Pantera - I Am the Night

Greetings and welcome to the Lost Pages where advice, be it good or bad, is given freely. I am Hydro and I HATE REDNECKS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! After reviewing this schlock I’m going to have to listen to Bach (or the Subhumans) for a month to detox. When one envisions 80’s metal excess, tight leather pants and hair spray come to mind. I know there were some decent metal bands during the 80’s and NONE of them were on MTV (you know when they used to play videos). That might be a misjudging statement, but it is accurate that bands such as Poison, White Lion, White Snake, Scorpions, Ratt, Winger, Faster Pussycat, W.A.S.P. I could go on for ages. Do you see the trend, because I surely see that too many musicians used to regularly visit the zoo. During the second wave of glam rock begot a trend to name a band after some exotic animal. And in this movement the melodious maestros known as Pantera were born. I can already tell that many of you thought Pantera was formed in all of their Texas redneck fury in the late 80’s when “Cowboys From Hell” smacked the world in the kisser.

WRONG!!!

Pantera was indeed formed by the Abbott brothers Vincent and Diamond (later to be changed to Dimebag). OH…did I mention the band had 4 albums, 1 other lead singer, Fourty gallons of hair spray, and a run on Sunset Strip before “Cowboys From Hell” was released. I know! I was a bit shocked to hear this news myself. I am by no means a Pantera fan. In fact I very much dislike everything the band stood for and their lead singer Phil Anselmo held the torch for one of the larger douche towel depositorys in history. Those are enormous shoes to fill since we find many an asshole in this business. Now I do give credit where it is due. The band was tight as all get out and Dimebag’s guitar playing was stunning from start to finish.

Now back to my initial point. Pantera emerged from the second wave of glam metal. In no way do ANY of these 1980’s bands hold a flame to David Bowie, Roxy Music, The New York Dolls, Brian Eno, or any other proto glam band. Yes, I know I am probably getting my glam metal continuity mixed up. However, the assumption is being thought that I actually care about glam metal. If you have a problem take it up with Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister (who I have extreme respect for and hate his bands music). Yet again I digress… Pantera formed in 1981 with original cock rock leader man Terry Glaze. With this gentleman, and I use the term gentlemen loosely, the band recorded 3 albums: Metal Magic (1983), Projects in the Jungle (1984), I Am the Night (1985). After Phil joined the band (his first album Power Metal [1987] ) and Cowboys dropped the band completely denied ever having put out these records. I always say our past makes us who we are. And after listening to what I am about to share with you, the readers, I’m not sure I would have seen this coming or would have ever wanted to. I abhor the whole genre of redneck/southern/hillbilly metal. Pantera is held as some kind of first line soundtrack for gun toting, tobacco chewing, sister fucking, rebel ass goblins. I blame some of this atrocity on Ted Nugent. FUCK YOU TED!

I’m rambling now…mostly because I do not want to get into this review. Alas, let me dig in with both hands. Lets take a look at Pantera’s 3rd relase with Terry Glaze entitled “I Am the Night”. The way I see it this album should have some of their tighter material since they had been with this front man for some time. Let me just remind you that this is NOT THE PANTERA YOU KNOW.

1. Hot and Heavy – At best this is cookie cutter metal of the mid 80’s. Diamond Darrell’s guitar licks are solid. The song writing isn’t bad. The vocals could be plugged into about 40 other glam metal bands of the time. There is nothing that separates this band from any other band in the scene. At best this song is forgettable.
2. I Am the Night – Ah!!! The namesake of the album. Darrell shows his shred capability, and it is top notch. The singer is starting with this trend of monotonous vocals. Who would have thought that a man who can hit a falsetto that high could some how sound monotone. WAIT!!! Could it be? Not again… DAMN YOU SOUND ENGINEERS!!! I can understand not having a budget and access to high quality equipment. I really can. But for the love of all of the old gods learn how to use the fucking EQ you have. The instruments seem to be properly mixed. Is there a reason the vocals have had echo shit all over them? Ugh! NEXT.
3. Onward We Rock – Who the fuck do you think you are, Man-O-War. Someone call the metal police, we have a solid case of fail. At least they haven’t started talking about how metal they are…wait…they did that last album. I need to start doing video’s of these reviews so you can see me face palming. Then again a video camera might be hazardous to my health. I could possible get to into the moment and actually run a screw driver into my ear. This song has the poetical integrity of most fortune cookies. Musically it isn’t horrible, but I think I’ve heard these licks in other songs. Like I said earlier, cookie cutter.
4. D*G*T*T*M – Could someone tell me why Darrell is attempting to emulate whale song and merging that into something almost classical and that merges into metal? Also, what the hell does the song title mean? Hang on, I know who knows. Google knows! -------- According to Wikapedia, taken with only a grain of salt, the song title means “Darrell Goes to the Movies”. Ok… This is a short little instrumental piece. Not bad at all. So far it is more memorable than anything else on the album. After a couple of listens to this track it is actually growing on me. I’m sure that feeling will be crushed as if it were a tank in a battle against Godzilla by the next track.
5. Daughters of the Queen – Mediocre and mid-tempo. BORING!!! Much of the EQ settings remind me of some early Killing Joke material, but that’s not fair because that band is actually talented. I’d like to use a meat tenderizer on Terry Glaze’s nut sack for his lyrical atrocity. This song tackles the subject of a few women who listen to their parents and stay at home. They don’t need
6. Down Below – Glaze is invoking Bobby Ellsworth from Overkill on this tune. Only that his voice is having a tendency to get very high pitched and annoying. Don’t be mistaken. I actually like Overkill. This has a very dated feel to it. Very much stereotypical glam metal. OH and I think this is about sex, either that or cannibalism. Ugh…NEXT!
7. Come-On Eyes – What the hell does that even mean? I have to look up the lyrics for this before I fly off on a tangent.-------- Wow…just wow. The chorus for this song astounds me.
She's got COME-ON EYES
Happens every time
Never givin' her love
Only givin' you lies
She'll put you thru hell
No matter how hard you try
She's got COME-ON EYES
So basically what the Glaze wrote about is that this girl is a dick tease and a liar. However, he insinuates that all women, or at least the ones that he goes after, are all the same. At least I didn’t make the mistake thinking this was a love song. Another thing, by the time a band establishes a semi-decent following and has 3 albums in stores one would make the assumption that production would go up (punk bands are not included in this). Someone give me a gun because the engineer of this record needs a few toes blown off. The drums are buried in this and sound very thin, but punchy. Yet again the guitar is tea-bagging the listener. Musically, the song is well written, but nothing special. I can understand why Darrell has such a following of guitar geeks. He wasn’t not-talented.
8. Right on the Edge – I’m on the edge of slitting my wrists. This song just flat out sucks. They push the bass a bit farther forward so Rex Rocker (yes that is his actual stage name and he now plays for Down) could get a little shine. This is just overwhelmingly mediocre. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.
9. Valhalla – Is it some rite of passage that all metal bands write a song about Norse Mythology. Personally, Blind Guardian’s song by the same name is far better. Then again Blind Guardian is a better band. I am beginning to understand why the band disowned these early albums. I may not like their later material, but at least it was a tad more distinctive. This is like listening to b-side Ratt material.
10. Forever Tonight – OH GODS NO!!!!!!!!! THERE IS A FULL ON BALLAD. If there is one thing in this gargantuan universe I hate it is 80’s hair metal ballads. This song is no different. Musically the song is good. One of the better on the album, but that’s no excuse. This track bleeds the essence of cock rock. *twitch* lyrically the song tackles the *cough*overly used*cough* subject about having sex all night. This could be worse I suppose. I could be listening to Shaq again. *shudder*

That record could have been much worse. In this 3rd installment of Pantera’s legacy we find the end of Terry Glaze. I’m not sure which was worse: Anselmo or Glaze. I shall try and stay away from being to harsh on Pantera since I am in no way a fan. The early albums were glam metal padding and their later material just reinforced a scene that I believe make’s its listeners dumber the more they play the CD’s. And we wonder why the world thinks Texas is how most of the States act. It seems the loudest, richest, morons in the country hail from that godforsaken state. This record is recommended if you like 80’s glam metal or Pantera. Past that, I don’t believe there would any reason for a person to listen to this. By no means is this a bad album, but it is not good either. If you don’t believe me then listen to some of this cookie cutter cum stain.