The Graveyard Boulevard - Toe Tags and Body Bags

Let’s drag something from the late 90’s Mansonite camp, shall we. Who here knows about Wednesday 13 and the Murderdolls? Who remembers Wednesday 13’s first band called the Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13? If you do and you liked them then you need to be eviscerated by a plastic spork. The Frankenstein Drag Queens were the sort of band that appealed to a person who went for shock value. They would dawn a prom dress (be they male or female) and some torn up fishnets/stripped socks and splatter back make up and blood all over themselves (including the band). The appeal was surely not the damned music. The Drag Queens were known for horrid musician ship and songs that made Static X look like Bach. Some of these songs made it on to the Murderdoll’s first album. There is a second album in the chamber, but that is a review for another day. As Wednesday split the Frankenstein Drag Queens to pursue other endeavors, his former band mate Abby Normal rounded up some fellow locals to form “The Graveyard Boulevard”. The first album came out on the infamous horror punk label Antidote Records. I could probably write a whole review just on the short stint of that label and the sloppy book work and douchebaggery that Sin, owner, slathered the then infant horror punk world (back when the genre didn’t really have a name…yes I was around working with bands at the time). Yet again I digress… So the album is called “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. My copy of this album was given to me by Abby Normal. Funny story, the only record I ever actually paid for from Antidote Records was the one an old band of mine was on. I’m rather happy that I didn’t pay for this album. I learned quickly that the amount of fake blood slathered horror crap was already creeping into everyone’s hands. It comes to two things when listening to music inspired by horror: 1) Do you want something different and trying to actually bring some original art? And 2) Do you want something that fits the “mold” of horror punk? Back at this time there was no real mold just yet. Some of the bands that played this style, like The Graveyard Boulevard, had no woahing and no 50’s vibe. Honestly, they might have really mucked that up if they tried to put some harmony to this music. I’m really happy I never paid for this piece of professionally pressed shit.

There is a bit of a silver lining to this record. Unlike much of the current horror punk scene these days there was no mold at the time of this record. Many bands did try to copy the styles of the Misfits, the Cramps, or GWAR, however, the Graveyard Boulevard is not one of them. They were somewhat unique in their sound. I can sense a vibe of the Frankenstein Drag Queens all through this, and that just reminds me of what utter bullshit Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids spawned back in the mid to late 90’s. The Drag Queens, in my opinion, were part of that “I’m so shocking this must be cutting edge” type of theme that many bands seemed to jump on around the late 90’s. I suppose this style has its place in the world, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I think I dislike many of the fans more than I do the music. None the less, the music doesn’t strike me, but I do like some good horror schlock. This Graveyard Boulevard album has some high points, but ultimately lacks in the (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) strong song writing department that Wednesday brought to the Drag Queens.

Another aspect that annoys me is the engineering of the record. The levels are pretty good; in the respect of being able to hear all of the instruments. The bass is buried in a low frequency overdriven growl. I would venture to say that whoever mixed this didn’t know what they were doing. I get the sense that there is a low end, but can’t pick it out when the guitar is playing. The guitar tones are pure shit. Not sure what the band actually wanted here, but they just make me think of Marshal half stack turned up with no thought or effort put into tone. On second though, maybe I just hang out with to many guitarists. This is supposed to be punk rock and I’m nit picking. The drums are another thing all together. They could have been bigger. Judging by the sound it seems all the drums were properly mic’ed. Which really makes me think that whoever mixed this only had half a grasp on what they were doing or didn’t care. I will give it that the mix isn’t as bad as The Misfits album “Earth A.D.” or the Black Flag LP “Damaged” (Iconic albums both recorded and mixed by a fucking idiot), but still pretty bad.

So now to delve into the murk that is pure audio sewage.

If you like the Frankenstein Drag Queens/Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids style of vibe than whatever I’m about to say won’t mean two shit or a fuck too you. The intro track has a very harshly forced wannabe spook factor, but comes short when Abby Normal opens his face hole and sound comes out. I do not like the way he sings. I enjoy some harsh vocals and have heard worse, but his style is not my cup of blood. The intro works into the first song, by name “Toe Tags and Body Bags”. This fails to be interesting and the guitar tends to sit in the chair next to you.

Venturing into the mediocrity of rock n’ roll is the second track, “Popcorn”. I will assume the theme was inspired by the movie of the same name. The guitar work in this is solid, but boring. That will be a growing theme with this record. We almost have some catchy lyrics here, but they just fall short.

I’m starting to see a theme of every song being in the same key. This can happen with many rock bands, so that is just fairly nit-picky. However, when the rhythm of each song begins to blend into a giant homogeneous mixture, then you have a problem. The main riff is a bit catchy, but since there is little else to the song a mechanical boredom forms quickly.

I’m four tracks in and not sure I want to put you all through this…I will push forward, begrudgingly. “Really Rotten” is next and sounds like some mid 90’s grunge meets Danzig reject with Normal’s bad vocals. I would venture to say that Abby was trying to ride the coat tails of his former band mate, Wednesday 13. He failed miserably.

Oh good. Just what I needed, a song about a guy pissing on some ones mother’s grave. As far as songs go this is pretty catchy and one of the better songs so far. I’d like to order some more songs like this (and a new vocalist).

Here comes the attempt at a lamenting song; something a bit more on the mellow side. A creepy beginning slathered with echo and chorus turns the harshness down a notch. Abby dispensing with his singing for spoken word until a minute in is a nice change. However, the softer vibe is ruined when the vocals try to do something they were not built to do. I have to say that the lyrics depict a haunting story of love and loss. If Abby could sing less like he is gargling glass I would say the song would be great.

“Choke Yourself”…I think it sounds like a better idea than finishing this album. Horribly cheesy lyrics dawn this decent punk song. Not much more can be said. I get sick of this want to be shock rock bullshit. This is the same reason I’m not a big mentors or GG Allen fan. I would also like to point out that this is an old Frankenstein Drag Queens song. I wouldn’t surprise me if this album was littered with roll over songs. My familiarity with the Frankenstein Drag Queens is, i'm sorry to say, limited.

Oh, I was wondering when we’d get to the crypt keeper talk. He is a tune called “Lady Killer”. I think I know the problem with songs like this from TGB. They sound like rejected songs from Motley Crue. Fuck hair metal and fuck you if you like it. I say that knowing I have a bunch of friends who like that bullshit. I’ve said it to them and I will keep saying it. I’ll skip on this leather clad come on.

Attention: Abby Normal! The Dickies did this same type of song and it was/is WAY FUCKING EPIC!!! Yours is just a sad replica that has a limp dick. Yes this song is called “Circus Horrificus”. It is a some what solid song if not horribly unoriginal. This has far too much cock rock in it to be something I could get into. It wouldn’t surprise me if Gene Simmons felt a disturbance in the force when this song was written.

Now a song for the children…or about the children I should say. “Feed the Children” is a bit miss leading. This is about eating children as opposed to actually nourishing them. Ohhh, how shocking is it to talk about eating children. The music is boring and the lyrics are silly. Everyone knows that babies are the best to cook up and are very versatile in the kitchen.

Way to fuck up a good story douche hole. “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” has more mechanical style music. That is not the down fall of the song. The vocals…all of the vocals make this song unlistenable. Thankfully the song is short. I’ve heard men grunt at high volumes. I have friends who watch football, but seriously preteen voice cracking and Abby’s broken glass flavored croon make for some gawd awful recordings.

“Terror TV” does something different. The recording utilizes a xylophone to enhance the “melody”. I would wager that this was actually a keyboard, but at least it is something different. Yet again this track fails to deliver. Honestly, it seems the most annoying songs got thrown at the end of the album.

But wait…there is more! A bonus track fills the 13th slot. How…fitting. “Night to Dismember” is the name of the track and when I think of crypt keeper talk in songs it better come like this. It isn’t a bad song, but it isn’t a good one either. This one at least has some dynamics to it. Abby’s vocal scrawl fits the nut kicking cookie cutter punk rock. There is even a solo which is more than I could have asked for.

That is about it except for a hidden track and it is another shock rock failure. My disappointment was high when I got this album. Abby Normal gave me the damned thing, and I wanted to like it when I got it, but intelligence and taste have dictated that this album stinks like shit. A few stand out tracks such as “That’s My Mom”, “Dear Dead Delilah”, and “Choke Yourself” are about the only reasons to pull this album out and they aren’t worth the recording costs. Save your sanity, save your money, and save your CD rack space for something better.