Osaka Popstar and the American Legends of Punk - S/T

Greeting’s to one and all! I am Hydro and this is another addition of Audio Diarrhea. Today I must be really insane…well more than normal. Maybe I have finally been driven to levels of madness that most haven’t recognized or I’m just a sadist. Well whatever the case may be this album should loosen your colon with the force to match the Hover dam breaking. Now what are two things that should never go together? No, not sports stars and music this time. Though, in this case we do have a link to that combo. Jerry Only and John Cafiero…oh yes…I’m talking about Osaka Popstar. This was a “super group” of American punk “legends” gathered together by Cafiero. The point was to put out a rockin’ punk album. Well what we got was a product worse than anything the mainstream record labels ever put out. Something so over commercialized that it just screams “I’ve been marketed for Japan.” I wish some stereotypes weren’t true, but in this case Japan will buy anything. From what I heard of the Misfits/Osaka Popstar tour that went to Japan the shows were sold out. Once I go through this album you will understand why it was geared toward a Japanese audience. No self respecting music fan who is not a demented collector or just green would buy this piece of shit.

Before I get into how wrong the existence of this album is. I have to share my feelings on something. I hate John Cafiero’s art. I hate John Cafiero’s corporate work ethic. I hate everything John Cafiero stands for. I hate John Cafiero’s mother for not faking a headache the night he was conceived. Her son would go on to exploit punk in the lamest of ways. Cafiero is about as punk as Brittney Spears after she shaved her head. It isn’t hard to point out a musician who’s genuine. I’m sure the first time bands like Generation X or The Damned were seen people thought they were sincere. When I look at John Cafiero my first impression is that he paid for his friends. He is nothing but a music fan that ended up with a little too much money and not the right frame of mind in music. That all equals music executive…well he’s not. The guy is a fucking film director. Not even good films. He directs music videos mostly. Dare I mention the travesty that was the (new) Misfits song “I wanna be a NY Ranger” that Cafiero sang guest vocals on. Ugh!!! I wanted to crucify this jack-off just for that 1:36 of wasted audio and stain on the legacy….AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hydro banging his head on the wall for the next 10 minutes.

Hmmm. Ok, a short history of John Cafiero determines how he met the rest of the band behind Osaka Popstar. You know…I smell Jerry Only all over this intestinal fluid. Talk about a man who has spent the first decade of the 21st century making bone head business moves. About the only good thing I can say about Jerry Only is he can market about anything. I’m pretty sure he could sell ice with the misfits logo somehow printed on it to punk rock Eskimos. Anyway, John Cafiero, douche nozzle, met Jerry Only on the set of the Insane Clown Posse movie Big Money Hustlas. Cafiero had a small scene in the movie and had the seat of producer. I’m neutral on the ICP issue, so do not ask. I am however rather heated on the fact that Jerry and John forged a relationship that would endure. Cafiero direct the (new) Misfits videos for “Dig Up Her Bones” and “American Psycho” (off of the album American Psycho). Next was, in my opinion, the largest of his accomplishments. He edited and produced the Ramone’s DVD entitled “Ramones Raw”. This fucker should have stuck to putting things onto film. I highly enjoyed the (new) Misfits videos and that Ramones DVD is pretty neat too. But as the story continues the man hatches a plan with Jerry Only to drive a stake through the heart of fiends across the world.

So here is where I tell the story about a money grubbing ass-hat who has more business skill than lasting musical talent. I know I’m rough on Jerry, but these are hard knocks man. He had big boots to fill (and tiny pants…really have you seen Glenn) and I think up until about 1999 he did a fine job filling them. The (new) Misfits legacy is rocky but arguablely good quality. I’ve mentioned this in the past, but now is not the time for a debate about the pros and cons. Jerry Only began to expand his business after the departure of Graves, Chud, and Doyle (Jerry’s little brother). Misfits Records became an actuality and the M25 reunion came around. Well since the rest of the band quit Jerry had to find replacements. Enter Dez Cadena (formerly of Black Flag) and Marky Ramone (who I scared into the back of the Misfits tour bus…true story) to take over guitar and drum duties. This was supposed to be a one off show, but as we see it has lasted seven years. I believe a couple of years ago Marky finally cut out and Jerry rehired Robo (drummer on Earth A.D). So with this line up Jerry and John plotted out the plan for a new band. Second guitar duties were handled by Ivan Julian (of The Voidoids). I’m pretty sure that Dez, Marky, and Ivan were all in need of the money. That is my only explanation. I want to believe that these men were desperate for a pay check. I can understand wanting to play music with your friends, but some artistic integrity would be nice.

At least the music is good…

So now we get to the album. It sounds like the sound track to a fucking Saturday Morning kids show. There are WAY to many cover songs (Wicked World, Man of Constant Sorrow, I Live Off You, Love Comes In Spurts, Blank Generation) for a bands first LP. Am I really supposed to take this shit seriously? I’m a nerd^10, but if I am going to be inspired by an anime there will be more of a dip into poetic license. Even Cafiero’s voice sounds like a guy writing songs for an early morning kids program. Hell, maybe that was the point of this music. Oh, but they don’t come out and say that. Jerry Only hyped this shit like it was a neat new side project. I think it was just a cosmic rape session. “Wicked World” was the first single from the album. It is also the first track. The song is a cover originally written by folk artist Daniel Johnston. I’ve not heard the original, but I’m sure it is a fair bit better than what we have here. Musically it isn’t bad, but Cafiero has no power to his voice. The next two songs are “Astro Boy” and “Sailor Moon”… Let me say that again SAILOR FUCKING MOON. I like anime. I like anime a whole bunch, but if I were to write a song about an anime it would not be Sailor Moon as the subject. And for that matter what is even worse. He didn’t write this song. It is the goddamned Sailor Moon THEME SONG. FACE PALM Did Cafiero’s testical’s pack up and leave during the recording session? It wouldn’t surprise me if “Astro Boy” was a modified version of the original theme song as well. The song “Insects” pushes the kiddie bubble-gum punk idea even more. I can imagine Gargamel from The Smurfs singing the chorus “You better watch out or the insects will get you”. The next original is called “Monsters”. Forgettable. “Where’s the Cap’n”? Forgettable. “Shoalin Monkies” is the last song. With the amount of covers on this record I don’t know if this is an original or not. Judging by the theme and poorly written lyrics I would say yes. With the amount of cartoon themed songs on this we get a really harsh contrast to the cover songs. The album is geared toward the anime community in Japan. I’m pretty sure that the US anime scene has better sense than to pick this hunk of steaming dung up. At least I would hope.

I was attempting to separate the originals from the covers on this album, but it seems that well over half of the album is not original. Seven of the twelve tracks are covers; at least I think the last five are original. You know what? I don’t care enough to find out. Do yourself a favor and do not buy this piece of shit. If you see John Cafiero out on the street, punch him repeatedly in the face and tell him Hydro sends his regards.

This album is 100% all American bullshit!

(I have to comment on this picture. Cafiero looks like he is in the midst of his idols. He looks like a fucking fan boy. Kinda sets the mood of the album.)