Shaquille O'Neal - 2 albums - by Hydro

Hydro back at you like a chronic cough. Yes, it is time once again for me to delve into my insanely large record collection and pull out the worst of the worst. Oh today I have a travesty to the ears. A dischordious overture...and that might even have an air of kindness to it. Over the years and through the vast hordes of media our society kicks out, we find those wealthy and atheleticly prosporous individuals branching their "talents" into the arts. Personally, i feel these persons have to much time (and money) on their hands. We arrive at an album. Oh no...not one really album. FOUR ALBUMS!!! Yes i've kept you in suspense long enough. The "artist" in question speak of has shit on film and video game in the past and is now "putting it down" in the music world. Shaquille O'Neal...oh yes...i went there. Now i knew he had put out one album, but when i found that he had 4 albums out and a GREATEST HITS a heart attach nearly took me down. But the Shaq Attack isn't going to take this dead man down.

So for those who don't know who Shaquille O'Neal is, let me give you a bit of a history lesson. This 7'1" beast was a first round draft pick into the Orlando Magics in 1992. He later became the tip center in the NBA by 1994 when he moved to the L.A. Lakers.

That same year he shat on the video game world by releasing Shaq-Fu. Anyone who's played this horride game knows how bad it is. In 1993 (the year after he signed to the Magics) he released his first album, "Shaq Diesel". Because nothing saying rapping talent like how well you play basketball. Who here has seen the movie Kazaam? (counts hands) Right...so you've seen him rap. It flusters me so much i can't even think of a good analogy. However, with the amount of money Shaq was able to throw these god awful audio skid marks, he was able to draw in all kinds of big names on many tracks. Here i will be looking at his first two releases (Shaq Diesl and Shaq Fu-Da Return), because i'm just that much of a glutton for punishment. I swear, out of all the atheletes of the world Shaq seems to want to tarnish all mediums of art. I will admit that this is no where near as bad as the Macho Man rap album...but it still ranks a 9.5 on the audio diareha meter.

So firstly we have "Shaq Diseal". This is his first travesty upon the music world. The guy has money...a fuck load of money, and threw up the loot to have some impressive names make beats for this. Many of the beats are pretty good, but that's all they are in the end are beats. I've said it before and I will say it again. Don't just say words that kinda rhyme over a beat. Have you ever heard of actually trying to stay in time and writing an actual song. So trudging along head first into this impending shit storm.

The intro track starts with an announcer clip introducing Shaq to the Orlando Magics. Then it goes into a mixed up beat and loop.

Nothing bad, but not very memorable. Track 2 is a song that is dated as early 90's bullshit. The "song" is called (I Know I Got) Skillz and the only one on here who has skill is the featured artist Def Jef. Half the time Shaq's lyrics don't make sense, you'd have to be a basketball fan to understand, or reek of low grade late 80's rap cliches. First song and i'm ready to turn this shit off...

Well so far this album is like masterbation. Pleasing yourself, but that's about it. Track 3 is called "I'm OUtstanding"... :: face palm :: The beat is forgettable and the lyrics are all about basketball. I suppose the good thing is he is rapping about what he knows. NEXT!!! "Where Ya At" comes up in the 4th slot. 24 seconds of some guy asking where Shaq is at and Shaq sayin "I'm over here". More self wanking here and another forgettable beat. Ah...i see...aparently the intro to this song is actually the hook.

Track 5 "I Hate 2 Brag" starts with the sounds of a street ball game and then some wanker asking to talk to Def Jef. I'd have to agree with him. This album would be much better if Def Jef did the rapping on it. I'll give you two guesses what this number is about. That's right Shaq telling the world how good he is. This is like ego masterbation. He actually says "I killed Superman and Broke Batman's back". I think someone should forward this to Batman...those a big words from a guy that would get punked by the Dark Knight for even breathing in the wrong direction. Shaq's rapping is shit on this track too. Very monotone.

"Let Me In, Let Me In"...next track...this one better not be about Shaq trying to get laid. :: face palm :: Well this one is about how much better Shaq is and that most of you "no talent hoes" can "get wit me". I'm starting to think this big mother fuckers ego is large enough to where he'd rather fuck himself because no one else is worthy. Ugh. OH OH Another basketball track, "Shoot Pass Slam". Yep this one is weak too. However, i will say he comes strong with the lyrics on this one. I suspect he loves the game so much that he really knows how to talk about it. Respectable, but even this up shot is still forgettable.

Next track called "Boom" and i'm gonna go on a hunch here. This has guest rappers all over it and the voices remind me of the Gravediggaz (side project of RZA of Wu Tang), but I haven't been able to confirm this. I like the Gravediggaz so this is a treat to at least have some impression they are here on this track. Past that this song is one of the more memorable. Track 9 is called "Are You a Roughneck" and the beat for this one is pretty good. Oh, but Shaq's lyrics are fucked. I think he references a Koopa Troopa in this. He get off his vocal line a few times as well. This is a major bitch of mine about some rappers. Then again not everyone can be Chuck D. Yeah...did mention Shaq's lyrics are failing...horribly horribly failing. "Dig'em" is in the 10 spot and more of that self masterbation recipe he seems to have themed this album.

This next one demands special attention. The song is called "What's Up Doc? (Can We Rock)"...seriously...he's referencing Bugs Bunny on a non-joke album. The beat for this annoying at best. The loony toons theme just makes me laugh. A few of the songs, just like this one, i can't remember actually hearing Shaq on. This seems like all guest rappers, who i might add have way more talent then he does. Finally, the last song on this piece of flaming shit is called "Game Over". Maybe he was invoking the soul of the great profits of the past. Yes...this just an outro and is more of that street ball game. Thankfully this experience is over...

:: gets smacked in the face by Shaq FU: Da Return ::

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only did Shaq make bad movies (Kazam and Steel) and the horrible video game called Shaq Fu, but he made an album called Shaq Fu. The ONLY thing this audio anal reeming has going for it is that Wu Tang is all over it. I am a Wu Tang fan and this shitty thing opens with Method Man, ODB, and RZA all over the track, "No Hook". This is one of the better tracks too. I won't go in depth with this, but the beats are a little better. I suspect Wu Tang contributed to this a bit more. Shaq's raps are even goofier then before. Some of the songs have a good message, but suffer from lack of artist flair and weak rap skill (not on Wu Tangs neck). If i listen to this much longer i'm going to shove a pencil in my ear. So in closing the only thing this album has going for it is Wu Tang and it still falls on its face.

Never bother with this...EVER!!! Both of these albums are worth about as much as petrified goat shit. If you find yourself wanting to listen to a little of that deep thump go check out some Public Enemy, Gravediggaz, Wu Tang or Beastie Boys. Shaq...please...go back to just playing basketball and thinking you are the gods gift to mother Terra.