed to be about Heavy Metal possibly an ode to metal than it just scared Rob Halford straight. I'm not sure really what the song is supposed to be about, because there are no lyrics online. This band sucks so bad no one has taken the time to type the lyrics out, HA! Before any of you Horror Punk Historians try to school me on what the song is about, save it. Don't care, if I read the lyrics now it will just remind me of that one time I had to listen to that song that made my brain vomit.

Track 4 - Spiderbaby - This song opens with promise. Starts with a tad bit of a jam. I'm digging it. Then Chud opens his throat hole. Oh man. I don't think this fucker could sing in key even if you gave him the vocal chords of Elvis. The guitars on this one seem really bad to me after a minute of listening. Almost like someone is rubbing a tin can on the strings. Not that I would want them level, but the vocals are really under level on this one for some reason also. Complete turd-tacular.

Track 5 - Blue Skin - Whoahhhhhhhohhhhhhhohhhh… I was waiting for that. I got it. I guess this is supposed to be our dark brooding song about a dead girl on this CD. I wish I were dead right now. Knowing my luck, I'd die right now go to hell and be stuck with all of X-Ward playing 24/7. This song makes me want to insert tampons sideways in my ear canal. I'm supposing this is supposed to be the dark slow jam, but it sounds more like some sick animals moaning into microphones and as with everything else on this album all the instruments seem to blend together into a nice soupy mess of shit. Lyrics, fuck I don't know - you tell me. Or wait don't.

Track 6 - Goodbye - Alright goodbye! If only I could be so lucky! Oh fucking epic another slow song. I wonder if when they recorded this if Chud was wearing that infamous pink sparkle shirt he dawned when X-Ward began? That would be fitting because this song gives off the vibe that someone has man-PMS. He was obviously on his period when he wrote this shit-tacular ditty. Aww, sensitive Chud. Be sensitive to my hearing and end this misery parade already!

Track 7 - Rabid - REALLY?!?!?! Another sappy fuck fest?! Oh my god, I can't take this. Who the fuck can think this is a good jam? Oh wait it's picking up now. Starting to jam,.... BLUE BALLS! Back to the fuck fest. I'm not even finishing this song. Horrible!

Track 8 - Bury You Alive - Holy shit this started out OK. Then I noticed it is the same vein as Mommy Made Luv 2 an Alien. This was written for 13 year old girls who are just discovering their tits and punk rock. Disgusting. Thank fucking god this is the last song. Go back behind the drums fucker! (for good)

OH WAIT IT'S NOT OVER!!!

If you were unfortunate enough to buy this grand copy of shit on vinyl and your record player didn't explode after the first track, then you got to hear the bonus track!!! Fucking hooray for you!!!

Bonus Track - Hanging on the Telephone (Blondie Cover) - Oh yes, while we totally fuck everyone in the ear that buys our shit storm of an album let's just disgrace Debby Harry while we are at it. I'm sure if Blondie ever heard this she looked up Chud and popped a kick off in his junk. Or at least I hope she would. They raped, maimed, and left for dead this awesome song. I don't think I ever want to hear this song again, their version or Blondies because it will bring back memories of my ears being fucked for over a half hour.

Well, that's it kids. Sorry if I offended any X-Ward fans. Opinions are a son of a bitch. Thanks for reading and if you don't like it please go fornicate yourself with an X-Ward CD and do the world a favor!!!

-She Who Cannot Be Named 2010
(Editors note: This album sucks as hard as Project 1950. If you don't believe me...check out this video for the song "Powerless"...check out the sequence shirt)

Show Review: Warrirors of Metal III

The lunar rays drenched the southern Ohio landscape as, yours truly, infiltrated a cult of shred worshipers. Yeah, you heard me, I again lent my capabilities and skill to the Warriors of Metal Open Air festival. I will lament my experiences of this ninja operation to my loyal fans. Keep in mind that only a few people knew that i would be reviewing any of this event. My reasoning is simplistic in that I didn't want anyone putting on a front for me. Let me tell you that i ran into enough ego, dickhead attitude, and rejects from Overkill to kill most normal people. Now keep in mind that i come from a very...different...background. The people i met make my punk rock and gothic scene history knowledge look like a 3rd grade history book, full of basic half truths and just skin deep. I spent some time hanging with MettleAngel from Metal Covenant.com. I would venture to say that hanging out with a guy who is an encyclopedia of heavy metal knowledge can be intimidating. I also met and had no clue who Joe Stump or one of the former Nevermore/Annihilator guitarists were. Sorry guys i don't listen to you jerk your guitars off on CD. My bad. I'm pretty sure these ego driven "talents" wanted me to clean their balls off because of how great they were. These two gents (with another ego who I don't know and tried to use me as a whipping boy...more on that later) were present for a Dio tribute set. Let me get to how these three guys RUINed 2 songs in 30 minutes...ugh. So to not get terribly off track I shall start at the beginning.

I really back what Ryan and Datis are trying to do. However, do not get any misconceptions. Ryan does most of the work and Datis is the proverbial ATM. I would suggest to Datis to not be a dick to the help when the help is not getting paid. It seemed that whenever something went wrong someone would yell at me. I was by far not the only person working at this festival. This kind of mood gave me no reason to go back to day to. Which I must say is a shame because i really wanted to see Zephaniah with their new lead singer, but the belligerent sun and bad attitudes gave me no inspiration to venture out for another day of tiring asshatery. This is all behind the scenes B.S. and will be found at any major festival or show. I could go on and on about the business end of music, but i'll leave it with my mood being sour by the time Omen went on.

And the first band begins before we, the crew, got the tarp up over the stage. It was hot. I'm talking the kind of hot that melts roofing tar. It was turning most of us into fried humans wrapped into a soft rock n' roll outer coating. I enjoy looking nice, but for the summer months just kill me. I have no idea how people get along south of Tennessee. If I get the chance I will move my heat hating ass to somewhere that only has a month or so of summer. Anyway, Wrecked put on a show and did not melt completely in the process. Their sound was a mix of good stoner metal, southern rock, and traditional heavy metal. From the one day i went they stood out nicely. They are a young band and hopefully will come into their own a bit more. Unfortunately, their music was over shadowed by me trying not to have a fucking heat stroke. No worries. Your fearless reviewer pilfered a CD from one of their guitarists to review. Then we shall see just how amazingly quick i can rip on their music.

Wrecked ended their set as we got the tarp up over the stage. I think it just made the damned stage hotter. I suppose that was fitting as a band that dawned the name Skeletor hit the stage. I could do nothing more than rag on these guys. Not that their music was bad. It wasn't at all. Their style was of very traditional heavy metal. Their playing was great. Taking your work seriously is one thing and then not taking your work seriously is another. Their lead singer was a nerd on par with your average Magic: The Gathering player. To say that this guy's lyrics are tongue and cheek is like saying that Emperor Palpatine was a little evil. I must say that the part of their set that go me was when they went into a song about the War of the Roses. This was not a war. It had nothing to do with Roses. That whole thing was poetic license by Sir Walter Scott talking about the two involved families badges. The singer then went on to say something about victory. There was no fucking victory about over this little family spat over the English throne. Maybe you could call Henry VII's marriage to Elizabeth of York (merging the Lancaster and York lines) being a victory, but this was nothing new to England. By the time Henry VII (Tudor) had come to the throw there had been three other members of his family on the throne. Granted Henry had to kill Richard III to stop his usurpation of the throne. UGH!!! Essentially, the singer called victory to a power struggle in England in the late 1300's thru the 1460's that had no real definitive end. He should have written the goddamned song about the Battle of Bosworth if he really wanted a good song about Victory. In that battle, Richard III and his army were crushed and Henry VII sealed the line of the Tudors for the several hundred years to rule England. If one thing annoys me about musicians who try and write about history, it is when the portray events inaccurately. Be poetic and precise, you lily wankers!

So with the schlock fest that was Skeletor leaving the stage we were privy to another band of the same sound-Beyond Fallen. A tight band with good musicians. My problem is that every song was in the same key and i swear to the gods had the same bloody groove. FUCK!!! They just droned on and on. BORING!!! Not the good kind of drone like SunO))). I wish it could have been something in that vein. This was just down tuned metal crap to me. It wasn't Nu-metal so that was a plus, but still boring as hell to me. The crowd seemed to like them, but the turn out for their set was not in comparison to others.

Jacobs Dream are apparently Columbus metal legends. Personally, I had never heard of them, but my metal knowledge only extends so far. I'm more of an easy listening kind of guy... So these guys got up and did what they do best. They played traditional Heavy Metal with an edge of refinement and age. Good set from a cookie cutter band in the genre. I will say right now that the major thing that this fest is starting to have a problem with is that there are to many bands of the same genre. See with genre's like Goth there are many different way to approach the aesthetic. With a Metal fest that is going for traditional/power/thrash metal the bands begin to all sound the same. Then again i could probably say that about most metal bands. By this point in the fucking show i was actually wanting to hear a damned death metal band. This not exactly a feeling i gain often. By the time Omen was on I was lamenting my need for some Black Metal. Seriously...traditional and power heavy metal are genre's where i loathe about 90 percent of the aesthetic. It's all leather pants, long hair, and bad beer.

The out of country band was up next and they get the Hydro seal of approval. Fucking Hell, Dantesco was absolutely fantastic. The sun had dropped and the late June blood moon had rise fully. The night air quenched the body thirst that the evil day star had wrought. The lead singer came out dressed in monks robes and was talking about werewolf rape. This motherfucker won me over in about half a heart beat. Shame on me for not being familiar with their back catalog. These cats are from Puerto Rico and were flown in by Datis to slaughter the masses. The band did so with unholy fury. This was my highlight band of the evening. I highly suggest checking out this band. The songs have really great story lines. I'm a sucker for well thought out writing.

Next came Imagika, and if ever a name did not fit the band. They claimed that their sound was power thrash...i'm not even sure what the fuck that means. What i do know is that they all looked like wanker Orange County boys, their bassist was the tightest musician i've ever heard, and they put on a really great show. Not really much more to say then that. Seriously guys, get a new band name. Imagika was the original name for The Birthday Massacre. The name fit them. It does not fit you.

Finally, Omen took the stage. As per Warriors of Metal tradition, i was so wiped out that i didn't watch their set. I was up at the front gate in a chair talking to some friends. They were loud and i could hear them well so my only comment was that they put on a good tight set. It sounded pretty good from where i was sitting.

Now let me rewind to a few things that really pissed me the fuck off. We are talking hulk smash here. For one the Dio tribute set, and by set i mean 2 songs. So now i ask the readers a question. What do you get when three classically trained metal guitarists with ego get on stage? I'm sure you can suss out what happened. They played "Man on the Silver Mountain" and "Voodoo". Two songs that might take up 11 minutes and spent over 20 minutes soloing. It was no tribute! It was a contest to see who could jerk off with more style. In the name of Dio i was appalled by these assholes. One was Joe Stump. One was some guy from Annihilator and Nevermore. The other guy was just some famous douche that i didn't care about, but he chose me as his personal servant for some of the night. All three are wankers. All three individuals noodle far to much. I could probably rant about these asshats all night, but i won't. I will save you all the pain. Just know that if you can play a sweeping arpeggio then you aren't that special.

The final annoying portion of the night happened between bands. The sets blend together and i didn't take notes (i know...great journalism), but between most of the bands there were "shred contests". Only a few of these guys were any good and most of them felt that fast sweeping arpeggio's made them look impressive. Adam Route
(formerly of Woe of Tyrants) and Justin Zych (Zepheniah) were the highlights. However, this is not about the highlights. This is about a douche bag. If you live in a shitty apartment in Williamsburg, OH, spout off about how Pantera is your god collective, and area dick to people who are just trying to make things run, then you need your knees broken and then run over by a lawn mower. This man was shredding with two others: Brandon from Death Dealer (cool guy) and some other cat who looked like he belonged at an Abercrombie and Fitch store. The douche nozzle went by the moniker Adam bomb. Real catchy there you stompcore reject. He was pretty much shit at playing too. I think if you talk a good game you should be able to play. Joe Stump is a cock, but the guy plays guitar like Hugh Hefner gets women.

So the end of the night came and I was annoyed. If i missed anything or got a few of the bands out of sequence, fuck you. They blended together and I didn't take notes. For the more coherent review from a real metal fan go check out Metal Covenant. This is just my take from a non-metal fan. Inevitable, my presence was not felt the next day, but my review will be. I am going to listen to something that is not bad metal now. Living in Chillicothe has the major problem of having bad metal or even semi-okay metal shoved down ones throat. This is a problem when other styles of music are the main stay to your musical diet. I suggest checking out Warriors of Metal in the next few years, but only if you are a true denim and patch wielding, mullet rocking, cheap beer swilling metal machine.

Osaka Popstar and the American Legends of Punk - S/T

Greeting’s to one and all! I am Hydro and this is another addition of Audio Diarrhea. Today I must be really insane…well more than normal. Maybe I have finally been driven to levels of madness that most haven’t recognized or I’m just a sadist. Well whatever the case may be this album should loosen your colon with the force to match the Hover dam breaking. Now what are two things that should never go together? No, not sports stars and music this time. Though, in this case we do have a link to that combo. Jerry Only and John Cafiero…oh yes…I’m talking about Osaka Popstar. This was a “super group” of American punk “legends” gathered together by Cafiero. The point was to put out a rockin’ punk album. Well what we got was a product worse than anything the mainstream record labels ever put out. Something so over commercialized that it just screams “I’ve been marketed for Japan.” I wish some stereotypes weren’t true, but in this case Japan will buy anything. From what I heard of the Misfits/Osaka Popstar tour that went to Japan the shows were sold out. Once I go through this album you will understand why it was geared toward a Japanese audience. No self respecting music fan who is not a demented collector or just green would buy this piece of shit.

Before I get into how wrong the existence of this album is. I have to share my feelings on something. I hate John Cafiero’s art. I hate John Cafiero’s corporate work ethic. I hate everything John Cafiero stands for. I hate John Cafiero’s mother for not faking a headache the night he was conceived. Her son would go on to exploit punk in the lamest of ways. Cafiero is about as punk as Brittney Spears after she shaved her head. It isn’t hard to point out a musician who’s genuine. I’m sure the first time bands like Generation X or The Damned were seen people thought they were sincere. When I look at John Cafiero my first impression is that he paid for his friends. He is nothing but a music fan that ended up with a little too much money and not the right frame of mind in music. That all equals music executive…well he’s not. The guy is a fucking film director. Not even good films. He directs music videos mostly. Dare I mention the travesty that was the (new) Misfits song “I wanna be a NY Ranger” that Cafiero sang guest vocals on. Ugh!!! I wanted to crucify this jack-off just for that 1:36 of wasted audio and stain on the legacy….AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hydro banging his head on the wall for the next 10 minutes.

Hmmm. Ok, a short history of John Cafiero determines how he met the rest of the band behind Osaka Popstar. You know…I smell Jerry Only all over this intestinal fluid. Talk about a man who has spent the first decade of the 21st century making bone head business moves. About the only good thing I can say about Jerry Only is he can market about anything. I’m pretty sure he could sell ice with the misfits logo somehow printed on it to punk rock Eskimos. Anyway, John Cafiero, douche nozzle, met Jerry Only on the set of the Insane Clown Posse movie Big Money Hustlas. Cafiero had a small scene in the movie and had the seat of producer. I’m neutral on the ICP issue, so do not ask. I am however rather heated on the fact that Jerry and John forged a relationship that would endure. Cafiero direct the (new) Misfits videos for “Dig Up Her Bones” and “American Psycho” (off of the album American Psycho). Next was, in my opinion, the largest of his accomplishments. He edited and produced the Ramone’s DVD entitled “Ramones Raw”. This fucker should have stuck to putting things onto film. I highly enjoyed the (new) Misfits videos and that Ramones DVD is pretty neat too. But as the story continues the man hatches a plan with Jerry Only to drive a stake through the heart of fiends across the world.

So here is where I tell the story about a money grubbing ass-hat who has more business skill than lasting musical talent. I know I’m rough on Jerry, but these are hard knocks man. He had big boots to fill (and tiny pants…really have you seen Glenn) and I think up until about 1999 he did a fine job filling them. The (new) Misfits legacy is rocky but arguablely good quality. I’ve mentioned this in the past, but now is not the time for a debate about the pros and cons. Jerry Only began to expand his business after the departure of Graves, Chud, and Doyle (Jerry’s little brother). Misfits Records became an actuality and the M25 reunion came around. Well since the rest of the band quit Jerry had to find replacements. Enter Dez Cadena (formerly of Black Flag) and Marky Ramone (who I scared into the back of the Misfits tour bus…true story) to take over guitar and drum duties. This was supposed to be a one off show, but as we see it has lasted seven years. I believe a couple of years ago Marky finally cut out and Jerry rehired Robo (drummer on Earth A.D). So with this line up Jerry and John plotted out the plan for a new band. Second guitar duties were handled by Ivan Julian (of The Voidoids). I’m pretty sure that Dez, Marky, and Ivan were all in need of the money. That is my only explanation. I want to believe that these men were desperate for a pay check. I can understand wanting to play music with your friends, but some artistic integrity would be nice.

At least the music is good…

So now we get to the album. It sounds like the sound track to a fucking Saturday Morning kids show. There are WAY to many cover songs (Wicked World, Man of Constant Sorrow, I Live Off You, Love Comes In Spurts, Blank Generation) for a bands first LP. Am I really supposed to take this shit seriously? I’m a nerd^10, but if I am going to be inspired by an anime there will be more of a dip into poetic license. Even Cafiero’s voice sounds like a guy writing songs for an early morning kids program. Hell, maybe that was the point of this music. Oh, but they don’t come out and say that. Jerry Only hyped this shit like it was a neat new side project. I think it was just a cosmic rape session. “Wicked World” was the first single from the album. It is also the first track. The song is a cover originally written by folk artist Daniel Johnston. I’ve not heard the original, but I’m sure it is a fair bit better than what we have here. Musically it isn’t bad, but Cafiero has no power to his voice. The next two songs are “Astro Boy” and “Sailor Moon”… Let me say that again SAILOR FUCKING MOON. I like anime. I like anime a whole bunch, but if I were to write a song about an anime it would not be Sailor Moon as the subject. And for that matter what is even worse. He didn’t write this song. It is the goddamned Sailor Moon THEME SONG. FACE PALM Did Cafiero’s testical’s pack up and leave during the recording session? It wouldn’t surprise me if “Astro Boy” was a modified version of the original theme song as well. The song “Insects” pushes the kiddie bubble-gum punk idea even more. I can imagine Gargamel from The Smurfs singing the chorus “You better watch out or the insects will get you”. The next original is called “Monsters”. Forgettable. “Where’s the Cap’n”? Forgettable. “Shoalin Monkies” is the last song. With the amount of covers on this record I don’t know if this is an original or not. Judging by the theme and poorly written lyrics I would say yes. With the amount of cartoon themed songs on this we get a really harsh contrast to the cover songs. The album is geared toward the anime community in Japan. I’m pretty sure that the US anime scene has better sense than to pick this hunk of steaming dung up. At least I would hope.

I was attempting to separate the originals from the covers on this album, but it seems that well over half of the album is not original. Seven of the twelve tracks are covers; at least I think the last five are original. You know what? I don’t care enough to find out. Do yourself a favor and do not buy this piece of shit. If you see John Cafiero out on the street, punch him repeatedly in the face and tell him Hydro sends his regards.

This album is 100% all American bullshit!

(I have to comment on this picture. Cafiero looks like he is in the midst of his idols. He looks like a fucking fan boy. Kinda sets the mood of the album.)

"Macho Man" Randy Savage - Be A Man

Fuck the intro; you know who I am and what I do! I’m so damned excited about reviewing this atrocity. What are two things that have PROVEN not to go together? Now come on…think about it…

The answer is sports and music! Now don’t get all worried; I won’t be reviewing Shaq’s other albums. I don’t think I could take any more genie rap in this life time. No, this is something far more insane. Something I never thought could have happened in the world of music.

In 2003 “Macho Man” Randy Savage flipped the switch of the guillotine and ended his career. The crescendo came on compact disc, and feature 45 minutes of ego fueled rap. You really didn’t read that wrong. “Macho Man” put out a fucking rap album. I know some of my readers have heard legend of this album, but did they ever think I’d review it? Probably not is the most likely answer. Trust me, just looking at that 45 minute mark is making me regret this.

To start, this album suffers from the sports/music cross over niche downfall. You all must have figured this out from the Shaq albums. Bigger sports stars that have little or no real talent and overly confident agents venture into the entertainment industry. At times this works. You can see this with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Arnold Schwarzenegger (he had a rocky start but T2 melts faces). My point is that 99% of the time athletes have talent for their sport and NOT MUSIC (Chris Jericho being a major exception). Personally I find Randy Savage’s voice god damned annoying. Remember back to the Slim Jim commercials he did. Now imagine that put to 45 minutes hip hop. My ears are on the verge of mutiny right now. I can’t say enough GOOD things about “Macho Man” back in his glory days of WWF and WCW. He is one great pro-wrestler that has just enough cheese to make the man-opera enjoyable. Back in the day wrestling was the shit!

So…now we get down to this horrid audio experience.

1. Intro - Another horrible intro to a bad rap album. It takes the form of a semi-news report. It talks about how he signed to Big 3 records. Don’t ask me, I’ve never heard of them. It also has sound snippets of people (mostly women) saying how great Randy Savage is. How sexy he is. How kick ass he is. I’m going to predict at least half of this album is just one big ass ego boost.
2. I’m Back - For fucks sake. Do these type of records follow a made outline? You can see a very similar track opening about every one of Shaq’s albums. I’m sure if I find other sports/music albums I will see the same type of shit. The beat reminds me of late 90’s WCW rap/rock schlock. He gives this big shout out at the end of the song to his “posse”. This is a throw away track with a forgettable beat.
3. Ru Ready - The hype track. This could be an opener on another album. Though if he ever makes another rap album I’ll be scared. The beat throws more of this pseudo rock/rap mix. Rap/rock is extremely hard to pull of properly, and this is not it. I will say his rhymes are solid. They have the depth of a kiddy pool in Texas. Solid none the less.
4. Hit the Floor - DJ Kool guests on this track and I will guarantee he is the best thing you’ll hear. This is the party song. The first minute or so all you hear is DJ Kool tearing shit up 80’s Miami bass style and “Macho Man” sticking in his traditional “OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH YEAH”. The beat is good, but is utterly ruined by a certain keyboard patch. Anyone familiar with standard keyboard patches will know this annoying piece of shit. It’s the hip hop “hit”. It’s a bit hard to explain if you haven’t heard it, but be assured that it’s annoying.
5. Let’s Get It On - Here we have another “let’s kick some butt” (actual lyric) type song. The beat is annoying; the hook is standard issue fail. The only thing I’ll give this song is that it’s short, clocking in at 2:38.
6. Remember Me - Oh, the rap ballad. Can we say “plea for help”. If you have to ask to be remembered then you have issues. Those who care will keep it alive. These are bargain bin beats. It’s like the producers were only humoring “Macho Man” when he and his agent proposed this project.
7. Tear It Up - More rap/rock weakness with more “I’m gonna kick your butt and I got women and the belt” type lyrics. Really, out of Randy Savage this should be expected, so I can’t judge the guy on his lyrics. You can’t expect a Bach piano concerto when you have a have a hobo with a tin can.
8. Macho Thang - This shit just got awesome! The beat is all 8bit and isn’t annoying. The lyrics tell a story of “Macho Man” at a club and how he is just pwning faces and getting ladies. Maybe this album has gotten so ridiculous that it’s moved to bad ass. I think yes!
9. Be A Man - This starts with a total diss (I’m to white to use that word) to Hulk Hogan. Anybody want to see elderly men get into a fist fight? In fact the whole song is just one big “heat” making track. Savage spends the whole song calling out Hogan for a fight. I’m not sure I even paid attention to the beat.
10. Get Back - This has a weak slow beat, and is completely over shadowed by the last song. More of that ego trippin wrasslin music. NEXT!!!
11. Feel the Madness - The beat is weird, in a good way. The hook is pretty neat too as they sing the song title. Surprisingly, Randy Savage is a pretty solid rapper. Granted, the guy has two things he talks about: kicking ass and women. Yet again I say…what do you expect.
12. What That’s All About - Here we find the softer side of “Macho Man”. I suspect this is dedicated to his wife Miss Elizabeth. Good thought, but the execution is just horrible. It talks about his rocky relationship with said female. As the chorus says “First you love me, then you hate me. Want to leave me, Pretty lady. Can you tell me what’s that all about?” If that puts this song in perspective, I don’t know what does. There are some things that should be left to private conversations.
13. Gonna Be Trouble - This track doesn’t even have novelty. The beat is sub-par, the lyrics are lame in the Chucky Cheese sense of things, and it sounds like the B-squad of the rough ridas are doing the backing vocals.
14. My Perfect Friend - This is an ode to Mr. Perfect. For that alone that I have respect for this song. I never like him as a wrestler, but I do have fond memories of him in WWF back in the 80’s. The beat has that amazing 8bit vibe again; though it is marred by these damned annoying clicks/hand claps. This is a great ender for the album. Nothing will get me more then a good sentimental song.

So that’s “Be A Man” by Randy Savage. For a 51 year old guy who spent his whole life in the wrestling ring it wasn’t a half bad album. By no means is this superior hip hop, but if you are a wrestling fan you will get a kick out of this. One thing that surprises me is that The Ultimate Warrior never put out any form of music. Hell he put out bad comics and insane books, but never music. I’d almost pay to hear a spoken word CD by the guy. Maybe the trend of wrestlers putting out music albums could become THE THING. Feuds could be sparked in song. It would take the man-opera to a whole new level; The musical rendition of WWE.

On second thought, let us leave the wrestling to the wrestlers and the music to the musicians.

Thank you and GOODNIGHT!

^^^^^^The Wrestler^^^^^^


^^^^^^The Rapper^^^^^^

T.S.O.L. - Hit and Run

Greetings and Salutations! I am Hydro, Your friendly neighborhood music fanatic. The school quarter is over and I feel revitalized and relaxed. I think it’s about time to put in a few CD’s and give my thoughts on them. Tonight we have a scar on punk rock…well the first of many to come. I have heard women say scars are sexy…Not in this case.

American Punk can be a double edged blade. As we know there are some bands that claim the punk label (and uniform), but clearly are in no way true to the movement. I promise I will not rant about that particular subject at this present time. *cough*fuck Good Charlotte*cough* I will, however, rant about one of my favorite second wave U.S. punk bands. Why verbally abuse one of my favorite bands you ask? Well let me tell you why.

The True Sounds of Liberty, or T.S.O.L., were formed under the brilliant sun of Long Beach, California back in 1979. The band formed out of the cluster fuck of an outfit called Vicious Circle. Vicious Circle was more of a gang then anything. Stories of their shows usually ended with riots and blood, not necessarily in that order. I know TSOL shows ended the same way, but Vicious Circle played less music in between their brawling. Young Jack Grisham, who held a plethora of names to help save him from those he angered during this time, was known as the “violent type” of front man. He would wear a dress and combat boots and if a person said something to him he would kick their teeth in. I could bask in individual stories of this band for days, but I shall move forward to my destination. During the early 1980’s T.S.O.L. put out a few classic 7”s and two fantastic full length albums (Dance with Me and Beneath the Shadows). Their music was bi-polar in theme, having a gothic twinge to some and political to others. This sounds like a recipe for some good times, no? Well where did they go wrong you ask?

Many of the early 80’s punk bands were volatile by nature. They trumped the large arena rock bands by being even more wildly out of control. T.S.O.L. thanked a certain church’s P.A. system for helping them. If I remember the story correctly they desecrated that churches altar as well. I have no problem with that, but one must is pushing the limits. I remember reading somewhere that members of this band were even involved in some grave robbery. Now due to all of this extra music activity (and drug use…the punk rock trend) members of this band ended up all over the place. Jack would have to use different names, as seen on much of the original album artwork, and sneak out of town to let things mellow. This is how things change, and boy did T.S.O.L. take a left turn. In 1984 Jack Grisham and Todd Barnes had left the band. To make matters worse Ron Emory and Mike Roche became friends with Guns N’ Roses. This is where the real bitch fest begins.

To replace Jack and Todd we find Joe Wood (Jack Grisham’s brother-in-law) and Mitch Dean, in all of their hair spray laden glory. Just after Guns N’ Roses “Sweet Child of Mine” video came out T.S.O.L. released the not punk album “Hit and Run”. Yes…this is the audio earthquake that is disrupting my brainwaves as we speak. By the time the album came out Ron Emory had quit. I guess he realized what a huge mistake this was too. This left Mike Roche as the sol original member of the band. Oh and yes…this is the most bizarre part. Just before the follow up to “Hit and Run” was released Roche left the band. One would think that this would be the end. Oh, don’t you wish. The band continued with NO ORIGINAL MEMBERS. How the hell does this work. Not one person in the band during this era had ever been involved with punk rock. This line up didn’t just put out 2 albums. They put out four full lengths (with Ron and Mike one at least 2 and half) and a live album. So the whole middle life of the True Sounds of Liberty is nothing than a hair metal nightmare. By rights the only thing that carried the band was the name the original line-up made the first 5 years. Thankfully in 1991 the original line-up reformed and are still playing to this day (minus Todd Barnes who died in 1999, R.I.P.). So now after all of this I get to the review. Let’s take a look at this middle period T.S.O.L. pile of shit called “Hit and Run”.

For shame, Ron Emory! For Shame, Mike Roche! I like to believe they were just experimenting, like former college students I’ve known, with different styles of music. Seriously though, the style goes from a beautifully gothic punk sound to pure leather clad COCK ROCK. This is stunningly and all encompassingly mind fucked. This is so not right it calls for a new word…something…that could describe Jerry Only’s career currently…something…full bodied. Maybe Destrucity will cover this. If you’ve not heard this word then you need to read some comic books that epicly fail. Anyway, Let me stop putting this album off and get to the sucka ass bitch pickle that waits.

Track #1 – “It’s Too Late”: Solid guitars, 4 X 4 on the floor, with that gruff pelvis waving beat, and a mix of AC/DC and Winger guitar riffs. This is no where near as impressive as AC/DC, but just as lame as Winger. The sleeze just rolls off of this album. By the lyrics alone “It’s too late to be my lover” I can just envision tight leather pants and teased hair violating an audience.

Track #2 – “Road of Gold”: This looks up a little bit as Ron Emory’s brilliant song writing shines through. His hollow guitar tone heard on earlier records rings right through the Aquanet symphony. I can hear hints of the doors shining through this. I almost like this song. The draw back is that I very much dislike Joe Wood’s vocals and lyrical content. He’s not as bad as Mr. Glass from the early Pantera years, but even still.

Track #3 – “The Name is Love”: What is it with 80’s cock rock bands and their fucking obsession with wankeresque love songs. This is no ballad, so don’t get that idea. I’d have to cut myself if that ever happened. No this is more of that light AC/DC riffage with Joe Wood’s annoying voice screaming that his name is love. Thankfully Ron Emory writes halfway decent music.

Track #4 – “Dreamer”: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! This song is almost slower than the rest. We are verging on ballad here. Ron’s writing is pretty nice, but this is not T.S.O.L. I am starting to see a theme here that I don’t like. The songs all have the same arrangement. Verse/Chorus/Verse/Chorus/Solo/Breakdown/Chorus…FOR SHAME!

Track# 5 – “Good Mornin’ Blues”: What the fuck is this shit? This is just fuckin odd. No white man should ever sing the fucking blues. Ron can play a riff like no ones business, but…but…but…I’m going to find Joe Wood and step on his god damned testicles. There are a few white men who can pull off the bluesy rock, and this is neither Led nor Zeppelin. Eric Claptin called and said to stop…just stop.

Track #6 – “Hit and Run”: Here we come to the title track of this ear raping. On this song they invoke Electric Mayham and Ratt. Cheesy 70’s organ, a really shitty riff, and lyrics about driving a car really fast…this is every bad cock rock cliché wrapped into a nice little package. And to believe I’m only at the half way point.

Track #7 – “Not Alone Anymore”: I actually really like the music of this song, but yet again it falls short. The arrangement is only augmented by changing from distortion to Ron Emory’s signature hollow guitar. If anything this song leaves you wanting more.

Track #8 – “Sixteen”: Ah…the Rebel from birth song. Shot a man at 15, 16 headed for the gallows. I bet if you go through EVERY single hair metal band from the 80’s catalogue you will find a song that is similar to this. The music is more of the same drivel, tight instrumentation, and Joe Woods annoying throat noise.

Track #9 – “Stay with Me”: Well the beginning of this is promising with some very “Beneath the Shadows” guitar work. However, as soon as Wood opens his mouth the song is ruined by sub par lyrics. The Music invokes one feeling and the lyrics a completely different feeling. This effect could be different person to person. Overall this is an average hair metal song.

Track #10 – “Where Did I Go Wrong”: For the love of all that is good in this dimension...The urban cowboy song. This is invoking BON FUCKING JOVI!??!?!?! Someone get my hammer. I’m going to destroy this vile disk before it hurts anyone else. Yes this is the introspective urban cowboy ballad about how the lyricist has screwed his life to hell and back. I have a feeling Black Flag would have kicked this shit out of these guys if they would have still been together (the album came out in 1987 and Flag broke up in 86).

Track #11 – “You Can Try”: I was hoping I would get away before someone busted out the acoustic guitar. The only thing that could make this worse is if Terry Glass came along and did a duet with Joe Wood. This is mediocre acoustic music to boot. The only punk band that could pull off the acoustic thing was Husker Du (and most of their fans didn’t like it when they did).

As the disk ends I must reflect on what I’ve heard. Could this be worse? Yes, I think that this could have been much worse. I mean have you heard Poison?

Was the instrumentation poor? No, this was a pretty tight band, but I understand why Ron Emory quit after the recording of this album.

How was the song writing? The song writing was completely repetitive and sub par for a T.S.O.L. record…especially in the lyrical department. Joe Wood had delusions of wanting to be in Guns N’ Roses.
In finality go out and get “Dance with me” or “Beneath the Shadows”. Even the original line-up’s material post 91’ is on back track and worth a listen. Someone needs to go find Joe Woods home, apologize to his wife, and proceed to curb stomp him until he looks like a South Park Canadian for helping create this era of T.S.O.L. I won’t be completely unfair to this record. I will give this a 4 out of 10 (5 being average). My reasoning is that the musicians are competent at their instruments and they wrote solid songs…very unoriginal songs, but solid songs none the less.

Now before I go insane from listening to that album (twice no less) I will indulge you in the difference between the two eras. Listening to old T.S.O.L. is like getting a bar of chocolate after being stuck on a deserted island for 7 years.

I’m Hydro and I’ll be back later.


^^^^^^^^^^^Original Line-Up TSOL^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


^^^^^^^^^^^^Joe Woods Abomination - Title Track Hit and Run - live^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Pantera - I Am the Night

Greetings and welcome to the Lost Pages where advice, be it good or bad, is given freely. I am Hydro and I HATE REDNECKS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! After reviewing this schlock I’m going to have to listen to Bach (or the Subhumans) for a month to detox. When one envisions 80’s metal excess, tight leather pants and hair spray come to mind. I know there were some decent metal bands during the 80’s and NONE of them were on MTV (you know when they used to play videos). That might be a misjudging statement, but it is accurate that bands such as Poison, White Lion, White Snake, Scorpions, Ratt, Winger, Faster Pussycat, W.A.S.P. I could go on for ages. Do you see the trend, because I surely see that too many musicians used to regularly visit the zoo. During the second wave of glam rock begot a trend to name a band after some exotic animal. And in this movement the melodious maestros known as Pantera were born. I can already tell that many of you thought Pantera was formed in all of their Texas redneck fury in the late 80’s when “Cowboys From Hell” smacked the world in the kisser.

WRONG!!!

Pantera was indeed formed by the Abbott brothers Vincent and Diamond (later to be changed to Dimebag). OH…did I mention the band had 4 albums, 1 other lead singer, Fourty gallons of hair spray, and a run on Sunset Strip before “Cowboys From Hell” was released. I know! I was a bit shocked to hear this news myself. I am by no means a Pantera fan. In fact I very much dislike everything the band stood for and their lead singer Phil Anselmo held the torch for one of the larger douche towel depositorys in history. Those are enormous shoes to fill since we find many an asshole in this business. Now I do give credit where it is due. The band was tight as all get out and Dimebag’s guitar playing was stunning from start to finish.

Now back to my initial point. Pantera emerged from the second wave of glam metal. In no way do ANY of these 1980’s bands hold a flame to David Bowie, Roxy Music, The New York Dolls, Brian Eno, or any other proto glam band. Yes, I know I am probably getting my glam metal continuity mixed up. However, the assumption is being thought that I actually care about glam metal. If you have a problem take it up with Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister (who I have extreme respect for and hate his bands music). Yet again I digress… Pantera formed in 1981 with original cock rock leader man Terry Glaze. With this gentleman, and I use the term gentlemen loosely, the band recorded 3 albums: Metal Magic (1983), Projects in the Jungle (1984), I Am the Night (1985). After Phil joined the band (his first album Power Metal [1987] ) and Cowboys dropped the band completely denied ever having put out these records. I always say our past makes us who we are. And after listening to what I am about to share with you, the readers, I’m not sure I would have seen this coming or would have ever wanted to. I abhor the whole genre of redneck/southern/hillbilly metal. Pantera is held as some kind of first line soundtrack for gun toting, tobacco chewing, sister fucking, rebel ass goblins. I blame some of this atrocity on Ted Nugent. FUCK YOU TED!

I’m rambling now…mostly because I do not want to get into this review. Alas, let me dig in with both hands. Lets take a look at Pantera’s 3rd relase with Terry Glaze entitled “I Am the Night”. The way I see it this album should have some of their tighter material since they had been with this front man for some time. Let me just remind you that this is NOT THE PANTERA YOU KNOW.

1. Hot and Heavy – At best this is cookie cutter metal of the mid 80’s. Diamond Darrell’s guitar licks are solid. The song writing isn’t bad. The vocals could be plugged into about 40 other glam metal bands of the time. There is nothing that separates this band from any other band in the scene. At best this song is forgettable.
2. I Am the Night – Ah!!! The namesake of the album. Darrell shows his shred capability, and it is top notch. The singer is starting with this trend of monotonous vocals. Who would have thought that a man who can hit a falsetto that high could some how sound monotone. WAIT!!! Could it be? Not again… DAMN YOU SOUND ENGINEERS!!! I can understand not having a budget and access to high quality equipment. I really can. But for the love of all of the old gods learn how to use the fucking EQ you have. The instruments seem to be properly mixed. Is there a reason the vocals have had echo shit all over them? Ugh! NEXT.
3. Onward We Rock – Who the fuck do you think you are, Man-O-War. Someone call the metal police, we have a solid case of fail. At least they haven’t started talking about how metal they are…wait…they did that last album. I need to start doing video’s of these reviews so you can see me face palming. Then again a video camera might be hazardous to my health. I could possible get to into the moment and actually run a screw driver into my ear. This song has the poetical integrity of most fortune cookies. Musically it isn’t horrible, but I think I’ve heard these licks in other songs. Like I said earlier, cookie cutter.
4. D*G*T*T*M – Could someone tell me why Darrell is attempting to emulate whale song and merging that into something almost classical and that merges into metal? Also, what the hell does the song title mean? Hang on, I know who knows. Google knows! -------- According to Wikapedia, taken with only a grain of salt, the song title means “Darrell Goes to the Movies”. Ok… This is a short little instrumental piece. Not bad at all. So far it is more memorable than anything else on the album. After a couple of listens to this track it is actually growing on me. I’m sure that feeling will be crushed as if it were a tank in a battle against Godzilla by the next track.
5. Daughters of the Queen – Mediocre and mid-tempo. BORING!!! Much of the EQ settings remind me of some early Killing Joke material, but that’s not fair because that band is actually talented. I’d like to use a meat tenderizer on Terry Glaze’s nut sack for his lyrical atrocity. This song tackles the subject of a few women who listen to their parents and stay at home. They don’t need
6. Down Below – Glaze is invoking Bobby Ellsworth from Overkill on this tune. Only that his voice is having a tendency to get very high pitched and annoying. Don’t be mistaken. I actually like Overkill. This has a very dated feel to it. Very much stereotypical glam metal. OH and I think this is about sex, either that or cannibalism. Ugh…NEXT!
7. Come-On Eyes – What the hell does that even mean? I have to look up the lyrics for this before I fly off on a tangent.-------- Wow…just wow. The chorus for this song astounds me.
She's got COME-ON EYES
Happens every time
Never givin' her love
Only givin' you lies
She'll put you thru hell
No matter how hard you try
She's got COME-ON EYES
So basically what the Glaze wrote about is that this girl is a dick tease and a liar. However, he insinuates that all women, or at least the ones that he goes after, are all the same. At least I didn’t make the mistake thinking this was a love song. Another thing, by the time a band establishes a semi-decent following and has 3 albums in stores one would make the assumption that production would go up (punk bands are not included in this). Someone give me a gun because the engineer of this record needs a few toes blown off. The drums are buried in this and sound very thin, but punchy. Yet again the guitar is tea-bagging the listener. Musically, the song is well written, but nothing special. I can understand why Darrell has such a following of guitar geeks. He wasn’t not-talented.
8. Right on the Edge – I’m on the edge of slitting my wrists. This song just flat out sucks. They push the bass a bit farther forward so Rex Rocker (yes that is his actual stage name and he now plays for Down) could get a little shine. This is just overwhelmingly mediocre. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
9. Valhalla – Is it some rite of passage that all metal bands write a song about Norse Mythology. Personally, Blind Guardian’s song by the same name is far better. Then again Blind Guardian is a better band. I am beginning to understand why the band disowned these early albums. I may not like their later material, but at least it was a tad more distinctive. This is like listening to b-side Ratt material.
10. Forever Tonight – OH GODS NO!!!!!!!!! THERE IS A FULL ON BALLAD. If there is one thing in this gargantuan universe I hate it is 80’s hair metal ballads. This song is no different. Musically the song is good. One of the better on the album, but that’s no excuse. This track bleeds the essence of cock rock. *twitch* lyrically the song tackles the *cough*overly used*cough* subject about having sex all night. This could be worse I suppose. I could be listening to Shaq again. *shudder*

That record could have been much worse. In this 3rd installment of Pantera’s legacy we find the end of Terry Glaze. I’m not sure which was worse: Anselmo or Glaze. I shall try and stay away from being to harsh on Pantera since I am in no way a fan. The early albums were glam metal padding and their later material just reinforced a scene that I believe make’s its listeners dumber the more they play the CD’s. And we wonder why the world thinks Texas is how most of the States act. It seems the loudest, richest, morons in the country hail from that godforsaken state. This record is recommended if you like 80’s glam metal or Pantera. Past that, I don’t believe there would any reason for a person to listen to this. By no means is this a bad album, but it is not good either. If you don’t believe me then listen to some of this cookie cutter cum stain.