Danzig Legacy Set - Death Comes...

Sokay, Hydro back at you. I know it has been 4 or so months since my last post. I've been busy so go smoke a pipe and frag off. However, the news i have is POWERFUL! It has been all over the web and my tickets are already in hand. The Danzig Legacy set in Chicago at Riotfest. Who can say if this is going to be good or bad. Glenn will perform a Misfits, a Samhain, and a Danzig set. One night only...the day after my birthday. What can I say. This ghoul is so happy i could shit bunnies! Be aware that i will be giving a full video review of this event (if possible) or at least pictures and a video of me fanboiling out. This is news...very very good news.

In other news, we have new reviews on the way.

~~ Hydro

1476 - Smoke For the Sky

Hydro back (finally) with something not so abrasive to your senses. Yep, my time will be split from now on between good and bad albums. My primary purpose is to inform the masses of the shit to stay away from. Let me tell you that there is quite a bit. I have a whole pile of albums that should have never have been made waiting for some Book of Poo love. However, today is not a day for that. Today I am delving into the esoteric. I am descending into the mystical. I am going down the long path to Salem, MA to look at the new offering from 1476.

Those who are here looking for Argyle Goolsby all over the place get lost. He wrote one song on the first album and lent vocals. Neil DeRosa and Robb Kavjian are the skeleton and muscle of this band. The music speaks for itself. In the wake of Goolsby leaving the band to concentrate full time on Blitzkid we find Robb and Neil hard at work in the studio. To fill the void between full length albums we get this four song acoustic EP entitled “Smoke in the Sky”. 1476 and Blitzkid are two different entities and this shows. This EP really begins to bring 1476 into its own entity. In no way do I mean that the first album “A Wolf’s Age” was anything less than original with strong character. Like a fine wine Robb and Neil get better with every passing recording.

I refuse to accept everything an artist does as gold. I’m sure you all know this about me by now. However, let us call a spade a spade. This is a really great EP. Robb’s lyrics tell a story and still have enough poetic justice that one may read into the subtle master strokes. Neil is on the foot path that Mr. Pert (of Rush fame) began on. I can’t say he is on the same level, but I see the potential. Layers are well placed within these tracks. This just shows that home recordings crafted by the right minds are as grand as anything the falling mega labels have ever put out. I do mean that.

Let me delve into this four track mood driven gem.

So we find six tracks on this CD EP. Wait…I know I said four tracks, but there are an intro and outro present and I’m not really considering them songs. Ave Apollyon and Ave Apollo cap the beginning and end of these four songs. Droning guitar and antiquarian drums paint the back drop of some spoken word. The female voice used here is rather enticing. Both intro and outro are similar just differ in length.

I’m whisked away to another realm of thought; one of awaiting knowledge and unforeseen forces, as To Draw the Fifteen strikes my speakers. Proper use of echo on the vocals, a catchy tune with not overly flashy guitar and interesting drum work create an amazing five minutes of song. Robb’s vocals are like a good year of wine. He seems to get better with age. Neil doesn’t over use his cymbals or his snare. I think maybe I’m just used to really shitty music. This is a great song. It has the atmosphere of “JuJu” era Souxie and the Banshees, but a character all to itself.

I’m drawn into this EP fully as To Reveal the Shadow Self makes its presence known. Everything you love about 1476 is in this song. I would have thought that my ears would be missing some electric guitar. This is not the case. I’ve always liked the mix of acoustic and electric songs that Robb presents. Not many musicians give a dynamic palette. This is another solid song from the current duo.

The third song is the EP’s title track, To Call Up Smoke. Well maybe not fully the title track, but I’m sure this spurred the idea for the title. I’m my own opinion this is the weakest track on the disc. Trust me when I say this song is still great. A poetic look at a witch burning always chokes me up. They present solid instrumentation and solid lyrics. This is more than you get with most bands.

The final tune is called To Lye In Waite and we get a little experimental studio work to this recording. A jazzy vibe permeates the vintage record undertone. The mood takes on a far more melancholy tone as well. Backing female vocals augment Robb’s outstanding performance. A slick piano line gives a very noir feeling. I would say this is my favorite song on this EP. Excellent all around!

There you go. Short, sweet, and solid; not many bands do that on top of giving great recordings. I’m sure if you want to listen to this EP, wetting those eager lips for the next full length album, iTunes or Amazon will have this for mp3 hound. Or, and I suggest this, you could go and buy the album from the band and get the CD. You know…a Compact Disc…those round things with shiny bottoms that have music on them. They can be played in the car, computer, or in a DVD player. I highly recommend this EP.

1476

Update: The near spring flow.

I've got some new reviews on the. In fact i will most likely have one up tonight. We all know i'm a slacker...well less slacker and more insanely busy. My new band and job hunt have been keeping me rather occupied. However, the Book of Poo will forever live on.

Speaking of things living on...Have you heard that the remaining members of Sublime, Bud Gaugh and Eric Wilson, have changed the name slightly and gotten a new singer/guitarist. Yeah...that's right...a version of Sublime is tour and making new music. I know there are going to be haters. There generally are. My skepticism nearly won out over genetic curiosity, but i did check out this new line up. Taking over the late Bradly Nowell's spot is a youngster named Rome Ramerez. Upon hearing this kid...chills ran up my spine. He doesn't have the pure passion of Bradly, but if i were to just close my eyes...and i did...it's like having Brad back. Youtube "Sublime and Rome"...check it out. Trust me...i'll be the first one to start flinging poo, but this kid is practically the reincarnation of Brad. He won't ever be him. Oh, NO! He won't, but give him a chance...to have this outfit running around. OH man...I'm going to give them a shot. When that album drops i'll have it and give you a video review of it. That's right...a full on video. These guys deserve it. For now check out this one track, "Panic". If this is the next in line for Sublime...I'm satisfied.

Now we just need "Sublime with Rome" to tour with Operation Ivy.






~~ Hydro

69 Eyes - Paris Kills

Well, it’s Hydro back with some venomous album hazarding. October, month of bats and pumpkins, is now in hindsight. Monthly events had me bustling to the sound of the macabre beat. But never fear! I have returned to give you a grave review from a band that suffers from broken English and bad clichés. No, they don’t hail from Japan. This is a band from Scandinavia, Sweden to be exact. The majority of monster outfits from the snowy north that make it over the pond are in general pretty good. I can name a plethora of bands from the area that great. I would even wager to say that most of those bands are top notice in their genre. However, like every genre there are those…unfortunate...souls that come off with every bad cliché from the genre that can be scared up. I’m sure some people have guessed what death rocker’s are on my mind. I’m talking about the 69 Eyes.

For years I have had a love or hate relationship with this band. Their imagery was never quite dark enough, but had hints of a sophisticated gothic sleeze embedded in some areas. However, when they go wrong it is in catastrophic proportions. There is something in me that really wants to like this band, but logically there is just so much that belongs in Hot Topic that I just can’t. Oh, the things that is wrong with this band…let me count the ways.

Hmmm…actually, I think I will count the ways.

1) These guys suffer from gothic bug. There is nothing wrong with being of the gothic persuasion, but just dressing a way to fit into a niche market is just annoying. Plus, these guys have a nice dose of 80’s glam metal in them. That is never all right with me. Some fucking people may like the glitz and glam but I would rather not have Nikki Sixx and the New York Dolls invading my death rock. Thankfully, on the record “Paris Kills”, which I am looking at here, the band goes for a much more toned down look. To me this is much better than the blatant drive into horror rock that the band later attempts. However, they fail so hard.

2) ENGLISH, MOTHER-FUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!?!?! The one thing the Europeans and Scandinavians seem to be far better than Americans at skills wise is their grasp on languages other than their native tongue. I’ve heard better poetry coming from a bulimic glass eater on a purging spree. Jyrki 69, lead singer and lyricist, needs writes worse broken poetry in English than most Japanese bands. His sentence structure is fine most of the time, but the context of what he is writing doesn’t make sense half the time. For years I have tried to like “Paris Kills”. The album’s theme has so much potential, but the lyrics are full of so much fail. My person bitch fest comes in the French and English mish mash called “Dance D’Amour”. The harmonies are great, but the chorus drives me goddamned bananas. “Dance with me to the night” (As if the night is some kind of music box) “To the serious moonlight” (WHAT THE FUCK IS THE SERIOUS MOONLIGHT!?!??! As opposed to what… the not so serious moonlight. Go die in a fire for writing that piece of shit chorus) “Brighter than the stars above you shine” (I wonder where he is going with this. Does the “serious moonlight” have some kind of glowing aura…oh wait. Okayyyyyy….so that line isn’t too bad) “And the loving feels alright.” What kind of loving is he talking about? First they are dancing to the “Colon Powell” of extra-planetary illumination and next thing you know the “lovins” are feeling alright. If it is just alright then this guy needs to work on his moves. The French bits of this song are so ragingly clichéd it is painful to listen to. I think Jyrki just started watching English Dubbed French romance movies and copying lines to make them fit into the song. The whole album suffers from various degrees of this problem. Lyrically the album is like a bad gothic harlequin romance novel. The only tune that stands up to any scrutiny would be the Doors cover of “You’re Lost Little Girl”. That being said the doors suffer their own issues now and again (I love the Doors!).

3) We are off to a great start by not having Jyrki spouting horrid amounts of broken French at the audience with the tune “Betty Blue”. This is a mid paced rocker that melds into the first two tracks. Forgettable at best. Bad lyrics again, but at least they make sense. This band has a wonderful knack for vocal harmonies. Back vox in the chorus of “Betty Blue” portray this nicely. Not a bad song, but, as I said, forgettable.

4) I need to work on video reviews, because you could see me face palming myself into unconsciousness with these lyrics. I’ll get to those in a moment. Musically this track, “Grey”, strikes me as a throw away track. This has to be some of the lowliest stereotypical gothic schlock on the album. That is until we get to the a-typical Christian mythology track. Now for the lyrics. I’m thinking that Jyrki just chose a word that sounded like it could make a good “dark” theme and rolled with punches when rhyming with it. “As the night draws its shadows in on you; And the darkness turns you blue; Don’t let the moonlight burn you.” Listen up kiddies. This is how NOT to write lyrics. PERIOD!!! I think I was writing better bad goth poetry when I was in high school. Every line ends with the words blue, you, away, or grey. I’m surprised I even know what the music sounds like after hearing these atrocious attempts at poetry.

5) OHHHHHHHHHH!!! I found the lamenting vampire opus. Yet again, musically this song is interesting with a firm use of keyboards. The track has a very mellow vibe that could send one into a different world. That is if not for ghastly attempts at lyrics. The track is entitled “Radical”. Essentially, the song is from the perspective of a vampire who wants to not be forever young anymore. He’s a “radical”. Oh the hook is so fucking broken on an English level. I think he got Poe mixed up with San Fernando Valley girls. I can very much see the grey area to get lost in (/sarcasm). “I don’t want to feel like forever young anymore; Just catch my fall before, I crawl on the floor.” The interjection of a like into the first line is extremely classy. Things such as this really make me want to listen to this album more often…for a good laugh.

6) “Don’t Turn Your Back On Fear” is up next. I must say the addition of a female choir and some string orchestration is excellent. One of the stand-out tracks musically, if anything for diversity. Yet again, ignore the short bus lyrics and you’ll be fine.

7) Found it!!! “Stigmata” fills the roll of Christian inspired goth schlock track. This is an all around forgettable piece of shit. The music is uninteresting and the lyrics are confusing and make no sense. Somewhere along the line I get the vibe that Jyrki tried in his best broken English skill to give this song a love vibe. Boy did that not work. The chorus says it all. “Stigmata, Blood and Gasoline; A thought of you and the fire between.” I should really stop trying to figure out what this mental midget is trying to say through these ball-shit lyrics.

8) For a bad goth love song “Forever More” isn’t to bad. You’d think by this point, eight songs in, I’d be completely sick of this shit. Well this is one of the first good ones I’ve heard. The music is catchy (they haven’t had a problem with that) and the lyrics stick to a theme that make sense and stay short so not to be mucked around grammatically. The essence pouring from this album is faithful to the atmosphere the band is shooting for. I applaud this single track.

9) “Still Water Runs Deep” is musically a great goth rock anthem. However, yet again Jyrki fails on many levels of lyrical writing. He just wishes to have the skill of Andrew Eldrich (Sisters of Mercy). Though, this would be a fantastic way to round out the album, but we could only be so lucky.

10) A mellow tune that is very synth heavy called “Dawn’s Highway” rounds out the originals of this album. The lyrics stumble into one another attempting to weave a story. It’s like attempting to watch a blind man break dance. I sound like a fucking broken record by this point.

Finally, the album tapers off with a cover of the Door’s “You Lost Little Girl” That set’s a very somber mood. This is a not-so-perfect marriage of 60’s psychedelia and early 90’s ambient gothic rock. A problem arises when the song tries to gain forward momentum. There is a sense of perpetual intro to this cover. Not worth being on the album. Way to fuck up a doors song, douche bag. Finally, the album has two remixes (Crashing High and Stigmata). This is to my utter displeasure. I dislike millions of remixes. This is my major problem with most of the EBM, IDM, and electronic music genres in general. What’s even worse is that these two songs sound nearly the same as the album cuts. Ok…well actually the Stigmata cut is different, and sounds better than the original. Even still the better sounding track should have been the only one to make the album. I look at remixes at space fillers. If you think the album needs more running time GO WRITE ANOTHER SONG!!!

My final comments…If you want something dark and full of gutsy rock go and get a Sisters of Mercy, Seraphim Shock, or Killing Joke album. At least with those you know you are getting quality music with well written music. I’m sure in the future I’ll have to take a look at a few more 69 Eyes albums. I hear they venture further into horrorpunk. That should be interesting to see how they try and rip off most of that scene. However, I digress. This album is for anyone who likes a good bit of gothic rock and can overlook horribly written lyrics.

Let your ears bleed from the worst gothic lyrics...EVER.

~~ Hydro

Eerie Von - Misery obsura

I am Hydro, and some things never change. The artwork that I hold today has needed time to sink in. I needed to clear my mind of pure elation. Yes, this is going to be about as non-angry as I could get. The only thing that would make me happier would be unreleased Misfits songs (if they even exist…which I’m sure they don’t). The Book of Poo was started, and for the most part still is, in homage of Glenn Danzig and those associated with him and all forms of music and artwork. To this day that very drive to start making fun and poking a stick at that which we love and gives inspiration maintains to this day. We are fiends. And if you don’t like that go suck a rotten wart hog cock.

However, for those loyal readers, you know that this is not the 7th house and never has been. The Book will now bow to poorly produced music. We do not accept expensive bullshit that Danzig expects us to buy yet gives us nothing we didn’t already have. A DVD with 13 tracks but only 5 songs is a non-lubed fucking with not cuddles. And don’t even get me started on the cluster fucking gang bang Jerry Only calls The Misfits. I digress from the point of my writings. BOPsters will not be cheated by money making schemes and we do not worship every fluid that excretes from Glenn Danzig’s body. We leave that to the 7th house cultists.

When a product of superior nature is released proper due must be given. I come to the point of this review. Eerie Von is the fucking MAN!!! Released in late 2009 on Dark Horse books comes “Misery Obscura”. After 10 years of working this site I never thought I would be looking at a book this cool. I know I’m a few months late on this, but I had to let this settle. Honestly, fear permeated my whole body after the Danzig lyric book; that and the 25 dollar sticker price. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the Danzig lyric book and am glad to have it, but it could have been so much more. Eerie Von has reestablished my faith in the fiend world.

The book chronicles five eras in Von’s life. Rosemarie’s Babies. The Misfits. Samhain. Danzig. Solo. His photography is brilliant. With all of the rare promo shots, behind the scenes shots, and tour footage we get small stories and little incites to enhance this adventure. This is a collector’s wet dream. I even dig on some Rosemarie’s Babies music. Eerie Von you get the Book of Poo seal of approval.
So this 159 page romp (smoke that one Danzig) starts off with two forward notes. One by Mike D’Antonio of Killswitch Engage and the other by Lyle Preslar from Minor Threat and the first guitarist of Samhain. I honestly don’t know why D’Antonio was asked to write this. Maybe he is friends with Eerie. If that is the case than that is cool. Otherwise I’m calling bullshit. What makes this guy so fucking special? I’m a huge fucking fiend too. I started playing music in part because of The Misfits and Samhain. This does not give me enough credit to write a forward to such a great book. Though with this lack of information I a merely speculating on the subject in a very angry manner. Also, metalcore and Killswitch Engage are very shitty. I’m not a fan of that crap and hold it up with new school metal influenced hardcore. YUCK! I’ll tell you what doesn’t suck. Old school hardcore such as Minor Threat is pretty damned sweet. Lyle Preslar is a pretty funny guy. His forward oozes of sarcasm and fond memories of the time. The sense that he knew he didn’t really fit in Samhain is evident, but he gave it a good try. This was a pleasant read to start off this addicting journey.

Chapter 1 begins when Eerie and Doyle were attending Lodi High, New Jersey. Anyone deeply familiar with The Misfits and their old scene knows about Lodi. Von covers 1978 – 1981. Photo’s of he and Doyle in class and dressed in their high school sports team uniforms are really neat. Things really take off starting in 1981’ as Doyle joins the Misfits. Eerie get’s his first photography jobs with the band. I had always wondered about the infamous cave photos and the stories behind that. Maybe I’m just a fan boy, but this is just damned fascinating. The contrast between spooky and punk rock helped inspire a whole genre. The picture of the band coming out of the cave is just super bad ass too (pg 21). I really want that t-shirt. The pictures make me a little sad as well. Back when Danzig cared more about his fans, Jerry Only wasn’t such a douche bag and looked cool (less like a punk rock bowling pin w/devilock), and the music was raw. There are various show shoots presented. Also, a few pictures pop up (I’d seen online) that I had wondered who was presented in the photo. My curiosity has been sated.

The DIY ethic that ran rampant through the many years of this mans work is prevalent here. Eerie states several times that he developed his own pictures in his basement and ran copies. That is really cool. I endorse this type of ethic in this rampant age of instant gratification. DIY or Die!!! The various custom shirts that are pointed out in the early photos are amazing. Glenn sports a great Count Chocula shirt. I could go on about nearly every page in the book, but that would be pointless. Chapter one is just Misfits and Rosemarie’s Babies overload. It is a fine reminder of past events if you were there, and a genuine peak if you weren’t.
Chapter two starts the Samhain era. There are some great shoots done by Eerie that were never seen by the public. This is one of my favorite eras of Glenns career. It was far more realistic and spiritual. The pure “tear your face off” horror was still there, but the hole went deeper. Von delivers a visit to the King’s house in Graceland many unseen promo shots, stories about blood, and the first meetings with Rick Rubin. I could not have asked for anything more.

Next the behemoth arises from the ashes, Danzig. Eerie gives his take on the happenings for those early years up through the beginnings of change in 94. So 6 or 7 years of Danzig touring documentation is shown. The picture of Glenn in the vocal booth (pg 100) is really damned cool. The many different studio sessions shown are very nice. Many photos of Metallica (close friends of the band), White Zombie, and Marilyn Manson can be seen throughout. I’m a big White Zombie fan so that was a real treat. For some reason I didn’t know that Jesse James, of West Coast Choppers fame, was security for Danzig. I’m sure I just missed that one in my rabid lust of Samhain and Misfits history. My Danzig knowledge lacks in some areas; extended crew being one of these areas.

The final bits of chapter give Eerie’s take on the split of the original Danzig line up. From what I’ve heard he wasn’t biased much at all. Once Biscuits left the fun ended. He was the heart. The two pages of crew photos are really cool. I cannot say enough good things about the book. Even with the near buzz kill at the end the documentation and well taken photos kick ass.

My one complaint about the whole book is that we do not have enough of Eerie Von’s own fiend art and recent photography. I understand how and why he put this together, but I want to know what he is doing now. He lists his recent CD. All of which I really want to review on the Book. Seriously, Eerie, get on sending me those and I’ll do a write up. His artwork is “incredible”. I honestly want some on my wall. An individual piece of art by a great man would be great for my collection. What more could any fiend want. Many years ago, just before the last mock interview of the Book came out we had the idea to do one with Eerie. That may still see the light of day. However, after reading his final entry into this book I understand the spot he was in. Hard times hit everyone. It does make me happy that he is getting back out into the world and spooking things up. But really…only four paintings out of dozens? Come on Eerie, we want more.

Go forth my legions and buy this book. If you are a fan of any of the aforementioned bands then get this as fast as possible. If you want to support an independent fiend who is still putting out quality material, then get this book. If you are a fan of old school east coast punk…well you know the drill.

Death Dealer - Demo

Upon my infiltration of the Warriors of Metal Open Air festival I tasked myself to get as many albums to review as possible. During a moment when I was working the side stage and putting up with a raging douche-bag Pantera fanatic who thought he was a shred master, he was nothing of the sort, I met a kid named Brandon. This is one of those rare oldschool styled fans. He looked like a cross between Joey Ramone and any nameless fan of early 80’s thrash. I must commend him on his fashion sense. I met him at the shred competition, and needless to say I was curious if he was part of some musical outfit. It should be evident that I am no huge metal fan. However, I LOVE gen. 1 thrash metal (and even some of this new wave…Toxic Holocaust, Skeletonwitch, Municipal Waste, etc). I figured with Brandon’s eclectic taste in metal and raging teen hormones that he would play some noxious speed metal that is black as pitch. Well, the music is only as good as your fellow musicians. If one musician composes great music, but the drummer can’t keep time the band could have a problem. This can go for any member or even multiples. I’m sure this is just preaching to the choir, but you get my drift.

So I acquired the Death Dealer demo with all the force my BOP wielding powers could muster. I figured it was going to be pure shit, but I love getting underground music to test drive. Some reviewers get really jaded to new music. My jaded heart falls more toward the bands that keep on moving, yet loose their relevance. We all know which bands these are and no names need to be mentioned. Death Dealer delivers demo artwork that is completely awesome. Demo packaging like this should be a standard for up and coming artists. The vibe I get is purely DIY and some real care was polished into this. Take note you myspacefacebooktwitter heads. There are better ways to promote other than the internet. As far as I know the Demo image was also made into a T-shirt of some kind or maybe Brandon just mentioned the idea to me. Either way that is a T-shirt I would wear.

Youthful harboring of nocturnal delight and Necronomicon filled lullabies make me feel all warm and tingly inside. Just like if Cathulu were writhing up through my very bowels. Death Dealer delivers five songs that clock in just less than fifteen minutes. By the three minute mark I wanted to turn it the fuck off. Honestly, this doesn’t surprise me, but I’m giving this an honest listen and opinion.

This demo starts off with a song called “Return from the Crypt”. The guitar work is pretty mean. The drummer (who at this time has moved to vocals…good move) needs to start a wicked cocaine habit, because he is SLOW!!! I don’t believe the band had a bassist at the time of recording so no low end can be found…and trust when I say that the music needs it. This vocalist doesn’t have the chops for this style of metal. So far I’m getting a garage punk vibe. Like really old D.R.I. with a bad drummer. That isn’t a bad thing. Brandon needs to get a solid line up together so they can grow as musicians. Next up is a tune called “Evil Desire”. Not an all together bad riff. The vocals are still a bit annoying with no punch at all. This song needs bass like Stephen Hawking needs to get laid. This tune isn’t too bad. The drummer can even keep up. OH! One other thing is that these kids must have no knowledge about recording. Live recordings are great and all, but when soloing it is always good to dub in a rhythm guitar backing track. “Thrills in the Night” is the third song. Taking a chainsaw to the singer’s anus would produce a better effect than his attempts at “evil”. NEXT…”Hidden Terror” be the name of this demo crapster piece. The only thing on my mind is that this needs bass. Attention Death Dealer…you know you can over dub and mix in a bass track. Seriously, this yearns for a rhythm guitar track and a bass track like Robert Downy Jr. staring at a bottle of aged scotch. Strong riffage on this song though. Finally, we have the worst of the five songs. “The Great Awakening” is like a giant misnomer. The drummer, either ran out of creative steam on drum beats, or never gained consciousness with the rest of the band. I will say it again; the best thing the drummer did was move to vocals.

So that is that. The band has potential, but needs a steady line up to grow. That can be hard when living in the asshole of Kentucky. I would imagine that finding metal heads that are into Venom and Kreator in the loins of redneck breeding grounds can be hard. I’m giving this demo a 4 out of 10 severed heads. That may sound bad, but it is a fucking demo and these kids have heart. It may be black and hard like one of Dolemite’s pimp slaps, but it is still heart. I dig this just for the effort. If I gave that a rating it would be at least a six. This is a young seed that will hopefully grow into something face melting. Dig that shit like your Saturday night dates grave.

Hidden Terror by Death Dealer

The Graveyard Boulevard - Toe Tags and Body Bags

Let’s drag something from the late 90’s Mansonite camp, shall we. Who here knows about Wednesday 13 and the Murderdolls? Who remembers Wednesday 13’s first band called the Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13? If you do and you liked them then you need to be eviscerated by a plastic spork. The Frankenstein Drag Queens were the sort of band that appealed to a person who went for shock value. They would dawn a prom dress (be they male or female) and some torn up fishnets/stripped socks and splatter back make up and blood all over themselves (including the band). The appeal was surely not the damned music. The Drag Queens were known for horrid musician ship and songs that made Static X look like Bach. Some of these songs made it on to the Murderdoll’s first album. There is a second album in the chamber, but that is a review for another day. As Wednesday split the Frankenstein Drag Queens to pursue other endeavors, his former band mate Abby Normal rounded up some fellow locals to form “The Graveyard Boulevard”. The first album came out on the infamous horror punk label Antidote Records. I could probably write a whole review just on the short stint of that label and the sloppy book work and douchebaggery that Sin, owner, slathered the then infant horror punk world (back when the genre didn’t really have a name…yes I was around working with bands at the time). Yet again I digress… So the album is called “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. My copy of this album was given to me by Abby Normal. Funny story, the only record I ever actually paid for from Antidote Records was the one an old band of mine was on. I’m rather happy that I didn’t pay for this album. I learned quickly that the amount of fake blood slathered horror crap was already creeping into everyone’s hands. It comes to two things when listening to music inspired by horror: 1) Do you want something different and trying to actually bring some original art? And 2) Do you want something that fits the “mold” of horror punk? Back at this time there was no real mold just yet. Some of the bands that played this style, like The Graveyard Boulevard, had no woahing and no 50’s vibe. Honestly, they might have really mucked that up if they tried to put some harmony to this music. I’m really happy I never paid for this piece of professionally pressed shit.

There is a bit of a silver lining to this record. Unlike much of the current horror punk scene these days there was no mold at the time of this record. Many bands did try to copy the styles of the Misfits, the Cramps, or GWAR, however, the Graveyard Boulevard is not one of them. They were somewhat unique in their sound. I can sense a vibe of the Frankenstein Drag Queens all through this, and that just reminds me of what utter bullshit Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids spawned back in the mid to late 90’s. The Drag Queens, in my opinion, were part of that “I’m so shocking this must be cutting edge” type of theme that many bands seemed to jump on around the late 90’s. I suppose this style has its place in the world, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I think I dislike many of the fans more than I do the music. None the less, the music doesn’t strike me, but I do like some good horror schlock. This Graveyard Boulevard album has some high points, but ultimately lacks in the (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) strong song writing department that Wednesday brought to the Drag Queens.

Another aspect that annoys me is the engineering of the record. The levels are pretty good; in the respect of being able to hear all of the instruments. The bass is buried in a low frequency overdriven growl. I would venture to say that whoever mixed this didn’t know what they were doing. I get the sense that there is a low end, but can’t pick it out when the guitar is playing. The guitar tones are pure shit. Not sure what the band actually wanted here, but they just make me think of Marshal half stack turned up with no thought or effort put into tone. On second though, maybe I just hang out with to many guitarists. This is supposed to be punk rock and I’m nit picking. The drums are another thing all together. They could have been bigger. Judging by the sound it seems all the drums were properly mic’ed. Which really makes me think that whoever mixed this only had half a grasp on what they were doing or didn’t care. I will give it that the mix isn’t as bad as The Misfits album “Earth A.D.” or the Black Flag LP “Damaged” (Iconic albums both recorded and mixed by a fucking idiot), but still pretty bad.

So now to delve into the murk that is pure audio sewage.

If you like the Frankenstein Drag Queens/Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids style of vibe than whatever I’m about to say won’t mean two shit or a fuck too you. The intro track has a very harshly forced wannabe spook factor, but comes short when Abby Normal opens his face hole and sound comes out. I do not like the way he sings. I enjoy some harsh vocals and have heard worse, but his style is not my cup of blood. The intro works into the first song, by name “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. This fails to be interesting and the guitar tends to sit in the chair next to you.

Venturing into the mediocrity of rock n’ roll is the second track, “Popcorn”. I will assume the theme was inspired by the movie of the same name. The guitar work in this is solid, but boring. That will be a growing theme with this record. We almost have some catchy lyrics here, but they just fall short.

I’m starting to see a theme of every song being in the same key. This can happen with many rock bands, so that is just fairly nit-picky. However, when the rhythm of each song begins to blend into a giant homogeneous mixture, then you have a problem. The main riff is a bit catchy, but since there is little else to the song a mechanical boredom forms quickly.

I’m four tracks in and not sure I want to put you all through this…I will push forward, begrudgingly. “Really Rotten” is next and sounds like some mid 90’s grunge meets Danzig reject with Normal’s bad vocals. I would venture to say that Abby was trying to ride the coat tails of his former band mate, Wednesday 13. He failed miserably.

Oh good. Just what I needed, a song about a guy pissing on some ones mother’s grave. As far as songs go this is pretty catchy and one of the better songs so far. I’d like to order some more songs like this (and a new vocalist).

Here comes the attempt at a lamenting song; something a bit more on the mellow side. A creepy beginning slathered with echo and chorus turns the harshness down a notch. Abby dispensing with his singing for spoken word until a minute in is a nice change. However, the softer vibe is ruined when the vocals try to do something they were not built to do. I have to say that the lyrics depict a haunting story of love and loss. If Abby could sing less like he is gargling glass I would say the song would be great.

“Choke Yourself”…I think it sounds like a better idea than finishing this album. Horribly cheesy lyrics dawn this decent punk song. Not much more can be said. I get sick of this want to be shock rock bullshit. This is the same reason I’m not a big mentors or GG Allen fan. I would also like to point out that this is an old Frankenstein Drag Queens song. I wouldn’t surprise me if this album was littered with roll over songs. My familiarity with the Frankenstein Drag Queens is, i'm sorry to say, limited.

Oh, I was wondering when we’d get to the crypt keeper talk. He is a tune called “Lady Killer”. I think I know the problem with songs like this from TGB. They sound like rejected songs from Motley Crue. Fuck hair metal and fuck you if you like it. I say that knowing I have a bunch of friends who like that bullshit. I’ve said it to them and I will keep saying it. I’ll skip on this leather clad come on.

Attention: Abby Normal! The Dickies did this same type of song and it was/is WAY FUCKING EPIC!!! Yours is just a sad replica that has a limp dick. Yes this song is called “Circus Horrificus”. It is a some what solid song if not horribly unoriginal. This has far too much cock rock in it to be something I could get into. It wouldn’t surprise me if Gene Simmons felt a disturbance in the force when this song was written.

Now a song for the children…or about the children I should say. “Feed the Children” is a bit miss leading. This is about eating children as opposed to actually nourishing them. Ohhh, how shocking is it to talk about eating children. The music is boring and the lyrics are silly. Everyone knows that babies are the best to cook up and are very versatile in the kitchen.

Way to fuck up a good story douche hole. “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” has more mechanical style music. That is not the down fall of the song. The vocals…all of the vocals make this song unlistenable. Thankfully the song is short. I’ve heard men grunt at high volumes. I have friends who watch football, but seriously preteen voice cracking and Abby’s broken glass flavored croon make for some gawd awful recordings.

“Terror TV” does something different. The recording utilizes a xylophone to enhance the “melody”. I would wager that this was actually a keyboard, but at least it is something different. Yet again this track fails to deliver. Honestly, it seems the most annoying songs got thrown at the end of the album.

But wait…there is more! A bonus track fills the 13th slot. How…fitting. “Night to Dismember” is the name of the track and when I think of crypt keeper talk in songs it better come like this. It isn’t a bad song, but it isn’t a good one either. This one at least has some dynamics to it. Abby’s vocal scrawl fits the nut kicking cookie cutter punk rock. There is even a solo which is more than I could have asked for.

That is about it except for a hidden track and it is another shock rock failure. My disappointment was high when I got this album. Abby Normal gave me the damned thing, and I wanted to like it when I got it, but intelligence and taste have dictated that this album stinks like shit. A few stand out tracks such as “That’s My Mom”, “Dear Dead Delilah”, and “Choke Yourself” are about the only reasons to pull this album out and they aren’t worth the recording costs. Save your sanity, save your money, and save your CD rack space for something better.

Crystal Castles - S/T 2 - Hydro

Since I’m lacking in the amazingly bad album section right now and saving what I have for October I am going to delve into a few avaunt guarde pieces I have been looking forward to tackling. Here at the book we do more than just attack bad albums. I like to take a look at all aspects of music. Weigh the pros and the cons and tell you, the reader, exactly what is up with this. I have written for publications where I wasn’t allowed to flame a bad album. It was the “Say something nice or don’t say anything at all” type of work. I really loathe that bullshit. If I think the album has little merit, is not more than a corporate money making hack job, or deviates from the true path just to make money I will be letting you and all of the true music fans, the potential fans, out there know. So what have I, the one and only Hydro, brought to you this day in early August. I have found a major label release (Universal/Motown) that is abrasive, experimental, and yet very catchy by the minimalist electronic group Crystal Castles. Any fucking band that names themselves after one of my favorite Atari games gets a few points in my book.

What strikes me first about this record would be that it is equally as edgy as anything Skinny Puppy put out back in the 1980s. Many of the songs have a strong beat and a hook that is big enough to catch a megalodon. The outfit of Alice Glass and Ethan Kath started this project back in the early 2000’s based out of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Canada does three things very well: Hockey, beer, and oddball electronic music groups. I’m probably loosing “punk rock credentials” right now by saying I’m into shit with drum machines and keyboards. I’ve always been into that the danceable stuff…even before the Misfits. So if you don’t like that then you blow a goat. Now for posterity’s sake, keep in mind that I don’t get into indie rock at all. Most bands that consider themselves “Indie” just piss me of. They have no piss and vinegar. Which in my opinion is the spinal column of rock n’ roll. I don’t care how you present the music. I will give any band a chance, and I try and articulate if it is not my style of music. However, I don’t care how genius they think their music is bands like Coldplay suck. Actually, Coldplay sucks, just for the record. If you consider yourself some form of rock outfit you must come off with some gritty gusto to be taken seriously. Crystal Castles accomplishes this with strength, grace, and a form of endurance not seen in many bands today.

Every single distorted beep and oddly timed loop is purposeful. It is hard to explain the undeniable seal of truly magnificent artwork. Think of this as the difference between paints by Michelangelo and the newest add for Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. It is hard to articulate exactly what the difference is (Art Historians and Art Critics excluded) that makes them so yin and yang, but we just know there is a difference.

Now comes the real question; is this band and record perfect? No, under no circumstance is this record perfect. This was not handed down by the gods of rock to Iggy Pop, Tony Iommi, and Getty Lee who ushered it into the minds of Crystal Castles. No band is unfaultable. No band, EVER, has released an all out perfect record…not even Led Zeppelin (but they came damned close with Zeppelin I). I can only imagine with this kind of chaotic mess that Crystal Castles live show is vastly different from their albums. It would take a team of synth masters to control this type of music. I would hate to think that much of the backing songs are just run from a CD player over the PA. Obviously, I have not seen them live. I can only speculate. Another issue with this is that I can not understand any of the lyrics. Really though, the lyrics are merely a formality to these songs. The real highlight is the danceable chaos in the music. Ms. Glass has a fine voice when it shines through the vocal effects. This fits the song style, but can be an annoyance when wanting to know what the fuck she is talking about. Really I’m nitpicking right now. For what this is, musically, I can see no problems. If you want something to chill out too or a solid dance floor experience then this would be something to slap in the ol’disk player. The highlight tracks we have here follow as: Baptism, Suffocation, Birds, I am Made of Chalk. This band is suggested if you are into experimentalism, old industrial (redundant to experimentalism), trip hop, and sci fi movie soundtracks.

This is an easy 8 out of 10. So dig it.

Now see, I can write a review on a good album. However, I do this for my sanity. Oh yes, I have to get back to the shit. Next week we tackle something hideous…something down right horrid…something by the graveyard. Ugh…something from Planet 13?

Audio Diarrhea: Dr. Chud's X-Ward - By She Who Can Not Be Named

Back in 2004, someone thought it would be a good idea for Dr.Chud, of Misfits fame, to become a lead singer. If there is one person responsible for this action they should be cut to pieces with a dull butter knife. Seriously, why do EX-Misfits think it's their horror punk rights to form new bands? Not only that, but to SING! Anyone can start a new band, that's cool. If you were the drummer or the guitarist there is solid ground why you weren't the fucking singer!!!

Let's get this fuck fest on! Let me say first that I did get a copy of this CD when it came out, I do like to give things a chance. After one listen it got tossed into that pile. You know the pile, the “let's pawn this off on some unknowing victim” pile. So, I had to get the CD again to complete this review, which was probably the most painful thing I have done in a while or possibly that was the headache this shit gave me. Before you judge me and say I never gave them a chance - I beg to differ fine reader, I have even seen them live. So hah! In your face!

OK, tracks ready to go. Hit play. Hmmm…

Track 1 - Powerless - After 45 seconds, I am feeling quite powerless, I must agree. Powerless, to come up with words to describe the onslaught of shit I am hearing; muddy guitars, poorly mixed drums, and horrible unspeakable vocals. No form of Pro-Tools or likewise could make this song audible to my hearing holes. What the fuck is this song even about? Powerless to what? The lyrics are complete shit, choruses are good but over repetition is bad. "I'll take your life, I'll take your life away...." Please would you? Jumpin' Jesus on a fucking pogo stick!!!

Track 2 - Mommy Made Luv 2 an Alien - Well if the title doesn't hint at what I'm going to say then you are more stupid than I gave you credit for dear reader. I will say that the music is catchy in this one. Catchy as in heard this rhythm 8 million times before. As far as vocals, shit!! The lyrics and content of this song make me feel dumb even listening to it. Horror punk has always been campy, given. Horror punk has had content about aliens, given. This is just some of the stupidest shit I have heard. Cookie cutter is one thing, appealing to 13 year old girls who have yet to menstruate seems to be the going theme for this song. Oh, my poor fucking ears.

Track 3 - Heavy Metal - Oh this should be good. Oh no! Chuddy please don't try to hit those highs!!! OH, fuck me. Seriously? If this song is supposed to be about Heavy Metal possibly an ode to metal than it just scared Rob Halford straight. I'm not sure really what the song is supposed to be about, because there are no lyrics online. This band sucks so bad no one has taken the time to type the lyrics out, HA! Before any of you Horror Punk Historians try to school me on what the song is about, save it. Don't care, if I read the lyrics now it will just remind me of that one time I had to listen to that song that made my brain vomit.

Track 4 - Spiderbaby - This song opens with promise. Starts with a tad bit of a jam. I'm digging it. Then Chud opens his throat hole. Oh man. I don't think this fucker could sing in key even if you gave him the vocal chords of Elvis. The guitars on this one seem really bad to me after a minute of listening. Almost like someone is rubbing a tin can on the strings. Not that I would want them level, but the vocals are really under level on this one for some reason also. Complete turd-tacular.

Track 5 - Blue Skin - Whoahhhhhhhohhhhhhhohhhh… I was waiting for that. I got it. I guess this is supposed to be our dark brooding song about a dead girl on this CD. I wish I were dead right now. Knowing my luck, I'd die right now go to hell and be stuck with all of X-Ward playing 24/7. This song makes me want to insert tampons sideways in my ear canal. I'm supposing this is supposed to be the dark slow jam, but it sounds more like some sick animals moaning into microphones and as with everything else on this album all the instruments seem to blend together into a nice soupy mess of shit. Lyrics, fuck I don't know - you tell me. Or wait don't.

Track 6 - Goodbye - Alright goodbye! If only I could be so lucky! Oh fucking epic another slow song. I wonder if when they recorded this if Chud was wearing that infamous pink sparkle shirt he dawned when X-Ward began? That would be fitting because this song gives off the vibe that someone has man-PMS. He was obviously on his period when he wrote this shit-tacular ditty. Aww, sensitive Chud. Be sensitive to my hearing and end this misery parade already!

Track 7 - Rabid - REALLY?!?!?! Another sappy fuck fest?! Oh my god, I can't take this. Who the fuck can think this is a good jam? Oh wait it's picking up now. Starting to jam,.... BLUE BALLS! Back to the fuck fest. I'm not even finishing this song. Horrible!

Track 8 - Bury You Alive - Holy shit this started out OK. Then I noticed it is the same vein as Mommy Made Luv 2 an Alien. This was written for 13 year old girls who are just discovering their tits and punk rock. Disgusting. Thank fucking god this is the last song. Go back behind the drums fucker! (for good)

OH WAIT IT'S NOT OVER!!!

If you were unfortunate enough to buy this grand copy of shit on vinyl and your record player didn't explode after the first track, then you got to hear the bonus track!!! Fucking hooray for you!!!

Bonus Track - Hanging on the Telephone (Blondie Cover) - Oh yes, while we totally fuck everyone in the ear that buys our shit storm of an album let's just disgrace Debby Harry while we are at it. I'm sure if Blondie ever heard this she looked up Chud and popped a kick off in his junk. Or at least I hope she would. They raped, maimed, and left for dead this awesome song. I don't think I ever want to hear this song again, their version or Blondies because it will bring back memories of my ears being fucked for over a half hour.

Well, that's it kids. Sorry if I offended any X-Ward fans. Opinions are a son of a bitch. Thanks for reading and if you don't like it please go fornicate yourself with an X-Ward CD and do the world a favor!!!

-She Who Cannot Be Named 2010
(Editors note: This album sucks as hard as Project 1950. If you don't believe me...check out this video for the song "Powerless"...check out the sequence shirt)

Danzig - Deth Red Sabboth - By Hydro

Here I sat with my cup of hot green tea in hand ready to tear into the new Danzig record. Like the last handful of releases my expectations were on pure Book of Poo material. Honestly, when has anyone associated with the Misfits not put out a piece of shit in the last...what...8 years. I didn't think I would see the day rise again that these once forgotten words would leave my mouth/fingers: The new Danzig album is fantastic! You heard me right. Any trepidation I had is now washed away in flash flood of doomy hard rock goodness. Just like a starving man getting a down home country meal, my musical fires have been stoked with hellfire. Every aspect of this release is wonderful. Musically we see a fuck of a great line up: Steve Zing (Samhain, Doomtree), Johnny Kelly (Type o Negative, Seventh Void), and Tommy Victor (Prong). Glenn must have been taking great care of his vocals after that little lactose problem back in the Danzig V days, because his voice is on point. Even the artwork of the album is the best he's had since the Danzig 6 era. I will attempt to describe in my most unbiased composure how elated i am to have a good rocking album from "Evil Elvis". Call it a good way to shut out the first *cough*shitty*cough* decade of the 2000's. I'm going to take this as an omen that things are looking up once again. So now I have nothing to bitch about.

:: crickets ::

Okay, this is me so I'm sure there are a few things that annoy me about the album. Let us venture down the dark and foreboding path of Glenn Danzig's mind...

The name of the release is "Deth Red Sabaoth" and the standard is back for the artwork. I am really enjoying these new digipacks that many artists are switching to. I get the feeling like a mini-LP has dropped into my hands as i open them. The art work is by Joe Chiodo. His style is known for cartoony pin-up girls. If i'm not mistaken he has done a few pin-up style portraits of Gen 13 characters, and mostly like has some affiliation with Verotik comics. Death, sex, and anticipation are what i gather from the skeleton faced vixen that adorns the front of the record. The cartoony nature doesn't go over the top like Danzig 6 (special edition) and isn't cheap in look like Circle of Snakes. James Only mentioned to me that the only thing that could make the record better would be tits. Well Glenn delivers as the elongated gate fold CD opens to one supreme breast. No not Danzig...the other boob. A mostly naked woman is crucified and Glenn is crouched down by her. I get a very Hammer Horror vibe from this photo. It seems Glenn was just in a slump the last couple of albums. Might i had that the girl, for once, is genuinely hot with no trace of fake plastic porn star to be seen. Though, don't be misled. I wouldn't doubt that there is cosmetic surgery somewhere on that woman.

The record opens with a track entitled "Hammer of the Gods". A heavy piece in the vein of the good parts of Circle of Snakes. I get a little stoner metal vibe off of this. It would seem to delve into a bit more of the modern doom sounds. It is heavy and fast in the right places and heavy, creepy, and slow too. Glenn is doing the Gods of Asgard justice. At this point i wasn't getting my hopes up. Blackmass off of Danzig 7 was a killer track and that album went to shit after that song.

Track two is called "The Revengeful" and has a god damned annoying guitar squeal that makes me want to turn to the next song. In fact Tommy Victor uses this same guitar squeal way to damned much throughout the whole record. Tommy you are not John Christ and you don't have to try and be. It's OK...we know. Seriously, the guitar squeal nearly ruins a perfectly good rocker. Techno would be the best way to describe this. A machine sequenced high pitched squeal that makes me want to kick babies.

Track three, "Rebel Spirits", adds some double pedal to the doom drive. A mid-tempo rocker with some of the better arrangements I've heard from Glenn in ages. I'm feeling a bit more of 4P vibe from this track. Excellent effort here. The song stands up to previous good works very well.

Now we get into the real Poo, if you will. There are two songs on this album with great music, but gawd awful lyrics that rival the schlock of "Human Pony Girl" (from Samhain's November's Coming Fire). This one is called "Black Candy" and is just...well bad. Not musically, as i said. The second verse starts with "Tastes like a five pointed high, Black Candy is so hard to find". Come on Glenn...you can do better than this. Musically the song is down tempo and creepy, but is just ruined with the horribly bad lyrics.

"On A Wicked Night" was the first single from the album and one of the top 3 worst songs. It is leaps and bounds better than the other two. I get the feeling that this song was not completed. When the heavier parts kick in the song feels like it is stuck in gear. A shame too, because this had potential.

Oh! Next up is a tune called "Deth Red Moon" that just screams epicness. There is plenty of sing-a-long chorus in this to have even Misfits purists caught in the flow. Don't get me wrong, this is no Misfits song. It has merit though. More of the 4P spiritual vibe protrudes from this. Decent song all around.

It would be nice if you could see me face palm myself into oblivion over this piece of shit. "Ju Ju bone" is a contender for worst song in the history of Danzig's discography. I'm not sure if "Human Pony Girl" or "Wicked Pussycat" could beat it out or not. A song about voodoo porn. In the name of the Gods, When Glenn goes cheesy he gives Jerry Only a run of his money. Musically the song is, again, over shadowed by verses such as

"What in the Hell

Wanna make a man

have to

Break you off a little some

of my Ju Ju Bone"

If singing this to some vivacious lady of the night get's you a little of that voodoo honey pot than more power to you.

Evil kicks the schlock out the window as "Night Star Hel" is summoned. The music for this one is heavy and creepy. The sound of chanting monks can be heard in the background as Glenn sings about a prophesied death. To counter balance the fact that Glenn can has his bad moments, when the man get's it right he really gets it right. Honestly i haven't gotten a vibe like this from his music since Danzig III: How the Gods Kill. Excellent!

Who here liked the first Black Aria? Well for the next 10 minutes of this record we have some doomy, creepy instrumental epicness. Two parts called "Pyre of Souls" paint a musical picture. Think of this as a very "Misery Tomb" (From Samhain's Unholy Passion EP - CD edition) feel. The first part is purely instrumental and bares the name "Incanticle". The second part is called "Seasons of Pain". There are no fucking lyrics printed for this. maybe they are with the LP version. However, I will bet this is just another song to be lumped into the pile of non-released lyrics. Still a killer song. I get really into huge pieces of atmospheric occult based doom metal. I really feel that Glenn is getting back to his more pagan filled roots that made Samhain so amazing. Even with few change ups this song doesn't get to overtly boring.

Finally, the last track is called "Left Hand Rise Above". Danzig has some real fixation with left handed history and lore. Good song though. Has a vibe that is somewhere between How the Gods Kill and 4P. A great song to end this album. If this song isn't proof that Glenn's vocals are in better shape than i don't know what is.

So is this a perfect album? No, by no means is this Danzig's best work. It is, however, probably the best thing he's put out in 10 years. Out of ten songs there are only two that i want to chuck out the window and one that i will skip most of the time. The artwork is worthy and the marketing is amazing. A 7inch single of "One A Wicked Night" was released at some recent shows. The album will be available in a limited edition (666 copies) ceramic urn (i preordered mine...I'll get pictures), the regular ecopack, a standard CD edition, and a 12inch LP. I'm so used to bitch'in and moan'in about how Danzig low balls his fans and now he goes out on a limb with this album. Next thing you know he is going to put out an EP and do a real US tour (not necessarily in that order). I think it was the dark karma of Johnny Kelly and Steve Zing. Those two are from two bands i have much love and respect for (Type O Negative and Samhain, respectively). We can say goodbye to a very shitty decade. Some music was good and some was very very bad. I suppose that can be said for many styles, but in this case we had a whole lot of shit released. Danzig is coming back with an unholy vengeance. That in and of itself is a good day to me. I recommend this album. Skip Danzig 7 and Circle of Snakes. Go out and get this album.

8 out of 10 cups of blood!

Show Review: Warrirors of Metal III

The lunar rays drenched the southern Ohio landscape as, yours truly, infiltrated a cult of shred worshipers. Yeah, you heard me, I again lent my capabilities and skill to the Warriors of Metal Open Air festival. I will lament my experiences of this ninja operation to my loyal fans. Keep in mind that only a few people knew that i would be reviewing any of this event. My reasoning is simplistic in that I didn't want anyone putting on a front for me. Let me tell you that i ran into enough ego, dickhead attitude, and rejects from Overkill to kill most normal people. Now keep in mind that i come from a very...different...background. The people i met make my punk rock and gothic scene history knowledge look like a 3rd grade history book, full of basic half truths and just skin deep. I spent some time hanging with MettleAngel from Metal Covenant.com. I would venture to say that hanging out with a guy who is an encyclopedia of heavy metal knowledge can be intimidating. I also met and had no clue who Joe Stump or one of the former Nevermore/Annihilator guitarists were. Sorry guys i don't listen to you jerk your guitars off on CD. My bad. I'm pretty sure these ego driven "talents" wanted me to clean their balls off because of how great they were. These two gents (with another ego who I don't know and tried to use me as a whipping boy...more on that later) were present for a Dio tribute set. Let me get to how these three guys RUINed 2 songs in 30 minutes...ugh. So to not get terribly off track I shall start at the beginning.

I really back what Ryan and Datis are trying to do. However, do not get any misconceptions. Ryan does most of the work and Datis is the proverbial ATM. I would suggest to Datis to not be a dick to the help when the help is not getting paid. It seemed that whenever something went wrong someone would yell at me. I was by far not the only person working at this festival. This kind of mood gave me no reason to go back to day to. Which I must say is a shame because i really wanted to see Zephaniah with their new lead singer, but the belligerent sun and bad attitudes gave me no inspiration to venture out for another day of tiring asshatery. This is all behind the scenes B.S. and will be found at any major festival or show. I could go on and on about the business end of music, but i'll leave it with my mood being sour by the time Omen went on.

And the first band begins before we, the crew, got the tarp up over the stage. It was hot. I'm talking the kind of hot that melts roofing tar. It was turning most of us into fried humans wrapped into a soft rock n' roll outer coating. I enjoy looking nice, but for the summer months just kill me. I have no idea how people get along south of Tennessee. If I get the chance I will move my heat hating ass to somewhere that only has a month or so of summer. Anyway, Wrecked put on a show and did not melt completely in the process. Their sound was a mix of good stoner metal, southern rock, and traditional heavy metal. From the one day i went they stood out nicely. They are a young band and hopefully will come into their own a bit more. Unfortunately, their music was over shadowed by me trying not to have a fucking heat stroke. No worries. Your fearless reviewer pilfered a CD from one of their guitarists to review. Then we shall see just how amazingly quick i can rip on their music.

Wrecked ended their set as we got the tarp up over the stage. I think it just made the damned stage hotter. I suppose that was fitting as a band that dawned the name Skeletor hit the stage. I could do nothing more than rag on these guys. Not that their music was bad. It wasn't at all. Their style was of very traditional heavy metal. Their playing was great. Taking your work seriously is one thing and then not taking your work seriously is another. Their lead singer was a nerd on par with your average Magic: The Gathering player. To say that this guy's lyrics are tongue and cheek is like saying that Emperor Palpatine was a little evil. I must say that the part of their set that go me was when they went into a song about the War of the Roses. This was not a war. It had nothing to do with Roses. That whole thing was poetic license by Sir Walter Scott talking about the two involved families badges. The singer then went on to say something about victory. There was no fucking victory about over this little family spat over the English throne. Maybe you could call Henry VII's marriage to Elizabeth of York (merging the Lancaster and York lines) being a victory, but this was nothing new to England. By the time Henry VII (Tudor) had come to the throw there had been three other members of his family on the throne. Granted Henry had to kill Richard III to stop his usurpation of the throne. UGH!!! Essentially, the singer called victory to a power struggle in England in the late 1300's thru the 1460's that had no real definitive end. He should have written the goddamned song about the Battle of Bosworth if he really wanted a good song about Victory. In that battle, Richard III and his army were crushed and Henry VII sealed the line of the Tudors for the several hundred years to rule England. If one thing annoys me about musicians who try and write about history, it is when the portray events inaccurately. Be poetic and precise, you lily wankers!

So with the schlock fest that was Skeletor leaving the stage we were privy to another band of the same sound-Beyond Fallen. A tight band with good musicians. My problem is that every song was in the same key and i swear to the gods had the same bloody groove. FUCK!!! They just droned on and on. BORING!!! Not the good kind of drone like SunO))). I wish it could have been something in that vein. This was just down tuned metal crap to me. It wasn't Nu-metal so that was a plus, but still boring as hell to me. The crowd seemed to like them, but the turn out for their set was not in comparison to others.

Jacobs Dream are apparently Columbus metal legends. Personally, I had never heard of them, but my metal knowledge only extends so far. I'm more of an easy listening kind of guy... So these guys got up and did what they do best. They played traditional Heavy Metal with an edge of refinement and age. Good set from a cookie cutter band in the genre. I will say right now that the major thing that this fest is starting to have a problem with is that there are to many bands of the same genre. See with genre's like Goth there are many different way to approach the aesthetic. With a Metal fest that is going for traditional/power/thrash metal the bands begin to all sound the same. Then again i could probably say that about most metal bands. By this point in the fucking show i was actually wanting to hear a damned death metal band. This not exactly a feeling i gain often. By the time Omen was on I was lamenting my need for some Black Metal. Seriously...traditional and power heavy metal are genre's where i loathe about 90 percent of the aesthetic. It's all leather pants, long hair, and bad beer.

The out of country band was up next and they get the Hydro seal of approval. Fucking Hell, Dantesco was absolutely fantastic. The sun had dropped and the late June blood moon had rise fully. The night air quenched the body thirst that the evil day star had wrought. The lead singer came out dressed in monks robes and was talking about werewolf rape. This motherfucker won me over in about half a heart beat. Shame on me for not being familiar with their back catalog. These cats are from Puerto Rico and were flown in by Datis to slaughter the masses. The band did so with unholy fury. This was my highlight band of the evening. I highly suggest checking out this band. The songs have really great story lines. I'm a sucker for well thought out writing.

Next came Imagika, and if ever a name did not fit the band. They claimed that their sound was power thrash...i'm not even sure what the fuck that means. What i do know is that they all looked like wanker Orange County boys, their bassist was the tightest musician i've ever heard, and they put on a really great show. Not really much more to say then that. Seriously guys, get a new band name. Imagika was the original name for The Birthday Massacre. The name fit them. It does not fit you.

Finally, Omen took the stage. As per Warriors of Metal tradition, i was so wiped out that i didn't watch their set. I was up at the front gate in a chair talking to some friends. They were loud and i could hear them well so my only comment was that they put on a good tight set. It sounded pretty good from where i was sitting.

Now let me rewind to a few things that really pissed me the fuck off. We are talking hulk smash here. For one the Dio tribute set, and by set i mean 2 songs. So now i ask the readers a question. What do you get when three classically trained metal guitarists with ego get on stage? I'm sure you can suss out what happened. They played "Man on the Silver Mountain" and "Voodoo". Two songs that might take up 11 minutes and spent over 20 minutes soloing. It was no tribute! It was a contest to see who could jerk off with more style. In the name of Dio i was appalled by these assholes. One was Joe Stump. One was some guy from Annihilator and Nevermore. The other guy was just some famous douche that i didn't care about, but he chose me as his personal servant for some of the night. All three are wankers. All three individuals noodle far to much. I could probably rant about these asshats all night, but i won't. I will save you all the pain. Just know that if you can play a sweeping arpeggio then you aren't that special.

The final annoying portion of the night happened between bands. The sets blend together and i didn't take notes (i know...great journalism), but between most of the bands there were "shred contests". Only a few of these guys were any good and most of them felt that fast sweeping arpeggio's made them look impressive. Adam Route
(formerly of Woe of Tyrants) and Justin Zych (Zepheniah) were the highlights. However, this is not about the highlights. This is about a douche bag. If you live in a shitty apartment in Williamsburg, OH, spout off about how Pantera is your god collective, and area dick to people who are just trying to make things run, then you need your knees broken and then run over by a lawn mower. This man was shredding with two others: Brandon from Death Dealer (cool guy) and some other cat who looked like he belonged at an Abercrombie and Fitch store. The douche nozzle went by the moniker Adam bomb. Real catchy there you stompcore reject. He was pretty much shit at playing too. I think if you talk a good game you should be able to play. Joe Stump is a cock, but the guy plays guitar like Hugh Hefner gets women.

So the end of the night came and I was annoyed. If i missed anything or got a few of the bands out of sequence, fuck you. They blended together and I didn't take notes. For the more coherent review from a real metal fan go check out Metal Covenant. This is just my take from a non-metal fan. Inevitable, my presence was not felt the next day, but my review will be. I am going to listen to something that is not bad metal now. Living in Chillicothe has the major problem of having bad metal or even semi-okay metal shoved down ones throat. This is a problem when other styles of music are the main stay to your musical diet. I suggest checking out Warriors of Metal in the next few years, but only if you are a true denim and patch wielding, mullet rocking, cheap beer swilling metal machine.

This makes me cry just a little bit

Here we have Jerry Only (i'm over the hill and need to retire) singing the national anthem at a roller derby event. I dont' have much to say past that. Jerry Only...Holy balls...just look at that. At least this is a roller derby and not football or something. :: face palm :: Anyone notice how Jerry is starting to look like a horror punk bowling pin?

This has been a Book of Poo news update and i think i'm going to go cry now.

~~ Hydro

Metallica - Death Magnetic | The Sleeze

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