Doyle...

Doyle...Abominator...you make with the sexy heavy metal. I'll be writing a review of this soon enough, but if you want my initial thoughts. New name, Alex Story, refined song writing...powerful heavy metal. Not bad. Certainly leaps and bounds better than the Gorgeous Frankenstein shit fest.

I must get in depth with this, but not right now.

~~ Hydro

The Misfits - Devil's Rain | Hydro & James Only

Just when you thought it was safe to listen to the Misfits without the interruption of the present Jerry Only drops one of the worst albums I’ve heard in a while. I am Hydro and I am here to give the B.O.P.’s loyal legions the skinny on The Misfits™ new record “The Devil’s Rain”. This is a bloody shit storm as well. As Jerry Only states in the opening title track “It’s pouring down”. This is a fucking travesty to the legacy of the Misfits and Glenn Danzig. If you expect any semblance of the Danzig or Graves era Misfits than go check out those two and not Jerry Only’s traveling side show. That statement is a bit of an insult toward hardworking side show entrepreneurs. I think you may have more time watching the bearded woman suck off Aloysius the Alligator boy than you will with this sorry attempt at family friendly punk rock. Those words should never go together…EVER. However, in true fashion I, Hydrolicus, will attempt to keep an open mind and leave the bias behind for this review.

Well now, my venting shall be at length and hopefully in no way premature. First and foremost, I should address the best portion of this record. That would be the artwork. If one would pick this release up via face value there would be a misconception of badassery. However, the cover artwork is where the shock and awe stops. Another thing that annoys me about the way Misfits Records and Jerry Only have been marketing this record is the name dropping. This or that producer and this artist with tons of punk cred worked with the Misfits. Who the fuck gives two shits and a fuck about punk cred these days? I give more credit on DIY work ethic than anything, but maybe my priorities are in the wrong places. Maybe I should care about how long your devilock was or that you once used the same smack needle that Johnny Thunders did. No…No. I think I’ll stick with my first option. I don’t feel like telling who created the cover art, because he won’t get any name dropping from me. The cover is great and that is all one need know.

Now, we proceed to the meat of this new recording. First let me comment on the production and tones of the songs within. Here I’m going to name drop…and my animosity stands. It sounds as if John Cafiero had his anime reject hands all over this audio diarrhea. If I didn’t know it was a Misfits™ album I would think it was a fucking Osaka Popstar album. I was waiting for one mention of I, My, Me! Strawberry Eggs or the theme song from Gigantor to come on at any moment. The guitar tone was abysmal to say the least. What we expect from the Misfits is something that equals a chainsaw and what was received was far less. I might venture to give this more of an annoyed lawnmower status. The mix is fair if not a bit monotonous. That could also (and probably is) be the song writing. The drums are fair as well, but could have used some more kick. I’m sure for the money Misfits™ Records pumped into this recording the engineer could have done a bit more. Keep in mind that I’m listening to this through studio monitors so I am getting a dynamic mix that is slightly different than a common stereo. Which leads me to Jerry Only’s up front and in your face vocals which come off very monotone and uninspired. Like the man is going through the motions. I do like the mix on vocal tracks. Proper amounts of reverb and depth in the music is what I usually say a competent engineer strives for. That is something good so far other than the cover art. I can only hope I find more like this.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Project 1950 was a better album all around. There…I said it. At least with P1950 the songs were at one point good and just being butchered. I get not one ounce of the same mystery, excitement, and fire I would from any other Misfits™ release. Even “Cuts From the Crypt” (The best Graves era album I would argue), the B-side release, gave me a thrill when giving it a spin. Project 1950 evoked an emotion too. I don’t, however, like to talk about a crying rage where I beat Jerry Only action figures into small chucks of child choking plastic and then ritualistically melt them in the name of Danzig. After this album I think Bobby Steele is going to have a bit more credibility. Granted over the past several months many past associates (and band members) of the Misfits™ have been saying how much of an ego maniacal control nut Jerry has become...even Graves. Do I believe this? I don’t have to believe anything. The proof is in that everyone else is putting out well made music. I’m not a particular fan of Graves music, but I think he has talent and releases good music. I think Bobby Steele is crazier than a one legged hobo dressed as daffy duck chasing children at a petting zoo, but I also think he still puts out well made NEW music. I feel that this record is actually just a giant cry for help from Jerry Only. The man is having a late life crisis and this is the result. Let me now dive into “The Devil’s Rain”.

Track 1 - I hope you are ready for this, because I’m not. As the rain drops begin to fall I sense this will be more like a golden shower. Jerry is just teasing with the sounds of a storm. I enjoy rain. This track is not rain. The title track “The Devil’s Rain” is a mid tempo rocker with some potential, but falls short. Only’s vocals are beyond uninspiring. I can tell that I’m going to sound like a broken record all the way through this. Musically, this isn’t terrible. The guitar could use some more balls. The drum work is great and I enjoy the mix; a semi highlight to the inevitable shit storm.

Track 2 “Vivid Red” keeps the same tempo as the title track as well as Only’s limp vocal styling. Something just feels missing with this track. Thematically this would fit well with an Earth A.D. type of set list, but the vibe of the song has about as much violence as a pissed off Care Bear. The whole tune strikes me as something a band would write in the process of learning to play their instruments. This is such a backwards step in these fellow’s careers.

Track 3 The lead single from this record is called “Land of the Dead”. A track that wasn’t all that hot to begin with and totally played out by the time it even reached this record. I’m sure Jerry wrote this for another Romero movie. Actually, 99% of these songs have movie titles. It was as if the man went through his DVD collection in a lazy mans effort for inspiration. Unfortunately I don’t even have to suspect, I know, what the reason for this is. Jerry Only has a trouble past with writing songs for movies. 1 out of every 5 movies accepts those songs. Songs such as “Mar Attacks”, “Scream”, “Bruiser”, and “American Psycho” were all written for the movies of the same name. Here we find around half of the songs with this same stigma. For shame! Any director with integrity will not just put a song into his or her movie just because it has the same fucking name.

Track 4 …a new…bloody…low. A song based on a Disney movie? That’s right “The Black Hole” is the name of this song. That probably means Hollywood is going to remake this little gem. I never thought I’d see the day when the same band that birthed “Demonomania” would be cursed with a song called “The Black Hole”. I wish that black hole would take every copy of this album with it. I think hell froze over (yeah, I’ll get to that song in a minute). John Cafiero has his slimey little nubs all over this track. It would easily fit better on the next Osaka Popstar album. And for the record, that goddamned project better not happen. If I see another Osaka Popstar album while I breathe it will be too soon.

Track 5 “Twilight of the Dead”… More mid-tempo bulldrek… More Romero idle workship… Go visit track 7 Jerry…just…go! NEXT!

Track 6 This album is just getting pathetic. “Curse of the Mummies Hand” is next on the track list. Hey Jerry…try letting Dez sing more. Please?! Lyrically we have a youth monster romp. A poorly written youth monster romp. Did I mention that the tempo hasn’t changed…at all. I will say that whoever mixed the vocals has a smooth hand. A skilled hand. A non-cursed hand. I wonder what a hand job by a cursed mummies hand would be like? Then again, that may be a bit to X-rated for Jerry’s family friendly Misfits. Family friendly punk…for fucks sake. Johnny Thunders has turned into a damned dynamo in his grave over this farce.

Track 7 “Cold In Hell” is what happens when the Misfits™ take over the weather channel. Inspiration from the Doppler Radar is not how to write a song, Jerry. This song is so forgettable I don’t even know what it is/was/will be about. It’s the same tempo. You know what Doyle’s guitar tone was respectable. You could even understand what the beast was playing. Doyle’s tone is a damned chainsaw. Dez’s tone is equal to a hedge trimmer. Dez is a good guitarist, I mean no blatant disrespect. However, his style does not fit in this band. And just like the Rolling Stones, he needs to retire. Jerry Only vocal update, it will be partly cloudy with a strong chance of suck.

Track 8 Next is a song about aliens called “Unexplained”. I’ve heard this song before. It sounds like…like…EVERY OTHER SONG ON THE ALBUM! Minus the decent guitar solo by Dez this song is trash. Little things, such as a whip lash guitar solo, help. Moments like this make me hard pressed to even bat an eye at this band anymore. I must be morbid (more than normal) to even keep paying attention. Hell, the direction of this record is unexplained. That should be the name of the album.

Track 9 No…just…NO! Ok…I’m named after a character from Dark Shadows (true story). I know Jerry wrote this trying to get the song placed in Tim Burton’s atrocity of a remake. For one, this song audio dynamic feels as if it were trying to rip off the German horror punk band “The Other”. Might I add, Jerry Only and camp are doing a very poor job at this emulation. I could write an entire album about this show and never use the damned name as a song title. Get some proper inspiration you yeasty yak boil! Children in the single digit range a more inspired artwork than this album.

Track 10 Here we come to the best song on the whole record. Wait for it…wait for it…”Father”! If this isn’t some sad dig at Glenn Danzig I don’t know what is. You could also call this a silent cry for acceptance. Both songs are even in the key of B. Glenn’s “Mother” is about the PMRC bullshit back in the late 80’s. His giant hit that got him a ton of money. Not his greatest song, true, but not terribly bad either. Jerry Only take the twilight road and sings about a vampire siring a youngling. Catchy enough, but one mediocre song isn’t enough to save this brown stain of disappointment. Track 11 HOLY FUCKING CHRIST THE KONQUORER!!! The Tempo did something different. I may faint. Semi-catchy riffs are throughout this song. Though, again we find a poorly written and obscenely weak vocal line. “Jack the Ripper” is doing less ripping and more floundering. For a Misfits song this track has far too much of a solo at the end. One of the defining points of punk would be the lack/simplicity of the guitar work. Jerry’s quest to become Kiss may just be one step closer. Looking back at the Gorgeous Frankenstein record, I’d rather be listening to that.

Track 12 My Hydrosenses are tingling! Dez takes lead vocals on the track “Monkey’s Claw”. This is a mid-tempo rocker with a mildly pleasing vocal line. This is definitely not an “A” list song, but fair enough. I’d put this in the top five songs on the record. The classic 1950’s feel is a bit more prominent within the “Monkey’s Paw”.

Track 13 The magic of this song, called “Where Do They Go”, is in the chorus. Unfortunately, the whole song would fit better in a musical, such as “Grease”. I don’t really get a horror vibe at all from this. I believe this is a Dez track as well. The tempo follows the previous track as well. I’m by no means amused with this song. Actually, I’m a bit more confused than anything.

Track 14 Son of a bitch! This must be the Dez section of the record. This is the third track in a row with the same mid-tempo lull, entitled “Sleepwalkin”. Dez keeps telling me to wake up…I only wish I could. Maybe I could get out of this nightmare review. The record is dragging worse than zombie with a broken leg caught under a wrecked car. Dez writes some very subtle songs in the horror genre. They strike me more as his every day routine…euphemism?

Track 15 Well, “Ghost of Frankenstein” starts with some interesting violin sample and leads right back in standard issue new school Misfits drivel. Thematically, this song is a bit more on par with what I would expect. The tempo is back to being…oh wait…the tempo hasn’t changed (save one song). I have to say that I’m enjoying the lyrics. If they were sung by a competent front man I might enjoy this song more.

Track 16 Finally! The last track on this album is here. I have been in bands that were shorter lived than this album took to get through. The track is called “Death Ray” and if you made it this far without skipping through any tracks the effect will be the same as immolation. Other than the nice punk drum beat and repetitive guitar work this is a very forgettable track. Though, the song is one of the best on the record…which speaks volumes about the total work. This being the last song on the album, we have a feeble closer. If you look at American Psycho and Famous Monsters, both albums had strong closing songs. However, with the Devil’s Rain finds a closer that trails off into monotonous ray gun sounds. The end of this record shows the lack of artistic direction this band mustered.

Jerry Only pay attention! I’m speaking to you as a representative of the Fiends. If you were hoping to gain credibility by putting an album out showing you didn’t need Glenn, Graves, Chud, or Doyle, you have failed. It is painfully obvious who the proper talent was and still is. This record should have been released within 6 months to a year of Graves leaving the band. Your window was missed. The honed talent needed to properly craft a Misfits record isn’t there. Not to mention, eleven years later we finally get new music. During the past decade you have toured a sub-par circus which is ghost of its former self around the world in the guise and name of the Fiend Club; this being a terrible weight to place on the backs of true and proper Fiends. Needless to say, with the absurd wait for new music, lack luster live shows, and subsequent new record the proverbial back of the Legacy has been broken. Jerry…let the Legacy go. I can tell that you will not. I’m sure you and Dez will put out a new record a bit more quickly this time. The true Fiends of the world will hide their Misfits paraphernalia because of the shame of these fresh records. You see, Jerry! You are making Fiends embarrassed to listen to your music (obviously not the old material).

My thoughts on the “Devil’s Rain” are grim. The album suffers from a lack of creativity. No one in this band is maladjusted enough to write a decent punk rock album. The members of this band are lacking hellfire in their bellies. This is nothing but a marketing tool to Jerry. He is and always will be a business man first and a musician second. Stand out tracks are “Father”, “Ghost of Frankenstein”, “Monkey’s Claw”, and “Death Ray” (a weak ending). Don’t buy this album unless you have a coupon or two. For example…go buy the new Danzig Cover’s album when it drops. The first single has more of a Misfits feel than anything Jerry has EVER done. So take my advice and go buy a better album by a band that still has a passionate artistic fire. Don’t encourage Jerry Only’s mid life crisis.

Listen to 3 live songs off this atrocity.

THE BOOK OF POO #11 - Michale Graves | Jamse Only

Ain't no party like a fRiend club party cuz a fRiend club party don't STOP! Wow with the tremendous response i've been getting from people to join the fRiend club its been crazy around here! Keep sending in those request forms fRiends! Anywho, its been awhile since the historical Book of Poo 10 and its time to move on to the second 10 issues for this year. So that we can bring you another 25 years of the Book of Poo! Anywho, on with the Book. I know many of you have been wondering what Graves was up to since he left the Misfits, and so i decided to pay him a little visit.

James Only: What have you been up to since your departure from the Misfits?

Graves: I forgot..I'm sure it was cool, though.

James Only: It involved music of course?

Graves: Yeah...I like Music...music's good...

James Only: So i understand you like Nirvana?

Graves: yeah, they were great but....

James Only: Its 2001 and you kinda realize that Kurt's just not coming back..?

Graves: ........yeah....something like that...

James Only: So are you a religious man?

Graves: I'm a naturalist. I traded in my bible for a little black cat...

James Only: or more like a big black HAT! What's with that thing anyway?

Graves: i'm a scarecrow man....

James Only: is that right.. ::graves interrupts::

Graves: I'M A SCARECROOOOOOOWWWWWW MAAAAAAANNNNN

James Only: Moving along...

James Only: Soo you had a part in the 25th Anniversary Shows. How was that?

Graves: It was like any other Misfits show, only the 25 times more intense, and 25 times more everything else...

James Only: Rock on...

Graves: But i'd really like 25 more shrooms on my pizza...

James Only: You like mushroom pizza eh?

Graves: yeah.....shrooms....kinda like Super Mario, he eats shrooms and look at him...

James Only: Yeah, i mean after all, he's a world famous fictional mascot for Nintendo of America!

Graves: and he eats shrooms.....!!!

James Only: Yeah....but he's uh....NOT REAL!!!

Graves: He's pretty real dude....

James Only: Nothing against the Godfather of the 8-bit!! You see where i'm coming from right?

Graves: Yeah....the MUSHROOM KINGDOM!!! ::Graves gets up and sings Scarecrow Man again::

James Only: So is it tough not being in the Misfits anymore?

Graves: Well...I WAS crying on Saturday Night....

James Only: Shameless Misfits Pun?

Graves: Its all about the music man, the music!

James Only: Gotcha...So how long will it be to see you singing with the Fits again?

Graves: Who?

James Only: The MISFITS.....!!!

Graves: Oh....probably.....ONE MILLION YEARS B.C.!!!! ONE MILLIONNNNNN YEAAAAAARRRRS BC!!!!!!!

James Only: I'll bet! Anywho, if you could sum up your life after the Misfits in a few words what would they be?

Graves: LIVING HELLL!! WHOAH OH OH OH LIVING HEEELLLLLL!!!

James Only: That bad, huh?

Graves: I JUST CAN'T GO ONNNN IN THIS LIVING HELL!

James Only: Me either, man...Well, I'd better get going

Graves: Yeah i'm waiting on that pizza i ordered...

James Only: You ordered a pizza?

Graves: Yeah, and it has SHROOMS!!!

So what did we learn in this issue? Well, we learned that life is like a pizzeria; full of choices and some like shrooms and some don't!

---

The Book of Poo and related sources are mine ALL MINE DAMMIT!! If you,for some strange reason don't like any of this, you can go jump off a bridge at your own discretion!

James Only and the Book of Poo staff are not responsible for people who jump off a bridge at their own discretion, nor do they condone any of the previously stated. Unless of course you have a bungee cord...

THE BOOK OF POO #10 - CutnPasteKid (Who?!?!) | James Only

Greetings Citizens of all ages. Its been quite a joy ride with the ever growing popularity of The Book of Poo but we've finally made it to the 10th issue! Whoop Dee Fuckin Doo, i know....the excitement is too much to bare, but just try to contain yourself. Anywho here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for...the long awaited interview with the nay sayer of all nay sayers, the Cut and Paste Kid himself!!

Due to having to secure the safety of our guest, I had to go out in the middle o' the fuckin desert at 12 o' Clock (don't be late!) in this little shack surrounded and filled with tons and tons of Misfits memorabilia, you'd think he stole it all!!

CutnPasteKid: What's the password?

JamesOnly: New England Clam Chowder

CutnPasteKid: Is that the red or the white?

JamesOnly: the red?

::the door opens and i go sit down at a table::

James Only: So lets get down to horror business...

CutnPasteKid: okay

JamesOnly: Damn you sure have ahelluva lot of misfits stuff..where'd you get it all?

CutnPasteKid: Umm.....uhhh Chud gave it to me...

JamesOnly: I'll bet he did...damn that autographed evilive cd cover looks just like mine! Cool!

CutnPasteKid: Yeah...haha....how about that?

JamesOnly: I dunno, how about that? I hear you're the fastest cut n paster in the Wild Wild West?

CutnPasteKid: Yep i'm the best there is at what i do

JamesOnly: Which is cut and/or paste...

CutnPasteKid: I prefer to think of it as informing the fiends with firsthand news exclusive from the one and only CutnPasteKid!! (Shameless Self Promotion)

JamesOnly: I prefer to think of it as copyright infringement. Take him away boys!

CutnPasteKid: COPS?! JERRY?! WHERE?!?!

JamesOnly: Relax dude, I was just joking

CutnPasteKid: Don't do that...

::looking around nervously::

JamesOnly: So would you like to tell the fiends what you've done to contribute to the fRiend community?

CutnPasteKid: I have spent lots of time and money promoting the fits since 96 and was a fan since 85!!!

JamesOnly: Alot of people can say they've met Jerry Only, but how does it feel to know he wants to punch your teeth down your fucking throat?

CutnPasteKid: Just a short one this time, I just got back from the dentist so I am not feeling my usualy evil self.

JamesOnly: So you HAVE met with Jerry recently?

CutnPasteKid: Um....yeah i got to uh...hang out when they recorded Famous Monsters....

JamesOnly: Wha?! Moving Along... Since you supposedly supported the misfits since 96 until now you gotta feel like a dunce!! I mean you spent lots of time and money!

CutnPasteKid: I've been living a lie... I have seen the truth as well as having it told to me by past and present band members.

JamesOnly: But you still gotta feel like a dunce!

CutnPasteKid: Well...

JamesOnly: Anyways! So, you're officially not a fRiend anymore?

CutnPasteKid: No i'm not...

JamesOnly: BUT LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF!! MAN YOU GOTTA FEEL LIKE A DUNCE!!

CutnPasteKid: Well...

JamesOnly: Not only do you have rare posters records and mountains of bootlegs. Shit you even got an Evilive CD cover that looks just like mine! Wait a minute....that is mine!

CutnPasteKid: No...no its not!

::As CutnPasteKid tries to deny it, there is a knock knock knocking at the chamber door::

JerryOnly: THERE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE PRICK!

CutnPasteKid: AHHH!!!!!!!

::grabs a handful of misfits stuff and jets the fuck out::

JamesOnly: Uhh....damn....umm...

JerryOnly: Blow out the candles and close the lid, this one is DEAD!!

Scuz the Narrator: And the fRiend club is safe once more thanks to Jerry Only!

Jerry Only: That's one UnFiend we'll have to worry about. Well what did we learn this issue?

JamesOnly: We learned that stealing is wrong and you'll eventually get caught, so just know that crime doesn't pay.

JerryOnly: And knowing is half the battle....

---

The Book of Poo and related sources are copyrights of James Only and...aww hell...you know the rest!!

THE BOOK OF POO #9 - Robo | James Only

Greetings fRiends! Its been a long time coming. Who knows when the last Book of Poo came out? (really? Who does?) Well i figured there'd be no better time to bring back the Book of Poo than now, just in time for the misfits 25th!! Its almost as if it was planned... WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! (shameless marketing ploy)

Well i was very fortunate to get ahold of a Special guest... Robo (Misfits/Black Flag). Yes as in Misfits Robo, as in Earth A.D. Robo, as in Black Flag Robo, as in drummer Robo, as in 35 dollars and a six pack to my name, Robo! (aww hell, you know who i'm talking about now...)

James Only: ROBO!

Robo: Yeah?

James Only: How ya been?

Robo: I've been everywhere...

James Only: right...

James Only: so...how did you guys come up with 138?

Robo: Well you see the year, 83, when the band broke up. You take 221 then subtract 83 and you get 138. That's how much money we had when the band broke up.

James Only: Never heard that one before....

James Only: what about Bobby Steele?

Robo: Who's Bobby Steele? :;looks lost::

James Only: umm...next question...

James Only: What was your favorite misfits release?

Robo: What was yours?

James Only: Earth AD, as in queen wasp, as in devilock as in Robo as in doyle, jerry and glenn too.

Robo: How ironic, i appeared on those recordings...

James Only: Really?! I figured it was some other guy named Robo...

Robo: Yeah...

James Only: Yeah, Jerry signed my Earth A.D. cd.

Robo: CD? The hell?

James Only: Um...yeah...

James Only:ANYWHO, so are you gonna stay with the misfits after the tour?

Robo: What tour?

James Only: Right...

Robo: I'll stay in the band if Jerry wants me to.

James Only: What if he tells you to kiss his strawberry shortcake?

Robo: Um...

James Only: You probably would huh?

Robo: Well Jerry's a nice guy...

James Only: If your friend told you to jump off a bridge, say....Jerry, would you? Or how about taking a long walk off a short pier?!

Robo: Well.... (James Interrupts)

James Only: See Robo, you're too nice

Robo: Am i now?

James Only: Sure why not

Robo: I've been out of the circle for quite some time...

James Only: Oh yeah?

Robo: Yep...

James Only: So when can we expect some pictures of you and the guys on misfits.com?

Robo: What's a misfits.com?

James Only: Dear God...uhh...moving along...

Robo: Misfits.com? ::whispers to self::

James Only: its in this magical place called the *internet*...

Robo: the internet you say?

James Only: The internet, i say

James Only: Well i hate to cut this short but uh...i DO believe you're supposed to be playing with the misfits pretty soon...

Robo: I am?

James Only: Yeah, so you'd better hurry up and high tail your ass to NJ!

Robo: Okay, later!! ::runs out the door past taxis and the bus station::

James Only: Umm.... ::shakes head::

Well that was interesting to say the least... One might ask what is the moral of this little story here? Well that being...when in doubt (or moving to South America and plan to make a return trip to the states), make sure to stop by your public library.

They have such wonderful things as NEWSPAPERS listing CURRENT EVENTS and they even have that magical place we like to call "THE INTERNET". BE INFORMED!! Such revelations, i tell you...

Are you hep to the jive? Well now that the Book of Poo has returned for its second year. I gotta renew the memberships, weed out the no good email addys; get new ones. You'll soon be able to make all your smart ass comments you want when i get the new Board of Poo up and running. I will also try to archive all the old issues and make a web page on the Book of Poo to make it more available.

---

LEGAL STUFF:The Book of Poo and related sources are registered trademarks of James Only and James Only, Only (shameless self promotion) so if you don't like it you can blow it out yer poop schute! The Book of Poo is done soley (Only) for entertainment purposes, so I don't care who you are, make me mad and get thrown helluva far!

THE BOOK OF POO #8 - Skull 36 (in the hot seat) | James Only

Greetings poo believers!! (as opposed to true believers?)

It has been an eventful year to say the least and how could we forget The fiend, the legend,the skull. I just knew I had to catch an interview with this guy. So after 1 letter, 3 phone calls and 8 voicemails later, I finally caught up with the man himself,Skull36.(To Protect The Identity Of This Person I Had To Change The Name)

James Only: Ladies and Gentlemen, Skull36!

Skull36: Hello

James Only: So how's life?

Skull36: Its really good,y'know? Its not easy being me.

James Only: Is that so? ::making coffee::

Skull36: Yeah

James Only: Well how did it all happen? ::pouring cup o' joe::

Skull36: It all started back in March right? There was all this shit going on and I couldn't take it anymore.

James Only: Yeah... ::sipping coffee::

Skull36: Something had to be done

James Only: Right.... ::getting sleepy::

Skull36: Things aren't going too well in WCW with the misfits and Bobby Steele decided to make things worse...

James Only: Bobby Steele...

Skull36: Y'know? The OTHER Guy? Well he starts talking shit and badmouthing jerry right?

James Only: uh huh... *yawn*

----TWO HOURS LATER----

Skull36: Well i was pissed at all this shit going on and stuck up for Jerry right? And I just told Bobby to shut the fuck up....and well the rest is just history...

James Only: Well Hello Mr.Fancy Pants...

Skull36: Its really great, y'know? All the attention from the Fiends ever since Jerry hand picked ME from all the Fiends in the world and used MY post......

James Only: Lets roll out the red carpet Mister Misfits.Com.... ::trying to stay awake for dear life::

Skull36: Well Yeah...I stuck up for Jerry and BOOM roll out the carpet mister misfits.com.

::cellphone rings::

Skull36: I must be going now.

James Only: ZZZZZZZZZ ::out::

Well that's it for the Book O' Poo 8,fRiends!! What did we learn in this issue? We learned that its one green helluva job to be a celebrity fiend. We also learned that sleep is very essential, especially while interviewing someone.

Jiggle the handle,close the lid, this one is gone...

---

LEGAL STUFF:The Book of Poo and related sources are registered trademarks of James Only and James Only, only (no pun intended) so if you don't like it you can take a long walk off a short pier! The Book of Poo is done soley for entertainment purposes, so if you decide you wanna get all pissy, you can cram it with walnuts,ugly!

THE BOOK OF POO #7 - The Infamous Bob Barnnett | James Only

Hey there fRiends! Back because you voted for it (either that or you just can't get rid of me) here is the Book of Poo# 7!!! Here's the story folks, so I'm on my way to a show to meet up with Glenn Danzig for an interview. That's right fRiends the long awaited interview with Glenn Danzig. So after a few hours of driving and bags of Gummi Bears later, we get lost and we're at this big ass Sheep Convention. So okay we're stuck with no way to interview Glenn and we see none other than Vampiro's boss, Bob Barnett. I caught up with Mr.Barnett and here's what he had to say...

James Only: Hey there, I know you from somewhere!

Mr.Barnett: No you don't, I've never seen you before... ::looks nervous::

James Only: OH I KNOW,YOU'RE BOB BARNETT, VAMPIRO'S MANAGER!!

Mr.Barnett: Yeah...okay you got me...what do you want?

James Only: Just a little of your time, I'm James Only, I'm an interviewer

Mr.Barnett: Oh another one of Jerry's kids without a real name or address. Okay but make it quick, I'm putting alot of money on that prized sheep over there! ::Points to prized sheep::

James Only: Uhh...we'll not get into that...

James Only: So, I hear Vampiro's starting to wear clown makeup now...

Mr.Barnett: That's it, I'm going to go post on Negguy's Board!!

James Only: But...I just asked about the makeup...

Mr.Barnett: I see my name or Vamp's here-expect visitors. Stick to Misfits stuff-you'll have a clean board. Capiche?

James Only: The hell are you talking about?! This is an interview!

Mr.Barnett: Do you even know what its about?

James Only: Yeah...

Mr.Barnett: SHEEP MAN, SHEEP!! ::points at prized sheep again::

James Only: right....

James Only: Y'know, I heard Vampiro lost the lawsuit and THAT'S why he went to clown makeup...

Mr.Barnett: There was no legal action by Homonly.He changed it bc he was recording with ICP. And next week he's changing it again.

James Only: Is that a fact?

Mr.Barnett: Do I like sheep?

James Only: Uhh....no comment...moving along...

Mr.Barnett: Yep that sheep is gonna win..I'm gonna be rich!!

James Only: yeah..... right....

James Only: Rolling in the dough eh?

Mr.Barnett: He getting more $ from ICP than the combined salaries the 3 other Fits are getting paid by Homonly. No career-right. He's on TV every week-and has signings booked throughout the summer.

James Only: The Green Hell are you rambling about?!

James Only: So what would you say about the guy who manages Vampiro?

Mr.Barnett: Typical Retard

James Only: Is that so?

Mr.Barnett: Yeah, isn't my sheep great or what? ::all cheery::

James Only: So anything you'd like to say about the fRiends?

Mr.Barnett: Oh No-I'm Scared-Homonly's fans will call my house!

James Only: On no I'm scared of thirteen year olds in clown makeup!

Mr.Barnett: You post shit-expect to get it thrown back in your face!!

James Only: Yeah.. (The Hell's he rambling about now?!)

Mr.Barnett: Jerry didn't sue anybody. Jerry was tossed out of WCW-he didn't try to keep out of wrestling!

James Only: Would you quote that?

Mr.Barnett: Do I like Clowns?

James Only: Moving along...

Mr.Barnett: In fact Homonly has a ring at his house.My pleasure educating the less fortunate.

James Only: So YOU'RE the one schooling those kids!!

Mr.Barnett: What a surprise.

James Only: What?

Mr.Barnett: MY SHEEP LOST!! DAMMIT! Damn...retards.... ::starts twitching::

James Only: Well it was nice talking to you,Mr.Barnett, now I'm gonna go now....bye!!

Mr.Barnett: Hey where are you going?! I thought we were posting!?

James Only: LATER!! ::runs to poo crew van and takes off::

Mr.Barnett: I'LL GET YOU, HOMONLY, AND YOUR LITTLE fRiends TOO!!! Mo: I thought we'd never get rid of him...

James Only: Yeah I know....

Okay, so what did we learn today fRiends? That crime doesn't pay and neither does betting on prized sheep!!

Jiggle the handle,close the lid, this one is gone...

---

LEGAL STUFF: The Book of Poo and related sources are registered trademarks of James Only and James Only, only (no pun intended) so if you don't like it you can take a long walk off a short pier, jerkface! The Book of Poo is done soley for entertainment purposes, so you can kiss my strawberry shortcake!!

THE BOOK OF POO #6 - Mo The Great | James Only

Mo the Great

Hey there Poo fRiends! I know, Its been awhile since a book was to come out. I was looking around and in the deep dark corner of the Poo Vault,I found a very rare discussion with Mo the Great and Doyle. I guess you could say that this conversation started it all with Kryst the Conqueror. This is the Book of Poo 6!!!

Jerry: (Talking very fast) Hey bro, listen up! I Got this great idea for a new band, since that asshole Glenn stole our name! Us in furry boots, and viking helmets, and we take on all the evil in the world, and my name is gonna be Mo the Great right?, and you can be Doyle and.........

Doyle: (interrupting) Do I get to play the guitar?

Jerry: Yeah man it will be cool! And theres these Mega-mites that are attacking, and there are no swear words on the album because that would be bad and we're good guys and theres this guy named Kryst right?.....

Doyle:(Interrupting Jerry) But I get to play guitar.....

Jerry : Yeah!, and we conqeur all these places! And we are superheroes, but not ordinary super heroes y'know? We'll be futuristic Vikings and like anti-Danzig guys ,and we fight evil, and....

Doyle:(Interrupting Jerry)When do I get to play guitar?

Jerry: Ya gotta understand where the message is coming from , man ..the Mega-mites, they march and stuff right? and you got a sword, and....

Doyle:(Pulls out Annihilator) and I get to wheel it right?

Jerry: Hey slow down bro! Okay, so we're wheeling our swords for the lord, right? and we got furry boots and helmets right?

Doyle:(Starts Tuning Up) BIG helmets?

Jerry: YEAH! Then we'll have these swords that we wheel right?

Doyle: BIG swords?

Jerry: YEAH!! Then Kryst will be some singer guy that's never done a metal band before right...

Doyle: Cool, so what do we do about our hair?

Jerry: I was just getting to that!!! We'll just be extra clever and call them "Godlylocks", don't worry, nobody'll notice.

Doyle: Soo...these Mega Mites what do they do?

Jerry: They March all over the place, weren't you paying attention before? Ok so then we'll get this drummer guy named Murph that nobody's ever heard of

Doyle: Who's Murph?

Jerry: SEE WHAT I TELL YA? ::really enthusiastic::

Jerry: OH YEAH!!! AND THERE'S THIS THING WE USE ITS CALLED A "THUNDER THRUSTER" RIGHT?! THEN we'll call the high commander and tell him of this siege we're under.

Doyle: Ahh I see....

Jerry: I'm telling you, its gonna be great!!! BESIDES, if this doesn't work we'll just reform the Misfits,and since I know Glenn won't "walk among us", then we'll just get some regular kid who's never heard of the Misfits and get him to sing. So not only do we piss Glenn off, but we'll also go on some big ass wrestling show and put out two brand new albums..piss Glenn off..and...

Doyle:Do I get to play guitar?

Jerry: Yeah of course....You can be Doyle BUT THIS TIME, you can add some long ass title like WOLFGANG VON FRANKENSTEIN on to the end of it....and I'll just change my name back to Jerry Only...

Doyle: ::Turns Up Amp and starts to play::

***THE END***

Well there you have it fRiends! The whole story of how Kryst the Conqueror came to be!!! So keep your eyes on the mailbox, you just never know when the ol' Book o' Poo might pop up. Close the lid,jiggle the handle, this one is gone.

---

The Book of Poo is a trademark of James Only, so if you don't know that by now you need a ninja kick to the head, you spinach chin!!

I'd like to thank Lexx and Mo the Not So Great for their help on this issue and I'd also like to thank all the people who've subscribed and continue to support the Book of Poo.

THE BOOK OF POO #5 - The Legend of Negguy | James Only

Well Well with all of the talk about the Misfits being on the ever so popular Negguys Misfits MessageBoard. I figured I'd see if I could get ahold of the man himself, Negguy. I was lucky,with his tough schedule and all to get an interview on one condition... that I buy him lunch. So we met up at Subway (Official Food Of James Only and the Book of Poo) and here's what he had to say.

JamesOnly: Soo how does it feel to be a celebrity fiend?

negguy: FUCK VAMPIRO

JamesOnly: I mean with yours being the most popular messageboard and all, you gotta feel kinda rockstar

negguy: MISFITS RULE!! FUCK VAMPIRO!!

JamesOnly: I see

JamesOnly: So, did your momma name you Negguy?

negguy: NO PETER STEELE DID.....OH YAH....FUCK VAMPIRO

JamesOnly: Uhuh

JamesOnly: What's your favorite Misfits song?

negguy: HUNTING HUMANS...LYRICS ARE WICKED

JamesOnly: Are You Serious?

negguy: YAH

JamesOnly: hahahahahahaha

negguy: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

JamesOnly: I'd have to say Earth A.D.,cuz I'm a cool fiend who can't give credit to the New Misfits cuz That's not the cool thing to do.

negguy: YOU CAN HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH BUT IT'LL COST YOU $20 PLUS POSTAGE

JamesOnly: Your Autograph?

negguy: JOHN HANDCOCK

JamesOnly: haha

negguy: ICP ARE FUCK-WADS

JamesOnly: Would you quote that?

negguy: SO WHEN DOES THE INTERVIEW START?

JamesOnly: I dunno. Good Question

::Before James Only Can ask the next question::

negguy: FUCK VAMPIRO

JamesOnly: I see....

JamesOnly: Soo, what made you think up the message board?

negguy: I WAS "BOARD"

negguy: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

JamesOnly: Oh Really? ::not laughing::

JamesOnly: So, what did you think of the Previous Book of Poos?

negguy: GOOD STUFF...SMELLED A LITTLE THOUGH

JamesOnly: Yeah, well...

negguy: AS JERRY SAYS,"WHAT CAN YOU DO?"

JamesOnly: As James Only Says "Not a damn thing"

JamesOnly: So, how's it feel to be Negguy? King of all Misfits Message Boards?

negguy: WE WENT OVER THAT ALREADY

JamesOnly: So, what are you trying to say?

negguy: DOH!!

JamesOnly: Moving Along

negguy: So have you spoken to Jerry at Subway lately?

JamesOnly: Nah Man, I saw him again but him and Doyle high tailed it outta there as soon as they saw me come in the door.

negguy: OH YAH...THIS IS ABOUT ME...NOT JERRY...SORRY JERRY

JamesOnly: Describe the Misfits in 5 words or less

negguy: FUCKIN GODS OF HORROR PUNK!!!

JamesOnly: Rockem Sockem

JamesOnly: Spicy Italian or Roasted Chicken?

negguy: BLT

JamesOnly: I knew you'd say that

negguy: SOMETIMES I WAIT TILL THEY HAVE THE BACON AND LETTUCE ON IT AND THEN TELL THEM TO HOLD THE BACON LETTUCE AND TOMATO!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

JamesOnly: Right.... ::hiding embarrassment::

JamesOnly: Soo is there any advice or words of wisdom that you'd like to say to other fiends out there who look up to you and admire you?

negguy: Be strong fiends, for your strength gives us strength and together we make the Misfits something worth fighting for.

JamesOnly: ::thinks:: (Where have i heard that before? Hmm..)

negguy: Well,James, being Only (no pun intended) 3 foot 7...everyone looks down on me

JamesOnly: I see

JamesOnly: Is that a fact?

negguy: YAH...Some days me arse drags on the ground

JamesOnly: Would you quote that?

negguy: No...Jerry Didn't want me to tell anyone about it

JamesOnly: Is THAT a fact?

negguy: IF IT'S IN THE BOOK OF POO...THEN I GUESS NOT.HAHAHA!!

JamesOnly: ::looks lost:: WHA?? ::not laughing::

JamesOnly: Well how is your site coming along? I mean its gotta be tough with such competitors such as the Cut n Paste Kid, and of course the Misfits Bible of Bullshit?

negguy: Cut N Past Kid BLOWS GOATS FOR QUARTERS!!!...STILL OWES ME THREE VIDEOS FROM 2 YEARS AGO

JamesOnly: Good Pointe, Shit,Who needs Elvis when you got Space Ghost Right?

negguy: YOU SAID IT....AND THEN THERE'S HE-MAN HAHAHAHAHA!!!

JamesOnly: Uhhh....right.... ::not laughing:: ::getting embarassed::

JamesOnly: Soo, what do you think of Bobby Boy Steele?

negguy: COOL GUY...I don't bother with personal issues and all the arguments and bickering,though.

JamesOnly: Yeah me either...YOU HATE FILLED BIGGOT, TRYING TO MOCK MY DISABILITY!!!

negguy: I don't have time anyways with my busy schedule, y'know autographs and all.

JamesOnly: Yeah its gotta be tough being Negguy

negguy: YAH

JamesOnly: King of the Misfits Boards

negguy: DO I DETECT SOME JEALOUSY?

JamesOnly: But of course not.... >=|

::Evil,Jealous Look::

negguy: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD?

JamesOnly: I would like that, I deserve it and all...

negguy: SO BE IT!! I DUB YOU VICE PRESIDENT!!!

JamesOnly: Rockem Sockem!

JamesOnly: Vice President James Only, Its Got a nice ring to it.

negguy: YAH,THEN WE CAN CALL YOU, JAMESGUY HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

JamesOnly: Oh God...

JamesOnly: American Nightmare or Spook City USA?

JamesOnly: ::waiting for response::

negguy: A.N.

JamesOnly: I'd like to buy a vowel

negguy: "O"

JamesOnly: You got me, I'm stumped

negguy: American Nightmare

JamesOnly: Is there anything you'd like to comment on?

negguy: YAH...YOUR BOOK IS COOL

JamesOnly: Its not "Cruel"? Ah Hah Hah Hah

::gameshow host laugh::

negguy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

negguy: SORRY

JamesOnly: Moving along

JamesOnly: What do you think is the number one reason that the Misfits haven't written a song about Star Wars yet?

negguy: I THINK CHEWBACA AND VAMPIRO HAVE SOMETHING GOING

negguy: They wouldn't like that

JamesOnly: Y'know, I thought that too...weird

JamesOnly: Mr. Negguy, is that your final answer?

negguy: FINAL ANSWER

JamesOnly: I'm sorry but that's...

JamesOnly: Incorrect!!!

negguy: DAMN

JamesOnly: The correct or best answer is "They're Trekkies,James, Trekkies"

negguy: Oh well...I'll just walk away with $32,000

JamesOnly: Ok, you do that

JamesOnly: Since we got extra time let's play Battleship.

negguy: OK..LET'S PLAY

JamesOnly: One ship,A-F,1-10

JamesOnly: You first, Mr.Messageboard Guy

negguy: B4

JamesOnly: Miss

JamesOnly: G6

negguy: DAMN!!! YOU SUNK IT!!!....IT ALREADY HAD ONE HIT ON IT!!!

JamesOnly: HA-HA!! I'M THE KING!!!!

JamesOnly: The U.S.S. Misfits Went Awol On Yo Azz!!

negguy: C4

JamesOnly: Its Game Over, Negguy, you can't try to find my ship anymore..

negguy: DAMN...BIZATCH!!

negguy: OOPS...DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD??

JamesOnly: I dunno

JamesOnly: Soo, how "convenient" that your "Chat-room" comes on the same time as WCW... ::Looks at Negguy Suspiciously::

negguy: A MAILING JUST WENT OUT TELLING EVERYFIEND WEDNESDAYS INSTEAD...

JamesOnly: Oh... ::trying to play it off:;

negguy: I was trying to get fiends away from Vampqueero

JamesOnly: I KNEW IT!!!

...To Be Continued

Well fRiends this is Part 1 in Negguy's two part Book of Poo "Official Statement". So keep your eyes on your mailbox for the Book of Poo #6 for the conclusion!!!

---

Legal Stuff: The Book of Poo is a copyrighted trademark of James Only. So all you Spinach Chins who try to copy me and can't do a good job need to try just a little bit harder! The Book of Poo is done soley for Entertainment Purposes and for James Only's amusement,or course. Be on the lookout for the Book of Poo #6!!! Also,keep checkin up for any new announcements!!

THE BOOK OF POO #3 - Vampiro - | James Only

---

Well Well Fiends, Book Number 3, The Book of Poo is starting to become a household name!!! (Okay..maybe not..)Wow, I've recieved a TON of email from people wanting to be added to the Book of Poo mailing list! Crazy, I know, but I'm dedicated to Jerry Only's "fiends"!! (Don't wanna get sued there) ;)
Here's the story. Y'know with all these damn rumors floating around and all this bickering with VampQueero and Bobby Steele slammin' Jerry with insults. I thought I'd get a piece of the action and talk to Vampiro himself. There was a Milli Vanilli Fan Club Meeting and I'll be damned if ol Vampiro wasn't there. So I went and had a conversation with him, but he wouldn't talk to me unless I played a game of Bingo with him. So, I got on my bingo shirt and kicked some arse!!
James Only: Soo, you're a Bingo player huh?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: What?! Hot Damn! I didn't even get to that yet! Harsh words, Mr.Hodgkinson. Do you kiss your girlfriend with that same mouth?
Vampiro: My wife was getting pissed at me.
James Only: I bet.
Vampiro: I was begging WCW to let me use the music and let's incorporate the image, rock n roll and wrestling, cause we all look the same.
James Only: Which is why you can't come up with your own make-up design?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: I see...
Vampiro: So they were supposed to originally come in as musicians and play live when I went to the ring, but Jerry had to open his mouth and he just wanted to take over the wrestling world.
James Only: Is that a fact?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: Right....
Vampiro: He just started to become such a pain in the ass, it was affecting my
work. James Only: Which is why you can't wrestle?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only
James Only: Soo anything you'd like to say about Jerry Only?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only
James Only: Well..besides that!!
Vampiro: He's a groupie. So f*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: MOVING ALONG!!!
James Only: Do you feel that you haven't been treated fairly?
Vampiro: I was never given a chance to say my side of the story with him and it's being portrayed like I broke up the Misfits or something like that.
James Only: Didn't you?
James Only: Which says what about your statement?
Vampiro: It's the farthest from the truth.
James Only: Soo, did you try to do anything?
Vampiro: I tried for three years to get them in here, to get them exposure.
James Only: Wow...To Get THEM Exposure Huh?
Vampiro: To introduce them to the majority of the youth in the USA to one of the frontier punk rock bands.
James Only: Ohh, you mean to your "Fiends"?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only
James Only: Well you've been pretty in on the Misfits? Can't you tell us anything?
Vampiro: I can't speak because it's a legal matter now about the band.
James Only: Well you've been talking about it for the last few minutes doing this interview with me, Boy Genious!
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only
James Only: ::Thinking:: (Man, I should've cancelled this interview)
Vampiro: There's a song by the Rolling Stones called Starf*cker and that's pretty much what Jerry is.
James Only: No, he's a BASS GUITARIST!! Oh yeah you're a "true fiend" , you don't get anymore punk rock than the Rolling Stones! ::sarcasm ago go::
James Only: So how do you think Jerry gets out of the shows?
Vampiro: If he can get ahead by stepping on anybody near to him
James Only: Well those Misfits shows are pretty jam packed...
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only
James Only: So what do you think about Bobby Steele?
Vampiro: If there's anybody who ever fits the word poser or flake in the world more than him, I haven't met him.
James Only: There there, that's no way to talk about someone who supports you, you Biggoted jerkface!
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: Is that all you can say?
Vampiro: He would phone my house 13, 14 times a day.
James Only: Bobby Steele uses the internet, Boy Genious!
Vampiro: Then the decision was made by WCW to terminate Jerry Only's contract, which he never had.
James Only: How in the Green Hell do you terminate a contract that never existed?!
Vampiro: He said I was obsessed with him and WCW is bullshit and he said how fake wrestling is and WCW sucked and he just turned into a baby.
James Only: Well Bobby Steele never really told me that he liked wrestling...
James Only: A baby huh? He looks normal to me...
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: Ohhh, yeah, that's right....
James Only: Well is there anything you'd like to say in closing?
Vampiro: F*ck Jerry Only. F*ck Jerry Only.
James Only: Well I'm outta here :::Runs for the nearest exits:::
Well fiends this was a totally useless and pointless interview with Vampiro. Well we didn't learn many things in this interview, but I think we learned that Vampiro's favorite catch phrase is "F*ck Jerry Only". I would've thought he'd be smarter. (Too much brown water?) Jiggle the handle, close the lid, this one is gone...

---

LEGAL STUFF: the Book of Poo is a copyrighted trademark of James Only and James Only, Only. So if you think you can do a better job, you deserve a kick in the arse. The Book of Poo is done soley for Entertainment Purposes and for James Only's amusement, Only.

THE BOOK OF POO #2 - The Epic of Bobby Steele | James Only

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! (and James Only's amusement) The Book of Poo!! ISSUE#
2!!!

Well well well Fiends. Here's the story. Mychael Amaurosis and I were sitting
around the TV eating Subs and watching Space Ghost when none other than BOBBY
STEELE came kicking down Myke's door.

James Only: What in the Green Hell?!!

Bobby: Fiend, pardon my entrance. I didn't want take two weeks trying to get an
interview to what Jerry took two weeks to spew to Jerry Only.

Myke: Umm.. you just kicked down my door. I thought you couldn't kick down a
casket lid.

Bobby: CHEAP SHOT, TRYING TO MOCK A PERSON'S DISABILITY! Anyone who's seen THE
UNDEAD knows that I just stand for the most part.

Myke: No, you're going to pay for that fucking door!

Bobby: I think I sold close to 100 shirts last year...at $10.00. I sold about 50
45's - at $4.00. I gave away the stickers at most shows. The audience, it's very
little. I think I make my point here.

Myke: I don't care about that, you're buying me a new FUCKING door! You have
money from the Misfits to cover that damn door!

Bobby: I have stated publicly that I am receiving my royalties, but I am still
trying to get my share of the advances on the box set.

James Only: What? I don't care! You are annoying, like that damn Vampiro guy and
your stoopid hate campaign!

Bobby: The only hate campaign is the one that Jerry spread and that he's also
implying to get you to hate Vampiro

Myke: Will you shut up and buy me a NEW DOOR?

Bobby: Pay up and I'll shut up. I was hoping you would have just given me the
money as you had assured the people at the IRS you would do.

James Only: Maybe you didn't say the magic word...

Myke: The only money I OWE you is the disablilty money!

James Only: You do? ::Looks in Awe::

Bobby: That's right. I collect a meager disability check that barely covers my
living expenses. All $.0001 of your taxes go to me...if it's that much.

James Only: Sounds good to me...

Myke: Yeah, I am a CHEAP ASS! ::now Bobby is stealing Myke's TV::

Myke: GIVE ME BACK MY TV!! YOU'RE STEALING MY TV!

James Only: WHAT IN THE GREEN HELL ARE YOU DOING??? SPACE GHOST IS ON!!!!!

Bobby: Like my 'stealing' THE UNDEAD trademark from you?

Myke: What in the hell???

James Only: Umm...what's he rambling about?

James Only: DUDE!! SPACE GHOST IS ON, PUT IT BACK!!!

Bobby: Only a seriously hate filled bigot would try to throw such comments
around. ::Puts down the tv::

Myke: I am NOT a hate-filled bigot!

James Only: I am, ya big jerk!

::Bobby steals James's Captain America Comics::

James Only: GIVE ME MY COMICS BACK, JERKFACE!!

Bobby: Open the books and remove the element of suspicion that YOU created by
being so secretive about your actions.

Myke: JUST BUY ME A NEW DOOR AND GIVE JAMES BACK HIS COMICS!!!!

James Only: and how do you plan to get outta here?

Bobby: I can't run, and seeing as how I'm playing and singing, I'm glued to the
mic.

Myke: What about my door?

Bobby: Jerry is the one witholding info about the money.

Myke: AHEM!! MY DOOR??!!!

Bobby: I'm sure I even have something in writing from him that says that he is
responsible for the distibution of the money - he's just trying to take you for
a ride.

James Only: BE QUIET!! I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU AGAIN, SPACE GHOST IS ON!!!

Myke: Yeah, I know

Bobby: My lawyer has not told me to be quiet, and even if he did - I have a mind
of my own and do what I want.

Myke: THIS IS MY DAMN HOUSE!!!

Bobby: Stick to one question at a time, and you might get a better response. You
are not the only person in the world who has questions about this.

James Only: You need "your money" why don't you ask Jerry? He's a nice guy.

Bobby: I've been trying to find him for 10 years.-the tall guy with the black
shit under his eyes?

Myke: WHAT??!!

James Only: Gee...sounds like he's pretty hard to find...

Myke: QUIT WHINING!

Bobby: If you want to see whining - go look at some of Jerry's old interviews.

James Only: So why don't you cry about it?

Bobby: It's typical of bullies to cry, like you are doing for Jerry, when the
tables are turned.

James Only: ...we're not crying... ::looks lost::

Myke: soo, you're not gonna pay for my door are you?

Bobby: You nailed it on the head. This is reality. Don't go blaming the victims
here.

James Only: So what makes you think you can just bounce in here and "steele" my
Captain America comics?

Bobby: You are the fiend club, I was a MISFIT..and you'll never be s--- with
that attitude.

Myke: The hell?

James Only: We just wanted to watch Space Ghost!

Bobby: Get off your ass and go see an UNDEAD show and maybe you'll change your
mind.

Myke: Are you crazy??

Bobby: You can't argue a valid point, so you cheapen youreslf to throwing
insults, and repeating slander.

:::All of a sudden the IRS come looking for Bobby Steele and he takes off:::

Well Fiends, that was an unexpected visit from Mr.Steele himself!!! We weren't
gonna release this "slander" but Myke Amaurosis convinced me otherwise. Once
again the Book of Poo brings you mindless and absolutely stupid news on Misfits
and EX-MEMBERS for that matter.

Jiggle the handle, close the lid, this one is gone.

---

LEGAL STUFF: the Book of Poo is a copyrighted trademark of James Only and James
Only, Only. So if you think you can do a better job, you deserve a kick in the
arse. The Book of Poo is done solely for Entertainment Purposes and for James
Only's amusement, Only.



Highlight for Ghost Message! You are now in ONLY VISION! Muhuhuhahahaha!!

Book of Poo: Issue 1 | James Only

THE BOOK OF POO #1 ~ Uncut and Original

---

INFOMERCIAL: Are you tired of going to Misfits.com for weeks and weeks only to
find nothing new to report? Are you tired of all these serious azz people who
can't take a fuckin'joke? Well boy do I have something for you! Its the dumbest,
most ridiculous,most useless information on the Misfits up to date! Its the Book
of Poo!! That's right, fiends, the Book of Poo and its absolutely FREE!! Just
email James Only and say "I want my Book of Poo!!". I promise you will not be
disappointed!!

---

I was busy during the week and I had a chance to go to sub-way and I'll be
damned if Jerry Only wasn't there. I talked to him and here's what he had to
say...

James Only: Hey, aren't you Jerry Only?

Jerry Only: Yeah, I'm the founder of the Misfits

James Only: Soo, we the fiends are tired of waiting, can you give us feedback?
Y'know, something exclusive?

Jerry Only: Most of these allegations and rumors have been so outrageous that
the band would not even dignify them with comment, but rest assured, these
individuals will be dealt with accordingly.

James Only: which means....

Jerry Only: Its far from over

James Only: Is that a fact?

Jerry Only (nods) yes

James Only: So, what can you tell us about Doyle?

Jerry Only: My brother Doyle has assured me that he had no knowledge of any
statements made by these people, who were allegedly speaking on his behalf.

James Only: Is that a fact?

Jerry Only: Yes...

James Only: Y'know my last name used to be "the Great" too y'know?

Jerry Only: No, I didn't know that... ::looks lost::

James Only: Yeah....

Jerry Only: Yep....

Jerry Only: ::Blinks::

James Only: ::stares::

(5 Minutes of Silence)

James Only: Sooo, how 'bout dem Bears?

Jerry Only: They're goin' all the way this year...

James Only: Is that a fact?

Jerry Only: Are you crazy?

James Only: That IS a fact

Jerry Only: Umm ok...

James Only: So, what about touring?

Jerry Only: The Misfits are currently taking a hiatus from touring.

James Only: really?....I didn't know that already.... (Sarcastic as hell)

James Only: Soo, you guys cancelled some recent gigs, what exactly did we miss
out on?

Jerry Only: You would not have received the 150% that our live shows are known
to deliver.

James Only: ohh ok. So anything that you'd like to say to all the fiends out
there?

Jerry Only: Be strong fiends, for your strength gives us strength and together
we make the Misfits something worth fighting for.

James Only: Right. Anything else?

Jerry Only: We ask that fiends be weary of any web sites or newsletters
"claiming" to be fiends who prove to be nothing short of slanderous gossip
columns. These "so called" fiends, simply hope to add fuel to the fire, in an
attempt to tarnish the image and/or incite the demise of the Misfits.

James Only: Can you assure us anything?

Jerry Only: We assure you that when all is said and done, they will not succeed

James Only: Yer the best Jerry Bear...

Jerry Only: :::Laughs:::

James Only: :::not laughing:::

Jerry Only: :::Drops a piece of his spicy italian sub on his shirt:::

James Only: soo, how's that sub?

Jerry Only: Pretty good, Ha ha ha ha

James Only: :::not laughing::: oh ok...

Jerry Only: ::stops laughing::

James Only: Sooo, when is the Misfits anniversary?

Jerry Only: The Misfits 25th Anniversary falls on April 18th 2001.

James Only: That's Great, you must be proud..

Jerry Only: Be strong fiends, for your strength gives us strength and together
we make the Misfits something worth fighting for.

James Only: Is that a fact?

Jerry Only: Get off disability, get a job, write some good songs and shut up.

James Only: But I'm still in high school and I DO write good songs!!!

Jerry Only: One true enemy is better than a dozen untrue
friends...goodbye...good riddance.

James Only: WAAIIITT I WANNA CONTINUE THE INTERVIEW!!!! ::Chases After Jerry::

Well Fiends, I guess I'll have to catch up with Jerry some other time to
continue our interview. Remember the Original HorrorJerk (James Only) is here to
bring you the latest most accurate, most ridiculous, and totally useless
information on the Misfits come to date!!!

Jiggle the handle, close the lid, this one is gone...

---

LEGAL STUFF: the Book of Poo is a copyrighted trademark of JamesOnly and James
Only, Only. So if you think you can do a better job, you deserve a kick in the
arse. The Book of Poo is done soley for Entertainment Purposes and for James
Only's amusement, Only.



Highlight for Ghost Message! You are now in ONLY VISION! Muhuhuhahahaha!!
©1999-2003 Book of Poo Productions

Age of Distrust - Whispers of War EP

It was sideways on their facebook

Oh, hell!?!? More Ohio metal… If my loyal readers have noticed, I am not exactly a large metal head. A good band I can listen to as long as the melody is right, but after my lengthy touring as a metal road tech you can have it. The genre’s of steel that have been shoved down my throat reach from hair to bald and everywhere in between. In this case, I have heard what Ohio has to offer and 9 times out of 10 I would rather partake in a self induced brain biopsy. Actually, if I have one more metal head sing a Man-O-War song in my face I think I may commit a very heinous act of violence.

So why, you may ask, would I be reviewing this morsel of Midwest metal? I’m friends with the band…that tends to get one shoe horned into a tight corner at times. Judgment dictates that my taste in music is going to really hate this EP. I get apprehensive about anything but 80’s thrash when metal is the subject. I also fancy the aesthetic atmosphere that black metal offers; that would be the end of my liking of Viking North extreme metal scene. So why keep meandering around the subject at hand…

Age of Distrust, native to Chillicothe, Oh, deliver a six song EP of fair devastation. I dare say the best album this town has seen since Lunarium or maybe Woe of Tyrants (if you like a cookie cutter Metalblade outfit). What does this mean to you? If you haven’t heard of Lunarium or Woe of Tyrants it won’t matter. The Whispers of War EP has a feel that is of its own (at least in this decade) and certainly in this area is unique. But what does it sound like? Don’t ask me to compare this to other bands. I could give two fucks about 90% of metal out there and do not know many bands. I know what I like and stick to that. What I do know is good music what it crosses my pallet.

The front line of A.o.D. is a ferocious animal consisting of Kurt Miller (lead guitar), Jacob Davis (rhythm guitar), and Matt Harper (bass and lead vokills). I shall start by addressing the guitar line. Kurt is a pure death metal guitarist and he brings the grit and speed to this veritable thrash outfit. Jacob Davis is a solid motherfucking rhythm guitarist. These two weave some extremely catchy guitar lines. There are elements of all types of traditional, thrash, and power metal to be found here. If you ask me that is part of the problem. Nothing is worse than a douche-bag in leather pants with a mullet following talking about how much he love bud light and bitches. These guys aren’t in that vein, but metal is metal. If they get to “metal” at least they have me to try and de-mullet their habits. Matt Harper, in all of his game loosing ways, supplies the low end to this record and the voice. Whoever mixed the bass on this EP is wank residue. I can generally only make out a solid bass line now and again. A low end is prevalent. If a person just wants a lick of the salt block than you will enjoy this. The engineer needs his nuts smashed with a meta tenderizer until he learns how to mix properly. Harper is a damned find bassist and his lines deserve to be felt more than this. Vokills are my major problem with this record. We find Harper to be stuck somewhere between Anthrax and DRI; just enough grit to hammer things home, but not enough range to be truly magical. I think with the full length in the barrel we can see Harper really starting to come into his own behind the mic. It just needs an edge more grit and he will be just perfect. Plus there are some pitch problems now and again…hence…more grit. And yet again, the man mixing this album doesn’t do Matt justice. Seriously, should I take my bag of medieval torture tactics over to his studio until this mix is correct? Maybe a few turns of the thumb screw will teach this person to be more mindful.

I’m sure everyone is asking: Hydro, what do you think about the percussion? If you must know, I took shelter from the fucking nuclear assault that came from my stereo. John Dayton is a fucking artillery machine behind the kit. He writes intelligently passionate drum lines that have some natural fire. I can appreciate some blast beats and this supplies just that. Oh and did I mention Kurt’s death growls are pretty evil. I’m sure some aging metal head in Florida just felt a disturbance in the force.

Out of the six songs of (what I’m going to call) power thrash the last three are the highlights. Frozen Infinity and Execution are brutal masterpieces with great writing. Trinity is a minute and half outro that salivates the ears for the chambered full length. The opening track, Retribution, has become the lead single from the EP and is genuinely radio accessible, but in no means a sellout track. Chains of Oppression, their oldest track in the current catalogue is found to be the weakest song on the EP. Yes, they have eliminated many older tunes after they obtained the guitar slinging expertise of Kurt. Personally, this one is a little much in the Metallica worship department. The track Age of Distrust is the hump song. Didn’t I mention something about stereotypes and Man-O-War earlier? Musically it’s a great track. Lyrically I don’t think there is enough demon slaying and sword slaughter. *rimshot*

I give this a solid 7 out of 10. The EP is above average and swinging out the gate. It is by no means original. Could they really bring the fire on a full length? Yes. What they do have is a VERY solid EP with great musicianship and a so-so mix. I hope they don’t get caught up in bad metal cliché and stereotypical lyrical content. However, those two things just come with metal territory. If a person would want to check this band out they will be opening up for the mighty Death Angel at the Alrosa in Columbus, Oh November 16th 2011. This is only one music snob’s opinion. Venture out, support local music, and make your own decision. I will be looking forward to their full length to see what the band can really bring to the table. If they fuck it up…I’ll be waiting in the shadows to rip it to pieces.

What do you know! I didn’t want to commit seppuku after listening to this. Though, my metal quota for the month is maxed after this review.